MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

Just tell her to keep her thoughts on breastfeeding to herself. It's what's best for your baby, and you're happy to exclusively breastfeed for as long as he wants to. I fed mine for over a year and youngest two never had a bottle, they went straight to a sippy cup. You don't have to give baby a bottle at all if you don't want to.

She sounds a pain. I’d just grey rock whenever she says anything like this. It’s obviously a self-interested view she has – she wants to have the baby on her own (for some strange reason) and she’s embarrassed by women breastfeeding in public. Whereas the important thing is what’s best for the baby and for you.

Her view is well worth ignoring IMO.

Also, take the opportunity to breastfeed everywhere now. It's great as it gives you the freedom to go places. When my baby hit 6 or 7 months he became incredibly distracted, he won't breastfeed in oublic anymore so unless I have puree food with me, I have to go all the way home!!! It's so annoying!

OP - it’s okay to be rude. That “I’ll have the baby in my cot…” comment would have got a swift bollocking from me. Also your DH needs to step up and tell her to mind her business. Not your boobs not your business.

Once her other DIL has the baby, I think she will back off you, so I’d be counting down the days. I would probably also buy her something nice for her baby shower because from the sounds of it the poor woman will be in for a ride.

I followed the exact same guidelines as you, by my midwife and health visitor, and my son point blank refuses to entertain a bottle! It didn't matter what bottle, it didn't matter if the bottle had breast milk or formula or not, he refused completely. So your MIL may not of heard of babies refusing bottles, but rest assured it happens! Your MIL's DIL is clearly not planning on breastfeeding, so therefore her baby will know no different. All this interest, is purely because you're breastfeeding and it means she can't have her grandchild stay or give baby a bottle. This is all about her, not being able to do what she wants. My son eventually did take a bottle at around 6 months!! Don't let your MIL bully and intimidate you. Shut the conversation down. Or ask her straight out what her problem with you breastfeeding actually is, because as far as you're concerned it's really none of her business what you do, and you're not forcing your child to take a bottle just so she can feed him/her, because clearly her comments, are at least half of what this is about and the fact your child hasn't stayed over!! Back-off, and stop hassling me!!

I ff mine, but would have loved to have made bf work, and I would have hit the roof by now if I’d been faced with this. You must be a saint!

Tell DH you’ve had enough, he is to phone her tonight and tell her to knock it off, or the meet ups stop right now. If he refuses or ‘forgets’ to, tell him you are close to exploding at her, and will do next time if he doesn’t speak to her.

I think my DH inadvertently stopped several
issues before they even started the first time PIL saw DS1. MIL came in saying Oh, thank you, thank you - to which DH said, we didn’t have him for you. At the time I thought he was unnecessarily sharp, but on reflection it put down a marker right at the start.

FWIW I did the exact same thing as you for the exact same reasons with the bottle… my DD also refused EVERY type of bottle/teat under the sun (I spent a fortune on so many different brands/types/flows/shapes - you name it!). She never did take the bottle, we tried everything (and believe me I was desperate to have this as an option)… anyway, I just wanted to say your MIL is most definitely wrong about babies not refusing! Also she needs to keep her beak out of it!! Good luck on the rest of your feeding journey

Yeah my midwife told me if I waited 6 weeks she’d never take a bottle; she took them from 4 days - 6 weeks when I gave up pumping 1-2 feeds a day as I couldn’t be arsed on top of the cluster feeding! When I tried again about 4 months tbe moment had gone and she refused one until she was fully weaned off the boob at 2 and then became obsessed with the idea 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your DH needs to tell her to fuck off/pipe down.

She sounds like an absolute pain in the ass. Having said that, my 18mnth old still won't take a bottle and I wish I could go back in time and introduce it a little earlier for my own sake ( I waited the 6 weeks too).
If I were in your shoes, I'd invite mil around to try giving baby a bottle of expressed milk. I used to get my mum to do that but it never worked. At least she'll have no choice but to recognise that some babies do refuse bottles.

Oh really, is that right ... them carry on without your way!
I personally hated bf, all of it, except the ease! I hated BF in public and would feed under a muslin, but that's just my preference, I think most people are discrete, rarely see nipples / bare breasted women hanging around coffee shops making sure everyone sees lol 😂

Why are you trying to get your baby to take a bottle? Don’t bother!

My DD would never take one, I BFed her up to 15 months. When she was 10.5 months I went back to work part time, and each lunchtime I diligently pumped a bottle to send in to nursery the next day. Every day it came home from nursery untouched! She went straight to drinking cold cow’s milk from a cup, and I was the envy of my friends, who couldn’t get their babies off the bottle.

