Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

I completely sympathise with your message. I have 3 children, one with a rare autoimmune disease and possible AuDHD and one with Cerebral palsy/epilepsy/AuDHD. I completely understand the overwhelm.

I struggled for years and years caring and trying to be the perfect Mum, perfect housewife etc and I always found it incredibly difficult to juggle it all. In the last couple of years my health has declined and I am now being treated for Lupus, IBD and I have two different arthritis’. We had not planned for this but circumstances change. We now have 3 members of the family with chronic health issues and my OH has had to accept we need the help.

My OH now does all of the school runs (I’ve been in flares and in and out of hospital last 6 months). He goes to work while they’re at school. I try to do what housework I can but I have Aquagenic Uticaria - I’m allergic to water and heat until my immunosuppressant kicks in. So DH has to do all the bath times, washing up etc. I do all the admin and whatever else I can. This year, with the physical health issues and the immunosuppressant exhausting me I hit burnout. I visited my GP and it was brought to my attention I was showing symptoms of ADHD. I’m now on waiting lists for both autism and ADHD. Even when I was well, I found it all incredibly difficult to manage and I can’t help but see a resemblance with your post. I found YouTube really helpful hearing how other people experience life with these issues and I’m 99% certain I have both. It may be worth looking into.

Also, the reason I wrote this post was to show that circumstances change, people need support and your OH should be stepping up. You have 4 kids - 2 with additional needs! It’s no cakewalk! You’re under a lot of pressure and I don’t think he realises this. My OH used to think I sat around doing nothing. But since he’s had to step in wow has his attitude changed! It took a long time for my DH to accept I couldn’t do it all anymore, but he is now much more supportive. But it took a long time to get here. A few breaks here and there where he lived elsewhere and realised the grass isn’t greener!

If your OH did move out for a while - as he sounds like he’s checked out anyway - you wouldn’t really have it any harder. You’ve got one less person to run after and you will have some of the weekend to rest/catch up with chores. I’m sure if he had to manage 4 children all by himself for one day his tune would change!

Second the Toniebox, great creation. And if you can swing a cleaner to take some more pressure off.

Hey, that is awful and I feel for you. But if you are working part time can you not use that time to clean up, cook, make things easier for yourself? Your partner has to step up for sure, why the hell did he want 4 kids if he doesn’t want to do any work?!

Another man thinking because he brings in more money he can check out of everything else.

As a more helpful post, sit down. Work out what you do at home, as well as your working hours. Include the weekends too. You should have an equal amount of down time (well, whatever is possible with that amount of children) and should be sharing chores at home fairly, in proportion to your “free” time. Just because someone works more hours doesn’t mean they get to check out if the daily drudge household chores. housework or childcare. I don’t even really know how you’d measure it with a challenging and big family like you have, but the crux of the matter is that it has to be fair. Equal amounts of sleep, equal amounts of chores and equal amounts of child care proportionately. No one parent should be burning themselves out.

OP I'm not sure it's helpful to say this, but your husband sounds like a nasty bully. He badgers you for your salary but complains about you having a job? Either one of these things would be crap but both at once is totally out of order.

If he can't cope with the 4am waking and parenting as he is required, it's up to him to find a job with hours that he can deal with. He does not get to opt out of all household work because he works early hours.

I'm not sure what to suggest. Sounds like you will need mediation of some sort. Is there a friend or relative who can step in?

Goodness OP you’re a bloody hero! I’ve got two kids (one asd one ADHD) and work school hours and I am ON MY KNEES! It is brutal surviving with KS1 kiddos with Neurodivergence thrown in. He’s a twit and he needs a reality check. Show him all the people on this thread saying you’re mint! He needs to appreciate you are a person with your own needs that he is completely ignoring and letting you down as a partner for not helping you. If he wants a Stepford wife he can bloody well order one.

She’s working part time and doing everything . He’s just doing an important man job and then chilling. His day from leaving until returning home is long, fair enough. Hers from getting up with the kids, working, picking up the kids, dealing with the house, kids and their bedtime is longer and more exhausting than his. Why the fuck can’t he tidy up?

OP I’m hearing you! I don’t have 4 kids just one 7month old who is enough. I don’t get me time either not even 5mins because there is always something I need to do regards housekeeping. I feed him, I change him, I bathe him, I keep up with the activities to help him and wake up early hours to change and feed him. I don’t expect him to do it when he is working but weekends give me a bloody break!!
He goes to the pub 3x a week when he knows I’ve been up with baby all night and day he comes in from work wanting “5mins” and I say to him where’s my 5 mins. I don’t go out unless I can and it’s with baby in tow last night he never came home and didn’t bother to tell me. Laughs saying he got a frosty reception to his mates, all the while I’m the one doing everything. I’m tired and exhausted but it’s never seen and sometimes I do get very upset. I worked full time before my son never off sick and I was even working in hospital the day I had him. But it’s not enough to them. I’ve put my foot down I’m not a fucking doormat and I will not put up with this inconsiderate shite. You need to put your foot down too I hope you find your voice it’s not fair and it’s not normal.

I don’t know if this has already been said, but you need to apply for DLA for the 2 children with autism and ADHD.
Get someone who knows how to fill the forms in to help… go by how much help they need on a bad day…have it paid into your account and I wouldn’t even tell your husband! You might even then be entitled to carers allowance and give up work,
your husband is I presume the father of all 4 children?? He should be helping with bath time and bedtime…. Especially since he thinks it’s SOOOO easy!!
and why the feck does he eat in the bedroom? How disrespectful that he doesn’t eat with you all!!
Id be looking into whether you’d actually be better off being a single mum!

wow your husband sounds like a douche bag! Where was he all night? Get your ducks in a row and be prepared to loose the looser

Looking at it from a fathers point of view he does have a point, 4am till 5pm each day is a long day! And maybe you need to be better organised and maybe thats something he can help you with, but the kids are obviously in full time school so what hours are you working? Do you need that job, can you not survive of just his income as I would rather have a happy organised home than what seems to be going on here.

