MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

I know it’s easier said than done but you have to try and let her comments just wash over you. She’s wrong and you know it. Carry on doing what you know is best for your baby

I sit somewhere between you’re giving your MIL’s opinion too much brain space but also, she’s part of the family and being constantly put down and given unnecessary opinions is draining.

Personally, my DH would of already been on the phone to her by now telling her to back off about the way we feed our baby and that if she comments again then we’ll have to limit contact.

Babies absolutely do refuse bottles, my son actually didn’t like breast or bottle - so you can imagine how stressed we were….

I definitely got so many comments from family when I kept trying to breastfeed my son “babies are happier with bottles” “mine slept better on exclusively formula” “stop pumping and just use formula” “no one else will be able to feed him!”

I think you need to say something next time she comments. MIL, please stop commenting about the way I feed my child.

She's being incredibly rude but you really shouldn't be trying bottles just to please her if you don't want to do that (also my first was a bottle refuser, it's definitely a thing. And we tried from a few weeks old). I would say something neutral like 'well it's working for us and that's all that matters' and also ask your DH to tell her plainly she needs to drop it. If she doesn't i wouldn't be spending any time with her - and DH can let her know why

I don't think either of your voting options are right. No, you're not reading too much into it, she's way too invested and talking bollocks. But you also need to be able to shrug it off and not feel ground down by it.

Try to just ignore her and feed your baby whenever you need to. She'll get used to not getting a reaction from you and get bored eventually.

You are allowed to give up on the bottle if you want to. I had a bottle refusing breastfeeding baby too. If you need to provide formula or pumped breastmilk when you're not there, your baby will be capable of drinking out if a sippy cup in a couple of months time.

Obviously ignore your MIL, she's either envious that you're doing something she didn't for whatever reason, or she considers any parenting decision which differes from her own historic choices as a personal attack on how she raised her kids. Everyone has to feel "in the right" when it comes to parenting because it's the most important thing humans do. But the thing is, there is no universal right way. Just the right way for you and this particular child in this moment. So stick with doing exactly what you and your baby feel is the right thing, because it is.

I think in these situations your DH needs to speak up for you and protect you as his wife.

This, with bells on. Better still, get your DH to tell her to shut up.
I don't usually comment on baby threads (being from the child free section of MN), but I feel really annoyed on your behalf. Your baby, your choice how, when and how long to feed for. Not MILs business.

Having had this with my MIL, I can now see it was the start of a looooong list of things we did not agree on. Wish I’d told her to mind her own business from the start. And told spineless XP that he needed to speak up for me to his mother.

Anyway, that’s water under the bridge now and I have three beautiful children who were all bf, one until aged 4. The early years are hard but the memories of time spent snuggling and feeding them are the best.

You do what works for you and your LO. Fuck everyone else.

“Dear husband. You talk to your mother, please, and tell her to pull her head in. Otherwise, and consider this fair warning, I will push it in and it might not be pretty”.

Also! At 4 months (or even from birth) you can try giving them milk in a sippy cup or an open cup. It’ll take practice but it’s a really good way to get milk into them if they hate bottles. Some people do this route if they want to breast feed only and don’t want to use a bottle

I’m amazed you haven’t snapped and told her to STFU by now! Neither of my children took a bottle and I tried about 10 different types! It was annoying but now I realise I was feeling pressured by others to do it, it wasn’t the end of the world and I was still able to leave them with others. Like you I didn’t know if BF would work out and I just wanted to give it a try, they fed till they were 1 and 3 in the end which definitely wasn’t the plan! Carry on doing what works for you.

Your Mil is odd and way too invested in how you are feeding YOUR baby (and how other women are feeding their babies)

I think you need to get tough and tell her “mil, I’m not comfortable with you commenting on how I choose to feed my child” or “I’m doing what is right for my child and me, it’s not up for discussion”
Change the subject every time.

I still find it astounding that there are people who have a problem with mothers breastfeeding. What a sad society we are in. Women’s boobs are literally for breastfeeding. Why are they so obsessed with how a woman chooses to feed their kid, whether that’s bf or ff. Weird.

The time has come for a clear conversation, or a text if you feel it's easier.

"MiL, we get on so well and I'm delighted you are baby's Nan. I'm used to enjoying our time together but have been getting increasingly annoyed about your judgemental comments regarding breastfeeding. To keep up our otherwise lovely relationship, I'd like you to permanently stop saying anything at all about breastfeeding in my presence please. Thanks!"

