Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

I'm exhausted just reading it to be fair. Sounds knackering. You're a trooper for even being able to work part time! There is a huge difference between working long hours in an office or wherever and having to look after children at home...

He doesn't sound like much of a partner from your post. Other than money does he bring anything else to the table? Does he even spend time with your children? No wonder you're overwhelmed and overstimulated. Something is going to need to change before you burn out completely.

He's a bully and you have ADHD

I wouldn’t call it emotional dysregulation. Some days my 2 kids push me to the brink - and I bet that’s even easier with 4. No one but no one can be calm all the time when they are running around between 6am - 9.30pm day after day after day.

Sounds more like it’s burnout? Too much for too long without sufficient time for recovery.

If the child who kept getting out of bed has adhd/autism, I had the same issue with my child until I started to give her a micro dose of melatonin at bedtime.

In your shoes I’d be exhausted and overwhelmed too and your DH should be helping.
I work 3 days a week and have 3 children, husband works 6 days a week 8-6. A few things that I do that have helped me are

1. do the food shop on one of my days off and meal plan for the week.
2. on the days I’m working I either chuck stuff in the slow cooker or use a batch made meal I’ve made on my day off.
3. Get up before everyone else and go to bed early.

My friend is the super organised queen so each of her children have a 5 plastic drawer set in their rooms which are labelled with the days of the week and has the right things in each drawer ie pe kit, football kit etcfor that day so that the children just grab it from the drawer.
Her laundry system is a set of cubes that are separated and labelled in white and coloured and the children put their own washing in them.
I always admire her systems and say I’m going to implement them but I never do as I can’t be bothered and then curse the mornings I’m still dashing around looking for stuff.

I love my 40 minutes in the morning before I wake up the kids, I drink a hot drink without interruptions, put on the porridge for breakfast, line up the packed lunches (prepped the night before) chuck a load of washing in the machine on a timer so it’s just finishing as I walk back through the door in the evening. It does mean though that I’m usually heading to bed for 9.30 once it’s all quiet to read/go to bed as one of ours still wakes in the night 🥴
My DH hates mess and untidiness but knows to grab the hoover and pitch in rather then strop about it, I do more because I’m home more however he always says it easier to go to work than sort out everything at home.
I used to work 4 days a week and found that we never had time, weekends were spent catching up on the chores that hadn’t been done during the week. I dropped down to 3 because I was burning out, snappy and grumpy with everyone. If you can alter your hours and can afford to finish abit earlier or drop a day, I would without a second thought.

Make a comprehensive list of all the family tasks and tick off the ones that he has to do.

You could choose some age appropriate ones for the DCs too.

It’s absolutely not right to ask a 9 year old to help with childcare.

I personally would give up work for a while. You’re both worn out. I understand your job is important to you though so is there enough money for a cleaner once a week?

Won’t help with dealing with 4 children almost single handedly but will take the household pressure off a bit.

Then parenting classes for your husband.

Get rid of him??? That's bonkers advice, that will leave her under even more strain.

I can’t believe he leaves you to put 4 kids to bed solo!

I have 3 (incl twins - one with significant needs) and it’s a bloody nightmare. When home it’s all hands on deck.

If he thinks it’s so easy then you need to get out of the house and let him see how bloody easy it is.

Im furious for you

His not doing nearly enough. Working is something most adults do, it just is what it is. Family life is a joint job, so you get from work and both do what needs to be done. He works full time and you work part but have ALL the home responsibilities, so you’re in an infinitely worse position than him. My DH works full time, I’m a SAHM, our kids are 7, 5 & 3. I do school runs, packed lunches, dinner, uniform etc. We alternate bedtimes, washing up, tidying in the evenings is all shared. I can’t believe he is sitting on his perch judging you for not doing a good enough job when he is doing f all! Makes me so angry.

I have four children with almost identical age gaps as yours, although my twins are almost 10 now(it gets easier, hang in there). When they were younger, it was incredibly full on, overstimulating, exactly as you describe, and I was so stressed and shouty. It was a really difficult stage.

I also worked part time then (full time now) and when my husband came in from work, exhausted, it was all hands on deck and he did his part with the kids, housework, whatever. If he had taken his dinner away for a quiet time I would have lost my shit. There was too much to do! Neither of us got time to ourselves except very rarely (again, it’s better now).

We had a lot of rows about housework and such during that period as we were both frazzled. But if he had expected me to do his share as well, i doubt we’d still be together. I really feel for you OP and I hope that he will step up and do his bit. He’s not helping you out, this is part of the lifestyle he has chosen and he needs to carry his part and not expect you to do all the heavy lifting.

There's not much point telling people not to have twins.

My partner gets up at 4am three times a week for work. He does finish by 2pm so on those days he collects the kids from school (I work full time and do morning drop off), does their dinner and any other parental/domestic stuff until I get home (5:30 - 6ish depending) and also do parenting/domestic stuff. He then goes to bed at 8pm and sends middle up bed while I read to youngest. I send oldest to bed when I am done. He will youngest story if she asks.

