MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

When you say natural childbirth leads to higher infant and maternal deaths, how are you defining "natural"? I'm pregnant with my first and hoping to do it with minimal intervention, I don't want ab epidural and I'm going to try induce naturally if possible. How would that lead to higher deaths?

@Anxioustealady not everyone can give birth naturally. Many women can't and if c sections weren't readily available, they or their babies would die or be seriously unwell. You need to start your own thread if you're concerned with this as you won't get many replies on here.

I'm assuming the previous poster means vaginally?

Not to derail but - absolutely nothing wrong with your birth plan, I was also booked into a birth centre for a water birth, no issues throughout the pregnancy and I went to all my midwife appointments including one a week prior. I ended up having to go to hospital (took ourselves not an ambulance as it was early in active labour) as I had developed hypertension and they suspected preeclampsia. I ended up having a ventouse delivery and asked for the epidural at 6cm (it failed the first time so not sure how dilated I was when it eventually worked but I was 10cm very quickly after it kicked in, when they checked again). Cord was wrapped round my baby's neck as well.

Best advice I can give is try and consider most possible outcomes in your birth plan. I wrote mine with sections for my preferences if I had to have an induction, or a C section. Also try not to focus too much on your ideal birth. I had a bit of a pang as a friend has just had a very smooth water birth but I had an excellent healthcare team in the hospital who communicated so well and really listened to us and considered our needs and wishes. And I am unbelievably grateful to them for bringing our baby into the world safely. I think the hypnobirthing I did swayed me to thinking just being confident and positive would give me a safe natural delivery and actually that will work great for some mums but not all babies are able to come out that way.

No I'm not concerned, just didn't understand what the previous poster meant by natural births increasing deaths.

Hi, thanks for your reply.

I don’t want to derail the thread either sorry. I thought the pp was referring to not having pain relief causing deaths and I couldn't understand how.

Yes that's my ideal plan, but I'm not going to be too rigid about it, and I will accept interventions if needed, and I need to decide at what point I'd prefer a c-section vs more interventions. Glad you and your baby were OK

^^this

My son never took a bottle. Some babies don't and it causes more stress trying to force it - I gave up as everyone was miserable.

She can piss off with her judgy comments. Sounds like she desperately wants to have the baby overnight but she's going about it the wrong way! Would make me retreat further from her. She should focus on finding other ways to support you and spend quality time with the baby that don't require overnight stays!

I never understood the desperation some family members have over having someone else’s baby overnight without the parents and think they have a right to push and dictate it when it’s not their baby.

If the parents are agreeable to it, it is one thing, but if they are not, why can’t these family members wait or accept that the parents aren’t comfortable with it and don’t have to be.

I experienced similar from my own mum and mil when ebf my ds. Both of them ignorant & had their own kids in the 80’s. Breastfeeding is the biological norm for human babies, and provides so much more than nutrition! No wonder they don’t want a bottle compared to boob. My ds bottle refused and in the end I gave up trying. After age 1 he was only really having a bedtime feed anyway. You do you. Ignore her.

I was a 70s teen. My best friend's cousin had a baby and was visiting when mum and I were round there too for a party.

I will never forget the cousin discreetly asking our mums if they'd be happy for us girls to stay around while she breastfed the baby, and they were both very positive that we did. Both mums were nurses who'd BF in the 60s.

It just felt like something that happened naturally. I can imagine this as a learning experience women and girls have shared for eternity.

I love this, what amazing women!

I had my first baby at 37. No epidural, went 11 days over my due date for natural start of labour. Breast fed for over a year. He's 24 now, always fit, strong, healthy, intelligent, and never got the bugs that went round. Don't be afraid to have a normal birth with minimal intervention, unless medically necessary. Good luck.

Thank you ❤️

Natural as in 'women can naturally give birth without pain relief or medical intervention' because it is a 'natural' process (which it is - but a very dangerous one). In societies where intervention is impossible or dangerous, then women die and so do babies.

