MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

As an immigrant to the UK, and now breastfeeding my 8, almost 9 month old, I am shocked by how unsupportive of breastfeeding the UK generally is. My in laws never breastfed or even tried.

Every midwife in hospital, lots of mumsnetters and the majority of my friends in the UK have blamed every problem I have ever had on breastfeeding. Thank god for my NCT group as weirdly there are lots of BF mums there.

You're tired? Stop breastfeeding.
Lazy DH? Stop breastfeeding.
Sore nipples? Stop breastfeeding.
Can't make it to a hen do abroad? Stop breastfeeding.
Baby waking in the night? Stop breastfeeding.

My family back home on the other hand sees breastfeeding as a privilege, an amazing thing to do for my boy. But then again my amazing family has lots of judgment on other crap so i think having a baby just comes with that anyway. Grow a thick skin and ignore her.

I have also found breastfeeding after 6 months is the easiest thing ever, if you're still on mat leave. I've done the hard work, no way am I gonna start sterilising bottles now.

I don’t see how MIL commenting on women breastfeeding in public, is a dig at you?

Even though these comments started after she'd asked the OP how long she intended to breastfeed and told her six months was 'more than enough'?
And she's been at pains to share the 'wisdom' she's read online about how you should introduce a bottle before four weeks? And she's choosing to share with you how quickly her other family and friends introduced a bottle?

You sound quite... innocent.

Eugh YANBU. We kind of had it with my in laws, constant sly comments ‘oh she’s feeding AGAIN? Bottle babies are more settled’ (which btw they’re not. DS was bottle fed and never slept until he was nearly 5, DD was EBF until 12 months old and slept beautifully from about 12 weeks).
I would either formulate a standard response of ‘I’m happy with what we’re doing’, grey rock the MIL or have your DH back you up - and say that all these comments are unnecessary and intrusive. Times have changed and she should mind her own boobs!

‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’

What the fuck is wrong with this hateful woman?

Stop seeing her. Tell your DH to tell her to back the fuck off.

All my babies were breastfed exclusively. If it’s not something you struggle with it is far more convenient than bottle feeding. Stick to it. For mine it mostly naturally fell away as we introduced food and sippy cups at some point between 18 months and 2 years. Last feeds to go were bedtime and first thing in the morning.

Beautiful smile 'luckily me and the baby are happy and thriving, and we're the important ones aren't we? '
Do not justify yourself or engage in discussion, none of her business.

Talk about over stepping the mark, ignore as hard as it would be or tell her to shut the f up!

“Breastfeeding is what is best and healthiest for my baby, and I intend to do so for as long as it suits both baby and myself”. Every time she mentions it.
stop hanging out with MiL if she won’t stop after you’ve said this.
DO NOT be pressured into stopping breastfeeding before you’re both ready to.

I’d start saying “it’s a pity DIL/friend doesn’t love their baby as much as I love mine”. I imagine she will find that as offensive as your finding her comments!

I had it all from my mother al 3 times. She would even try to shove me in another room at her house. I wasn't having any of it. You can imagine what she was like when I got to 3 1/2 years with youngest

Tell her you find it weird that she's so interested in your tits and every time she brings it up you'll be adding another month on.

PS
My MiL was pressuring us to hand over our first child from 3 weeks old. I just ignored her. It never happened.

I found it really difficult to parent when I stopped BF DD.
Tired? Boob.
Cranky? Boob.
Poorly? Boob.
not sure what’s wrong? You get the idea.

Once we stopped I found it so difficult as I had to ACTUALLY work out what was wrong.
Breastfeeding was convenient and solved most problems.
I agree with you though, I found many places quite hostile and have had comments when feeding in public (and I didn’t just whip them out).

Great post!

Ignore and correct if she finds it outrageous to BF then that is her own warped issue and thankfully the law is on the side of the mother!

Feed your baby infront of her and simply respond with they are hungry if you have a problem you can leave! Also agree your husband needs to tell her to be quiet!

The comments are clearly not helpful to you, irrespective of MIL’s intentions. All you can change is your response- I would have a breezy standard answer prepared about how well EBF is currently working for your baby , so no need for bottles right now.

Some babies remain bottle refusers- mine would drink expressed breast milk from cups but not bottles. Some babies refuse all formula milks as well- I continued to BF / express until mine were old enough for cow’s milk.

OP can very easily stop breastfeeding in front of her MIL by massively cutting down the time that she spends in her MIL's company.

She doesn't sound insecure. She sounds like an overbearing know-it-all with hideous old fashioned views about breastfeeding, treating it as something to hide and be ashamed of instead of a perfectly normal way to feed a baby.

The really low breastfeeding rates in the UK are partly down to people with views like OP's MIL.

@Sprinklesjelly She wants the baby at her house, under her care, that's why she wants you to stop breastfeeding! You're doing what you need to do for your baby's health and comfort. It's convenient if you want to bf on demand.
With kindness, you need to lay it out in plain, simple terms. BACK OFF MIL! STOP with the passive aggressive nonsense, and mind your Ps & Qs! Hugs to ya! xo 🤗

Jesus. Can she not congratulate you on successfully breastfeeding. Old bag.

My MIL used to stand over me when I was breastfeeding telling me the baby wasn’t getting enough. I hold her largely responsible for my profound PND during this period.

In hindsight I should have just got up and walked out of the room.

Some people are funny about breasts being used for their intended purpose, unfortunately. Don't let her put you off!

No. Don’t say this. Jesus Christ. 🫢

You can tell a ride MIL to back the fuck off without running down other women.

She needs to zip the fuck up.

She is badgering you to do something that has nothing to do with the best interests of your baby (or you) and everything to do with her wanting to play dollies (probably overnight without you).

Tell her you don't agree/will BF for as long as you can or completely ignore her nasty comments and spend less time if you prefer. Do not get pressured into handing your child over to her for any length of time before you are completely ready, which may not be for years!

And ignore any crap on here about 'Don't expect free childcare down the line if MIL can't bond with baby now'.

I feel for you OP. I ran parentcraft classes for many years. Parents-to-be were often so worried about judgemental comments from grandparents-to-be which had in some cases started already during the pregnancy. My take on it as their teacher was to discuss how everyone will have their own choices about the birth and how they plan to raise their children and it probably pays to make it clear to dissenters that you, as the parents will make those decisions. Start as you mean to go on although that doesn’t mean you won’t change tac if something isn’t working for you, of course. So long as you as parents are the ones to decide. Well done, OP. Stick with your instinct. Your MIL will eventually respect you if you make your position clear on BF your baby and that you’d love support, not criticism. My MIL was horrified that I fed my babies downstairs, let alone in a cafe. (I did both). My DH was supportive and so I came over confident and MIL learned that her input wasn’t welcome there… but was for other things.

This is about much more then the breastfeeding. MIL wants to get her grubby hands on your baby and she sees you as standing in the way!

She sounds pushy and outspoken and I would keep my distance from her. Let her other DIL have her.

She sounds quite selfish. At this point, I'd probably shame her with a comment like, "Seems like you're more interested in having the baby on your own than what's in the best interest of baby's well being and health!"

If she can even be shamed...

I will also add that all of MIL's comments about breastfeeding are her attempt to shame you into stopping so she can get your baby in the nursery at her house. Shame on HER.