He is being a dick to leave you to struggle but also, stop allowing it. Sit him down and tell him what support you need/would like and divide up the evening tasks. If he won't do that then I expect you have to ask yourself how worth your sanity this relationship is.

So she has approx 6 hours twice a week to rest, clean, cook, shop, do laundry and do anything else needed for the household? Theres lots of daily jobs that wouldnt be resolved by having this time too.
and you would be wondering why she isn’t managing, rather than wondering why her husband isn’t using his evenings to contribute to the house? Interesting.

He treating you like someone he’s employed to bring up his children and tidy his house. Even then he wouldn’t get away with speaking to them like that.
Him having a job doesn’t mean he gets to bypass his role as a parent.
It sounds like the only person not managing their time and responsibilities is him.

The 9year old should not have to be stepping in and helping parent when there is a perfectly good actual parent - dad! - in the house!!

Why is a 9 year old expected to step up instead of him? Jesus wept.

OP you need to sit your oh down at a time you are both calm and rational, and discuss the division of labour in the home. How many hours do you work? He doesn't get to opt out of domestic stuff entirely just because you work fewer hours, unless you are for eg only working say 1-2 days a week and have 3 full days while the kids are at school to get stuff like cleaning, cooking and organisation done.
Bedtimes sit outside this - these aren't household chores this is time with your children that he should want to share in. Was he not on board with the 3rd pregnancy as he doesn't seem happy?

This all said.... Is there a chance you are a bit soft /unwilling to be firm with the kids and this is contributing? It does sound like they are quite hard, most kids by 5 are past the being naughty at bedtime. The fact that he ends coming in and being firm suggests he doesn't think you are being firm enough with them. I'm guessing there's a balance between his approach and yours.

Also, if you do have several days off in the week are you using the time effectively to tidy/clean, and get some batch cooking done?

What's the point of him?

Give him the choice of splitting and getting 50/50 custody meaning he'll have to parent his own kids 3.5 nights a week and do all the housework, or starting to actually parent his kids 3.5 nights a week whilst you are together.

12 hours is a pretty long time. I can clean my house top to bottom in 3 hours, then spend 1-2 hours tidying and getting organised. Then I'd spend 4 hours batch cooking in one go - make all the mess at once then clean up and the result should be 2 or 3 nights a week when dinner is just a quick reheat in the oven of a cottage pie, or whatever. Couple of loads of laundry could be shoved through alongside this. You can get loads done in 12 hours.

Not if you are on your knees with exhaustion or have a sick child. I could do none of that.

To add that I completely agree with @OnyourbarksGSG(great post) that time is your most precious commodity.
I have an early finish one day a week which has meant I get less pay but it’s brilliant. I have time to get home and I just lie down! I used to do jobs but I soon realised I was better off just lying down and relaxing because that made me feel recharged and ready.

I try not to think badly of my husband. We had an argument recently and despite me seeing all of the things I do (and I do a lot) I was minimising what he does. I hadn’t thought about the times he cancels plans because one of the children needs us, when he does the shopping so I don’t have to, when he rearranges a meeting so he can take one of them to a club and his full time job. It’s made me look at things more from his point of view.

Quite possibly. The OP referred to it as such, which was what I was responding to. I suffered with it massively, so it isn't an insult from my point of view.

What does he do apart from from work? It sounds like you work and do everything for the kids and house.

Then what happens when four kids get home and start playing and you're making their dinners?

Mum of two here (married) - 14yo ds has adhd and 8yo dd is on autism & adhd diagnosis pathway. Our life since dd came along has been far from easy and about two years ago I suffered burnout due to constantly high stress levels as a result of dd's emotional dysregulation and school avoidance. Dh very likely has adhd too (undiagnosed, but coming to the realisation that he has struggled throughout life in similar ways to both our dc). But he has always, always, tried his hardest to support me and the kids, both practically and emotionally. When I told him I could no longer do my job (also highly stressful) he supported my decision - even though at the time I didn't have another job to go to. Even when I was not working, he ensured I had time to myself, ran me a bath, took dd on bike rides, washed, tidied, did school/ childminder drop offs and pick ups.

Thr dynamic you describe is unfortunately not unusual where there is neurodivergence in the family. It's often the mum/ wife who ends up doing everything. It's why 80% of parents with ND children separate, and it's why the mother is often left taking care of the kids post-divorce.

Op, it has been unbearable at times in our household, with both of us (mostly) functioning and trying very hard to work as a team. You have four dc, two of whom are ND, and 'D'H who isn't really functioning (for you) either. You must be at absolute rock bottom, broken. I know how I felt two years ago and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I am almost certain that it is that either your dh steps up, or you will need to ship out. You cannot continue as you are. Would you/ he consider counselling? Might you/ he also be ND given the strong genetic link? I'm so sorry you're going through this.