What we think of as 'natural' childbirth is actually managed childbirth without immediate use of any interventions e.g. pain relief and is a revolt against the managed childbirth that involved stirrups and mechanical induction. But the consequences of too slavish a belief in such a process leads to the problems that several hospitals (Salisbury? Countess of Chester?) had when they avoided, for example, caesarians at all costs. The philosophy of the midwives seems to have been that they wanted a vaginal birth for two reasons: 1, to keep caesarian rates low (important for the Trust) and 2, because they believed that intervention was almost always unnecessary - leading them to ignore women who were saying that something was wrong.
My reading of the mortality rates for mothers and babies in the per 1000 tables c. 1911 (and later), put me off entirely natural childbirth (which is mostly what happened for women in the early part of the last century) because it does lead to higher levels of mortality. That's all I was saying, I am not in any way for over-medicalised childbirth, but rather for intervention only when necessary.
I hope your birth goes as you wish it to, and I am sure it will.

This was definitely my plan to but after 9 hours I was asking for an epidural and then they found my baby had flipped to breach and I needed an emergency C-section to get her out. I held off as long as I felt I could and then there were 2 doctors saying that her heart rate was dropping and we needed to get her out now and shoved a form under my nose- I could barely hold the pen to sign it but ultimately I believed that they knew what they were talking about. I think I did the right thing.

I know someone who was determined to have a "natural birth" and prepared for a home birth with a doula, no qualified midwives or doctors, and all kinds of herbal remedies. There were complications, she was rushed to hospital, but it was too late and the child is severely disabled, can't walk, can't talk, doubly incontinent and will be completely dependent on his parents for all of his life.

That wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been so fixated on "natural". She's all for conventional medicine and NHS therapies now her son needs it. 🙃I have some thoughts about people who refuse to take NHS advice and then end up needing costly treatment as a result, but that's for another thread.

I'm hoping to give birth in a midwife led unit but it's within a hospital so hopefully that's OK. I am definitely open to interventions if needed.

I'd like to avoid an epidural because I'd like to avoid bad tearing (more likely with epidurals I think) or potential back injury, and I don't react well to anaesthetic (I throw up). I have a decent pain tolerance so I'm hoping I'll be OK.

I should probably start a new thread lol, sorry everyone. I was just concerned but I think I was defining "natural childbirth" differently to others here. It's my preference but I'm not stuck on it.

Yes, that makes perfect sense. I didn't have the option of midwife led unit as I was classified as high risk and needed an endocrinologist on hand throughout, but they are perfectly good options for most mothers. Of course, most mothers want it to be as natural as possible, no-one has major surgery for a laugh, so you're not doing anything wrong by wanting that and it sounds like you understand there might be a need for flexibility and will take medical advice.

I wanted to avoid an epidural but I prioritised avoiding pain relief that would cross over to my baby and get her high/drowsy. I wanted to just use gas and air. Turns out DD was facing the wrong way (forwards) so her spine didn't fit the natural curve that she had to get down, so I felt like I needed to push before I really did. The epidural prevented me from doing further damage to my body from pushing before I was ready, I had an episiotomy which healed perfectly, I know someone that had a natural birth and tore. Midwives and doctors are really good at taking your plans into consideration but intervention can be necessary.

Same! Wanted to avoid the epidural but preferred it to pethidine. Also had an episiotomy and no issues with it! Didn't hurt at all because I'd already had the epidural, paracetamol after the birth but tbh my uterus contracting back hurt more than my stitches and healed perfectly. Back to workouts and yoga after my 6-8 week check up.

@Anxioustealady My friend has just had a water birth in a midwife led birth centre that went smoothly so it can definitely go well! I just wish I'd heard more positive birth stories that also involved hospitals/interventions because I had a real fear of both. Also love your username 🤗

TBF my 'cluster feeding journey' did include me mooing as I got used to being glued to my milking stool sofa for hours each evening.

PIL weren’t happy I bottled fed first baby so BF next two which they weren’t happy with as I had babies most of the time. I feel for you x

Tell her to butt out ... he's your baby not hers and make it clear .
You are feeding your baby making him strong & healthy the most natural thing in the world .
Your husband needs to tell his mother to mind her own business .

Just add to the list of things you eye roll about when MIL turns her back and crack on. It’s not worth a row and she won’t change so just don’t let it get to you.

Who the fuck is in the 3% club???

Your MIL is a jealous hag