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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL and Breastfeeding

353 replies

Sprinklesjelly · 09/05/2025 12:38

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

OP posts:
Dreichweather · 09/05/2025 12:42

Nope, either you or DH need to tell her to stop the negative comments about breast feeding. Tell her that you and DH have read the medical advice and make decisions together on what you believe is in the best interests of your family.

Hoydenish · 09/05/2025 12:44

Really, she only has herself to blame.

Don't hang out with her, your baby's needs are paramount.

If she keeps on have some stock phrases to hand:

Please stop criticising my feeding choices/I don't like it when you make comments about breastfeeding please stop.
If she continues, shrug and just up and leave.

WhySoManySocks · 09/05/2025 12:44

You are right, she is wrong, tell her to shut up or stop spending time with her.

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 09/05/2025 12:45

Deep breathes until she gets her hands on the next dgc.. I promise she will leave you alone then...

ThejoyofNC · 09/05/2025 12:45

Why do you keep talking to her about it?

Justme2023123 · 09/05/2025 12:45

I think I'd just respond "That's nice" to her every single time.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 09/05/2025 12:47

She’s way too involved with your boobs.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/05/2025 12:47

You're giving her worthless opinion a lot of thought, just stop hanging out with her. She sounds really boring, just let her son arrange contact with her.

FadedRed · 09/05/2025 12:48

You could print this out and hand her a copy every time she brings the subject up:

MIL and Breastfeeding
OSU · 09/05/2025 12:49

What does your DH say to her about this?

JoshLymanSwagger · 09/05/2025 12:50

I can feed him myself whenever I want

Practice saying this.

Then say it to her every time she comments. Don't change the way you feed your child just to accommodate her.

JoshLymanSwagger · 09/05/2025 12:51

FadedRed · 09/05/2025 12:48

You could print this out and hand her a copy every time she brings the subject up:

Under His Eye.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/05/2025 12:51

None of her business. Ignore. Defo see her less often - not sure why you haven’t already - and just refuse to engage in the discussion. Your DH should have closed this down already - get him to do it now. Hopefully she’ll move onto the next grandchild soon.

rainydaysamonday24 · 09/05/2025 12:52

@Sprinklesjellyi breast fed my DD from birth until she was around 2 and a half years. Tell your MIL that. I also probably was that woman in the cafe breastfeeding whilst I was trying to feed myself for the first time that day.
i regret none of it!

You do what’s right for you and your baby. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I also had comments like “oh you won’t get them to sleep without a bottle!”

I loved the closeness and that it was right for my baby and me.

i have a beautiful 6 year old now.

be strong mumma and don’t meet up with her. Find a playgroup or mums group or spend time just you and bub at the park, walks…

power to you!!

ProseccoCheeseBooks · 09/05/2025 12:52

You’re right to feel how you are. Lots of passive aggressive comments there. Lots of digs and negative hints. if you’re happy to breastfeed, and don’t need the bottle, then stop. Just EBF.
I think this is a case of MIL having expectations that are not met, and that’s not your fault she expected it to be a certain way and it hasn’t turned out how she wanted.
I assume she made the nursery at her house and didn’t pass it by you two to see what the sleepover expectations would be? And is now only upsetting themselves when it isn’t used! For one reason or another ours didn’t sleepover until they were 3. No needs for cots, they could sleep in normal beds.

With regards to the comments, I think you need to think up some sentences you store in your head that you say when she makes these comments about BF. Some times when we need to say something but need time to work out the best way to phrase it, it’s best to pre-think it so you’re ready with a response. Make them with your husband so he knows what you’ll say in these situations. And most importantly if your husband is there when these comments are made then he has to be the one to say it, not you! You need to find the best sentence that communicates her to stop!

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2025 12:54

Why do you care what she thinks?

CheshireDing · 09/05/2025 12:54

HiddenInCubeOfCheese made me laugh, but it's true !

She doesn't know what she's on about anyway. All 3 of mine were exclusive bf for a year each, I tried a bottle a few times with different attachments etc with breast milk in, just so DH could do some feeds, they would never take the bottles. The GP said bf babies often won't take a bottle 🙄🤷‍♀️

Eenameenadeeka · 09/05/2025 12:54

Mine did this. She even bought a breast pump (without asking/offering) and bought bottles for her house, we never used bottles. I didn't exactly know how I planned to parent until I was in it, but she was very annoyed that I didn't just hand over my baby to her. And the pushiness of it was so off putting that I've never had her babysit, because she doesn't respect our choices so she just can't be trusted.

TISagoodday · 09/05/2025 12:55

Nope, if breastfeeding is the decision you have made that's that. No comments from MIL welcome. I don't get why people are so interested in having someone else's baby alone- what do they want to do that they can't do when the mum is there? Why would they want to rebottle food that they baby is happy taking from you just so they can have some alone time with a baby? Fair enough if that's what the mum wants/baby is taking bottle but if the baby is not and the mum is perfectly happy to breastfeed, I just don't get it?!
Had so many people want to have my 3 month old baby while I go out for a meal and when I explain she's exclusively breastfed so maybe when she's a bit older it's like I've ruined their life!!
You are not being unreasonable, she is.

Ponderingwindow · 09/05/2025 12:55

Your mil is clearly anti-breastfeeding.

it’s time to fight fire with fire.

She deserves a few comments about how family support is so important for breastfeeding success. Maybe really talk up what a good job her son has done at supporting the mother-baby breastfeeding dyad.

she also needs some exposure therapy. Your baby is definitely hungry in that cafe.

Shetlands · 09/05/2025 12:55

What is it with some MiLs? Mine was an overbearing, interfering, sharp-tongued cow but I know of others who were kinder and more supportive than the wife's own mother.

As a granny myself, I wouldn't dream of voicing an opinion on my daughter's or DiL's feeding choices. Their breasts, their babies, their decisions!

It sounds to me like you'd be better off having less contact and/or being assertive with her. Tell her you don't want to hear her views on BF or bottles as you're fed up with it.

SuperSange · 09/05/2025 12:56

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 09/05/2025 12:47

She’s way too involved with your boobs.

Yes, can you just ask her why she’s so interested what you do with your own tits? That’s the crux of it. I’d say that, then not see her, letting her know why. She’s a fucking moron.

persikmeow · 09/05/2025 12:56

I assume people who think you are being unreasonable just pressed the wrong button!

For the record, every time she raised this in a conversation, I would say “Shall we change the topic - perhaps we could talk about YOUR boobs Martha?”

pimplebum · 09/05/2025 12:56

You sound empowered and confidant why are you letting her intimidate you?

whalop your boobs out next time you are in a cafe and have a phrase handy to shut her down
her son should be having a word with her

Redpeach · 09/05/2025 12:56

She sounds dreadful, what a twat