MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

She sounds thick as pig shite, I'd be patting her hand and condescendingly thanking her for the unsolicited advice.

It sounds like she's one of those grandmothers that expected baby sleepovers. She might have peers that have had their grandchildren overnight from a young age and just assumed that she would too.

Obviously this is harder with a breastfeeding baby so this could be why she fixates on it so much. Regardless of how you feed it's up to you if you want to let her take your baby overnight and it's fine not to want this.

She wants the baby to herself for a visit, and thinks these insidious and constant comments will sway you to changing your mind.

You're right, there is no reason for you to give him a bottle atm as you're feeding him. He's getting all he needs from you, and if you dont want to leave him you don't have to.

She's had her babies, she's the nana/granny/grandma now and needs to settle into that role with grace, I'd be having a word with her or your DH about the constant digs. You shouldn't have to justify yourself, it's exhausting.

Mil: How is bottle feeding going?
You: I've decided not to try it for a bit. Aren't we having great weather?
Mil: Oh but you must because...
You: We're ok as we are, thanks. But about this weather...

Any comments about other women breastfeeding: "what a strange thing to say. She looks like she's doing a great job and what a cute baby. (Change subject.)"

Congrats on feeding your baby in a way that works for you.

What a stupid woman, I bf both of mine for a year each and no one,not even their father had, or a least voiced, an opinion on it!

FWIW dd2 never took a bottle, she went straight to a straw at one, don't stress yourself or your baby out about it!

Breast feeding rates are through the floor. Well done OP. I was breastfed, I'm sixty now and EBF both of my children for well over a year, they never had a bottle. The pass/agg comments from MiL would make me even more determined to continue. You're doing brilliantly, she's awful.

Dont sweat it op, once her DD gives birth your child will be a distant memory to her - i speak from bitter experience

Bigger picture, this obsession with getting your baby onto a bottle and sleeping at her house seems like part of a broader possessiveness of your child. I would seriously nip that in the bud. If she does start focusing more attention on her other grandchild instead, that sounds like it would absolutely be a blessing for you in the long run. Please don't try to get your baby to take a bottle just to make her happy. If that's helpful for you and your family then of course, carry on, but don't let your MIL boss you around, that is just storing up more problems for the future.

Your dh needs to have a very firm word with her advising her to drop it, right now, and that she won't be welcome around you or lo until she stops. Whatever you choose to do with feeding your child is your business and nothing to do with her. She sounds like a meddling, interfering and negative bore and you need to be much more assertive with her so she learns boundaries now.

Your baby, your body. You do this your way and tell MIL to stop interfering. Enjoy you little one my lovely!

Why haven't you nipped this in the bud? (pun not intended)

I'd have responded after the first negative comment, "I think it's wonderful to see a mother feeding her child the way nature intended. I'm very glad that we live in a country where she has the legal right to feed wherever she needs to."

And to "how long" the answer is "as long as baby and I are comfortable with it."

You, and baby, are seeing far far far too much of her.

cut it right back.

My baby, my body, my say. Rinse and repeat as needed.

I had a bit of this with mine as my baby is BF and SILs isn't and she is The Perfect Mother so my very doing was in itself an accusation.

You have to just let it wash over you. Nod your head, say sure, oh I'll look in to that, oh yes your right but I guess I'm stuck doing this now or whatever else to just move on safe in the knowledge that you are doing the best for your baby and your DH supports you.

It's a great skill to learn and doesn't end with BF.

This is the one.

That's great for them, MIL, but this works for us. Did you watch X on Netflix, yet?

Shut it down, distract. Literally treat her like a toddler.

No, you're good OP - crack on! DD never took to a bottle and we BF through to about 16 months. Was much easier than I expected - even after going back to work at 12 months. She just adapted to morning and bedtime and then eventually just bedtime.

My FIL was constantly asking how long I was going to BF. Every single time we saw them, some variation on - "are you still... nursing? That must be a real bind. You must be really looking forward to stopping." It turned out MIL was upset about the lack of sleepovers and he saw that as the only barrier...

As a few other posters have suggested I just kept my responses v. brief and upbeat so there wasn't anything to work with - e.g. "No it's all good for us at the moment! change of subject"

She sounds exhausting. I bf for a long time. Mine needed to be able to drink breastmilk to go to his dad's house and the challenge of finding something he'd drink from was very real! Your baby is still very small so if you don't need to figure that out, don't.

I think your DH should be speaking to his mum about her comments and the effect they are having on her relationship with you and on your confidence in your parenting. It sounds like you know what you want to do and it's working, and you don't need her input. I hope you can find a way to shut her down - ideally politely.

Congratulations for exclusively breastfeeding your little one for 4 months! This is no easy task and you really should give yourself a pat on the back. Only 12% of UK babies are exclusively breastfed at this age, so it's natural that you will experience a lot of judgement/surprise/awkwardness from some people.

My advice would be to not be too hard on your mother-in-law.

It sounds like she is very insecure. She obviously bottle-fed her children. Perhaps she got a lot of judgement for doing this from people and so she has adopted a defensive/bullish stance on the issue. Or perhaps she genuinely believes bottle is best and she's finding it difficult to not be able to convince you of this.

I do feel for you. My parents were uncomfortable with me breastfeeding. Remember that a generation or more ago bottle feeding was actively encouraged by midwives for all mothers! I still remember the look on my dad's face when I breastfed in a restaurant. He was a bit shocked and a bit disgusted, though he knew better than to say anything LOL!

Anyway your mother-in-law doesn't sound like she's open to having her mind changed. You can breastfeed in-front of her, but you will have to cope with the consequences. She will judge you.

I think your best bet is to join a breastfeeding group (I like La Leche) and talk to other breastfeeding mums. This will help you not feel so alone and to build up your confidence with doing something that (in this country at least) is quite unusual.

How have you let it go on so long?
Tell her – or get your DH to tell her, or do it together – that her opinions on how to feed your baby are not wanted or welcome and, if she won't stop voicing them, she will not be coming to your house any more.

As for ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’, never mind 'a dig', that's downright sinister.

It's absolutely none of her business how you feed your baby and her comments about breastfeeding are appalling.

I'd be so sick of her snarky comments that I would massively reduce the time I spent with her.

Change the subject every time it comes up. If she doesn't take the hint, say it straight - I don't want to discuss this with you again. Please drop it.

Well it sounds like she’s having digs, sounds like you’re doing a great job for you’re baby. Don’t let her comments throw you off doing what you feel is right for you and you’re child.

Your mother in law is horrible and wrong on many counts. My children and grandchildren never had a bottle ! And refusing a bottle is very common. Breastfeeding is natural and you are giving your child the best start you can't 6 months is the minimum many people can and do breastfeed for much longer
I would not only ignore her snide comments I would make a point of openly breastfeeding your baby when she is around if she doesn't like it she can move away.

The comments aren’t ideal, but some just seem to be passing comments that you are taking as a dig. I don’t see how MIL commenting on women breastfeeding in public, is a dig at you? I would probably feel uncomfy seeing a full boob while sat in a coffee shop, I’m sorry if that makes me a little less then PC but it draws the eye! Just crack on doing what you want to do and smile and nod to MIL.