I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

Has anyone suggested you trying to learn where you're wanting to move to? I spent ages trying to learn in London and as there is a lot of aggressive driving i found it really hard. I moved to Norfolk and suddenly it was all a lot easier and I managed to pass after an intense course. Presumably where you want to move you'd have more childcare support for whilst you take the lessons so could potentially do an intensive course before you move there?

Have you done your theory? Being confident on the rules of the road makes a big difference

I actually hadn't thought of that. Might be an idea now you mention it.

Failed theory twice

Was it hazard perception or the multiple choice?

The hazard perception was where I really struggled.

Have you got one of the mock test programmes? This should help you work out whether you're clicking on them too early, too late or not at all. I lost marks because I clicked on things too early before they became hazards. 😬

I haven’t read the whole thread, but has anyone suggested hypnotherapy? Might help you to overcome any self-belief or mindset hurdles that might be making it harder than it needs to be?

I think that sounds like a really good idea. Learning in London must be like learning in New York or Tokyo! This is what I would do.

Sometimes the most obvious solutions aren’t the first you think about. Excellent idea 👏🏻👏🏻

Thank you!

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed very happy to have a (free, no obligation) chat to see if I can help. I know how frustrating it can be when your mind is determined to prevent you from doing something that everyone else seems to do effortlessly. There's often a reason that block developed in the first place but now it needs to be removed.

But how many times would you be going to the beach? Petrol might be £16 but have you calculated insurance and tax and buying a car. £150 now and again is nothing compared to what you're paying for driving lessons.

Op you have my sympathy (currently learning myself)

I can't see how you can continue though, 4 hours a week is a lot, plus you've tried on and off for 20 years. It's a lot of money you're throwing away.

Would your children qualify for transport costs? I know you said taxis are expensive what about trains/buses?

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed Have you seen the cost of buying and running a car? You will be paying a lot for insurance as a novice driver. It’s very very expensive. You will get lots of taxi rides for annual car insurance. Plus dc will have to get used to bus and coach travel or railways. I don’t think you realise how much cars cost to run!

Have you tried taking Bachs Rescue Remedy before lessons? It might help as it helps keep you calm. Being calm will help you drive better. It sounds as if you are panicking a lot during your lessons and no one can drive if they are panicking.

Other thing that helped me was getting a Lego car which you could steer (Technix or similar). I used to practise reversing and parallel parking with it on a carpet with a square pattern. (You could mock similar up with boxes etc or large sheet of paper that you draw lines/squares on, or even buy one of those playmats for kids with roads etc marked). Learning how to manoeuvre a toy car really helped me, honestly, as before that I could not work out how the steering wheel worked with the wheels on a real car.

Thank you, I'd very much appreciate it

As I said, the beach thing is only a small part of it, there's a plethora of other reason I have to do this.

Yes, it's expensive, I know. But in the long run it would improve things for us greatly. I'd gladly pay the costs of running a car of it meant no more waiting around at bus stops in the freezing cold and pouring rain, resulting in all of us getting sick with rotten colds, missing school. And no more judgemental stares and nasty comments on public transport when they have meltdowns because of sensory overload.
As it stands, my children get DLA. Some of that could in theory be put towards petrol getting them around. But being able to drive would open up so many more things for me with work. I could apply for a wider range of jobs. I could set up my own business, and wouldn't have to be a burden on the state. Its so demoralising. Being able to drive would literally be life changing for all of us.

Glad to help. Please ping me a DM and we can set it up.

Do let us know how you get on with @Eyesopenwideawake
All the best

There's a strategy to hazard perception tests

Sometimes when you see a hazard it's "too early" for the test to register it, so you need to try and click 2 or 3 times with a couple of seconds between.

Yes, I will. Thank you 😊

OP, Did you fail the hazard perception part of the theory test because you clicked too often and it wiped out all of your points?
Or because you can't detect potential hazards developing?
What feedback have you had from the driving instructors you have had?
What are they saying you need to practice or focus on?

I appreciate having your children in the car during a lesson would alleviate the need for childcare, but are you sure it wouldn't cause you even more stress and worry?
Carrying passengers is an added responsibility that may weigh heavily on your mind and concentration whilst you are on your lesson.

Oh I hear you. I have ADHD and autism. I think it's the ADHD, but I have also been trying to learn to drive since 17, had many many lessons over 20 years and never felt I "got it". I think for me it's an attention issue. It's so stressful seeing young people passing easily, and feeling as a generally capable person this shouldn't be a problem - but it bloody is!!! I don't really know the answer. I'm going to try ADHD medication soon and see if improves matters. But you are not alone!

Wow having 4 lessons per week for a year plus 19 years prior to that - you spent an absolute FORTUNE on driving lessons. It's way cheaper to get ubers everywhere. Where do you live that uber is not available? I was recently in the most rural of places in France in the middle of the night and could still get an uber.

You need to stop this madness and just get taxis when you need them. It's honestly not that much more expensive than running a car/parking tickets etc.

If you can't learn to drive in an automatic in 20 years where literally the only things to worry about are steering and braking then it's not worth throwing away money on lessons.