One thing I would say though is maybe he needs to be a bit harder on the kids who are playing up as father's do a much better job of dishing out the discipline so he needs to be doing his part and although he is doing long hours he still needs to help out.

Good luck, sounds like you need it.

With advice like that and a husband like that, she needs more than bloody luck!

I think ‘D’ husband needs to do a shift like yours one day to see what state the house is in. Disappear for a spa day?!

4.am to 5pm is 11 hours, Hardly a long day Sleep for 8 hours undisturbed sleep and that still leaves 5 hours of leisure time

6.15am to 9.30pm is an even longer day. That is 15 hrs 15mins. 8 hours of broken sleep and that is 45 minutes of leisure time (at the most)

She needs a husband who will pull his weight not one who gets too tired to do anything after an 8 hour work day an hours commute away.

Personally I would try getting up with dh and clocking off at 5 pm

Kids can put themselves to bed and get their own dinner after all you will be too tired to do anything after 5pm and as you got up at 4am to sort everything out you can do exactly what your dh does

maybe make your own dinner then go and eat in the bedroom and not respond to any child or dh as you need a break

"4.am to 5pm is 11 hours, Hardly a long day Sleep for 8 hours undisturbed sleep and that still leaves 5 hours of leisure time"

"6.15am to 9.30pm is an even longer day. That is 15 hrs 15mins"

At first I thought you were just bad at maths but then realised you must just me a total misandrist.

Working out the DH's hours incorrectly then ignoring the fact that anyone who gets up at 4am will be going to bed well before 10pm.

Then working out the op's hours correctly. ....

So I work part time, we have one child who is autistic and I am autistic plus I have a disability. I do mornings as dh goes to gym and starts work at 8. Dh comes in at 530/6, he eats tea and plays with our son. He will also sort his lunch and maybe watch a bit of tv if ds is occupied. We do bedtime together and sit down around 830.

On a weekend we each get a layin and childcare/housework is shared.

You have to put all thr kids to bed then make his tea?
What's he actually doing to help?
He should be doing the tea or helping with bedtimes, the cleaning and everything else.
Unbelievable and selfish arse!

I mean even if he took an hour to himself after getting in from work there's still dinner and bedtime he could be helping with. He's just lazy.

They both got themselves into this! They had a 3 year old then had another child, then when the second child was 1, they got pregnant with twins! That many very young and dependent kids in such a short space of time was always going to bring a world of pain! Three kids born over the space of a year or so! Of course it's going to take on both parties especially a dad that's up in the early hours to be out the house for 12 hours a day. They should have had these conversations about how tough it could be before having 3 kids in quick succession especially as things like ADHD and autism seem to be rife among kids these days!

So he does fuck all to help with the household/parenting? Get rid. Youre already a single mother

She worked out the maths wrong, yes. Why do you jump to her being a misandrist? He is doing one thing - his job. A long and tiring day granted, but the OP is doing a part-time job as well as all of the other jobs - all of the household chores, all of the childcare (remember she also has children with additional needs) for four children and cooking for everyone. To say that the division of labour in this dynamic isn’t fair isn’t being a misandrist. The OP must be burnt out. Anyone would. No parent, and yes it is usually men, can just check out of doing anything else because they work long hours, even if they’re exhausted. They either need to get some help in, which they probably can’t afford as the OP is working to help to pay the mortgage, or her husband, as tired as he is, needs to take on at least a couple of the bedtimes/help tidy up a bit etc.

I had one of these. It was awful, Hd thought he deserved a medal for washing up or putting the kids to bed. He walk in the house, spend approx 90 minutes of uninterrupted time in the bathroom, go out to the neighbours/his man cave/play on the Xbox and then have the audacity to moan if he had to do the washing up or tidy abc call me a lazy bad mother: I was home education an autistic child and had a baby aswell.

Your life would probably be easier without him - mine was.

And with the corrected maths…she’s still doing more than him.

Look at the end of the day, you can't pretend his job isn't going to exhaust him when he gets up in the early hours, is out the house 12 hours, will have to go to bed at a decent time!

What I see, isn't necessarily all men being arseholes! I see couples being stupid by not having important conversations before bringing kids into the world! Like does both parties passionately want a child, of both parties aren't enthusiastic to have one or get involved once the baby is born then it's not a good idea to have a kid.
In the OPs case, why have another pregnancy when at that point they already had a 1 year old and a 3 year old! The conversation should have been had about how extremely difficult life would be with so many very young and dependent kids! At one point that was three toddlers to look after! The conversation should have been had between the both of them about how it would work, would it work with the dad's job being so time consuming! And ADHD and autism seems rife now so thats a conversation any couple thinking of having kids should have!

"She worked out the maths wrong, yes. Why do you jump to her being a misandrist?"

Because she has no problems working out the maths for op but ignored that 6:15 is not the usual get up time; it was because one of the DC was ill plus op does not work every weekday so often has 7 hours to herself while they are at school.

She then minimises the long hours that the DH works and on top of that says that 10pm to 4am is 8 hours sleep... Never mind that he leaves for work at 4am so probably gets up earlier than that....

We still don't know how many days the husband works these hours or how they split weekends work