@Sprinklesjelly she sounds like the type of mother in law who would NOT be getting my child overnight or daytime to sleep in HER cot under any circumstances!! what you say rules, not what mil says!! I certainly wouldnt be meeting her for coffee anywhere and she would only be visiting to see your child when her child (your partner/hubby) is also in your house!!

She sounds annoying af.

I think part of the issue is that she (I'm assuming her age here) comes from a generation where breastfeeding was pretty rare, and so people her age simply don't know much about it! My mum (who's now in her 60s) breastfed us, against quite a lot of pushback from family and friends, and was one of the only mothers she knew who did so. So I've always seen her as being quite militantly "pro" breastfeeding. But when I started breastfeeding my first baby I realised how even my mother's "militant pro-breastfeeding" attitude was actually quite outdated now. She only breastfed us for 4 months (it was recommended to introduce solids at 4 months back then), made a massive deal of "getting the baby to sleep through the night" as early as possible, and assumed that as soon as the baby starts eating solids it's then a rush to wean them off of milk asap (as opposed to the current NHS advice that says babies should still be having formula or breast milk until 12 months). When my baby went through a phase of crying a lot in the evenings, my mum kept insisting we should try a bottle of formula. As soon as we reached the six month mark, it was a constant "so, have you stopped breastfeeding yet?" followed by a tight, concerned smile when I said no. So I think it sounds like with your MIL there are some outdated attitudes...

But apart from that, it also sounds like she is itching to have more control over your baby (a whole nursery in her house... weird!). And in any case, it's just really weird to be that interfering...

Stay strong and keep doing as you please!

Well done for breastfeeding your baby! You and hubby made that choice, and it is no concern of MiL’s at all… I suspect she wants you to bottle feed so she can have your baby overnight..so be thankful you are breastfeeding! Honestly she sounds obsessed, and I would be feeling a bit sorry for the other DiL…
Just keep doing what you want… and keep a bit of distance.
Your baby is thriving, the health visitor is quite satisfied and you enjoy feeding.

@Sprinklesjelly I must have bought every teat manufactured trying to get mine used to a bottle for me going back to work!

“How and when I feed my baby is my decision and my business. I’m finding your remarks and obvious judgment difficult to be around, so it stops now or we won’t be spending time together.”
And mean it.

My MIL nagged me about weaning my baby until about the age of 9m. She started whilst I was still pregnant - telling me all about her niece's feeding, which was what MIL thought was right and proper. Then every time I saw her she'd repeat the same stuff as if it was the first time, and then make a lot of comments about his DS was hungry/needed more.

I just made it a game in my head in the end, ten points to me every time I didn't tell her to fuck off.

Just repeat, "I'm happy with how I'm feeding him thanks".

Must be tough having her digging and interfering like that 😬 It’s hard being a new mum but sounds like you are a fab mum. My advice is, try to be confident in yourself and show that confidence in your way of doing it and I think that will deter her a bit (rather than if you show any signs of wavering or deferring to her then I think she is more likely to carry on digging at you). Good luck and well done for doing it your way x

My daughter, now 26, was exclusively breast fed until I went back to work at 6 months as my maternity leave was over. She never took a bottle. We went straight to a sippy cup and she absolutely refused to drink from a teat. You need to do what's right for you and your DH needs to tell your MIL to but out as it's nothing to do with her.

Your MIL has more red flags than a communist semaphore display, in a red paint factory.

My mum does this to a lesser extent and I hate it. My DS is now 13 months and still exclusively breastfed I leave him with my mum for a couple of hours a week and she hates that it can’t be more, she goes on and on about how he doesn’t need it now, I should’ve given him a bottle the minute he came out etc etc. I also co sleep which she also goes on and on about! I kept saying I’m going to do to three months, six months, one year, and I've just told her to two! I don’t think there’s anything we can do sadly?

Put her on an information diet. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done with my mum and MIL. Who both think breastfeeding and co sleeping etc etc are bad.
I used to try to convince them of my rights as a mum. Now I change topic or just leave the room. Or end the phone call

I can’t stand people that have opinions (well if they voice them) on how others choose to feed their children. As long as you and your baby are happy it’s literally nobody else’s business at all what you do!