You breastfeed your baby (YOUR baby note, not MIL’s) just as long as it suits you both. MIL needs to be told to butt out. I would say to her something final, like you’ve decided not to bother with bottle feeding and you’re not going to discuss it further.

Then, with the back-up of your DH, start to whop your boobs out wherever you please. I did this, it’s very empowering. Tell her she’s old-fashioned if she makes any comments, bet she wouldn’t like that.

But you definitely need to stand firm. Before you know it she’ll be trying to control other aspects of your parenting. Perhaps DH needs to have a word…

She sounds absolutely obsessed with tits, and I would be telling her so.....all rather creepy.

Maybe that will shut her up.
Pay her no heed and see a LOT less of her.

Try cold milk in a sippy cup! Then everything is different. Worked like a dream for me.

As if it wasn't challenging enough in this world to navigate being a Mum you can do without these ridiculous comments and opinions! If you feel brave enough please just get your full boob out next time she's over when your baby needs feeding - it's going to get hot soon (we hope) so you might not have any choice 🤣🤣

Also breastfeeding brings scientifically proven benefits to not just your baby but also to you as well - see below link. There is loads of info out there (I'm a trained NHS Breastfeeding Volunteer and learnt so much through my training!!) Stock up on a few of these for comebacks when she's round next time. Hope she backs off soon 🤞🏼

www.nhs.uk/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding/benefits/

'Excuse me Vera, but I don't recall asking your opinion on my baby, or my boobs. I'll let you know when I want it.'

Or, for a bit of variation:

'Vera, you do seem to spend an awful lot of time thinking about my boobs!'

Then continue to raise your child as you wish.

Tell MiL you intende breastfeeding till LO is at least 2 (whether you do or not!) and you are not currently interested in leaving your LO anywhere, thanks. I fed in public, in markets, cafes, shops, shopping centres, parks etc and it was so much more convenient than having to carry bottles (and worry about the milk going off in hot weather) or having to make bottles up and heat them! Very relaxing. And yes, I fed my DS till he was two - though only occasionally by that age!
Whenever I see a mother feeding, and it is appropriate (i.e. I am at the next table, we have been interacting in some way) I always compliment.
And well done you on successfully breastfeeding your LO. Don't give a bottle, it can disrupt your production of milk btw.

My children were EBF, tried the odd expressed bottle, but they wouldn't take it. Apparently the taste changes when expressed, which might explain the rejection.
Once they started having solids, they moved to a sippy cup, no issues, with either water or cow's milk (later on). Never wanted them to have formula......
You are doing brilliantly with EBF and digs about bottle feeding are ridiculous from you MIL. She needs to keep her opinions to herself. Possibly just keep away from her for a bit. She clearly has an issue with breastfeeding but that is her issue, not yours. (Wonder if she couldn't breastfeed and is jealous.....)

I don't understand why anyone introduces a bottle to a breastfed baby - it's unnecessary and can disrupt feeding. Introduce a sippy cup at about six months, when weaning onto solids.

Why are people so wimpy about stating their case? My mother in law is lovely and I never had a single negative comment on breast feeding from anyone. But if I had, I’d have put them right immediately.

I exclusively bf and never gave mine bottles or expressed.

Do we have the same MIL? 😅

Either your DH handles it, you ignore or you snap back. I did the last two as my husband is spineless when it comes to his mummy.

I’m due again any day now and she’s already got her knickers in a twist that I’m going to breastfeed again. I just laugh at it all now. Her issue is not my problem. I made a dig back “it’s weird how some people are so obsessed with my breasts” that shut her down.

Often their negative fixation on breastfeeding stems from their own failure to do so or some twisted belief.

I would give her a hard stare every time she mentions breastfeeding in any way, and say absolutely nothing. It will unnerve her. Act like she hadn't spoken, its in your power to choose not to engage with her on this issue.

Tell her every time she mentions breastfeeding you plan to add another year to how long you breastfeed your baby

Would love your mil to come across me in public. I feed my 2.5 year old out and about in full view of whoever is looking. The other day in ikea. Tell her how long you feed your child, what you feed them and who is looking is not her concern!

“MIL why are you so obsessed either other peoples boobs? you don’t half talk about them a lot”.

Then just ignore the subject every time after. Don’t respond, keep a blank face. She will eventually give up. And your DH needs to intervene. I had a relative like this about breastfeeding, I just ignored them and eventually they got the message that it’s my baby and my body and that’s that.