Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

Kids aged 5-9 are old enough to be told not to make a massive mess when the house has bed tidied. They should be putting their own school shoes/coats/bags in the designated place (under stair cupboard? Hooks by the door? Wherever). Mine would then be told to sit at the kitchen table to colour or draw, or heaven forbid could they maybe have 30-45mins of telly? Or play in the garden.

YANBU

He chose to have 4 kids. It’s his equal responsibility to parent them.

You sound very stressed and burnt out. Totally understandable. This is making it difficult to parent the kids, who neither of you should be shouting at. No judgement (most of us have done it). But should obvs be avoided. You need time and support to allow you enough rest to regain your strength and feel calm. Your DH shouldn’t view parenting as being harsh enforcer or ‘the bad guy’. He should be kind and give his kids his time and support. Calm parents = calm kids.

IMHO you need a serious talk with your DH about how to manage your income, childcare and household chores. Your DH should expect to share the load equitably. Sure, if he earns more in a demanding, tiring job, he needs time to rest. But parenting four kids of those ages and doing all/most household chores is an equally demanding, tiring job, and you also need time to rest. You’re basically doing all the childcare and housework while also working P/T. No one should have to get up at 4:00am to manage, especially if you’re not sitting down for the day until 9:30pm!

My advice is don’t give up your P/T job as that gives you a foothold in the job market, a life outside of home and family (where you’re not just mum and wife) and helps with current and future financial independence. Your DH needs to arrange his working hours so he can help more with childcare, e.g. on the mornings/evenings when you’re at work or weekends.

Four kids of those ages, even without ND, are hard work. The mess, squabbles, bedtime battles, school needs, activities, endless ailments that spread through the household etc. You can’t expect a perfectly tidy, well-run home and calm family life. Sure, you can expect the kids to tidy up their stuff and help out with chores, so you’re all working as a team. But it’ll inevitably be chaotic and tiring to a certain extent or at times, however well-organised, firm with the kids and hardworking you are. There are always curveballs. No one can keep it up day in day out. We all have dips in energy, especially women, due to menstruation and perimenopause.

So, your DH’s expectations are unrealistic, as he’d discover if you swapped roles for a few weeks or he became a lone parent and had to care for the kids 50/50 and do all his own household chores. Or even if you were hospitalised or (heaven forbid) died. What would he do then? Pay for a cleaner or more childcare? Change his working hours for a better work/life balance so he can be there for his kids? In which case, he may need to consider that now if you can afford it. If you both behaved like your DH, who’d look after the kids, cook and do the housework? Why should he expect you to be the one to compromise and juggle work and everything else?

You have to go easy on yourselves and each other when you have young kids. You have to all pull together as a family team. Not shirk responsibility and blame. They’re not young forever, though appreciate ND kids often need a lot of support throughout childhood/teen years. But it should get easier once they’re a bit older and don’t need quite so much attention. Hang in there 💐

100%

I shudder at the thought of 4 kids. I’m stretched with 2 and just pity those with so many kids. I don’t know what to say op, it sounds too much.

Tell him taking care of four kids is far more work than his job.

This is so brilliantly written, so much excellent advice here.

They aren’t toddlers. They’re old enough to play quietly, be in the garden or help their mother.

If he thinks he could do better maybe he should quit his job and do all the childcare and you work full time.
He sounds like a complete twat. Your life would probably be easier and the children more settled if you didn't have to deal with him.
I understand leaving for work at 4am must be really tough but so is caring for 4 young children, adding in the autism and adhd makes it even more difficult.

What was the thought process behind your post ????

I have four boys under 8 years old and a part time job too and you literally described my day and my husband doesn't go and eat on his own. On the contrary he goes to work from 5am to 4:30pm (he is an electrician and he does really heavy work) and then comes back home to help to look after the boys while I cook or sometimes he cooks as well or cleans. Its impossible to do ot by yourself. What I mean is that the stress you are having is normal, I feel like this and is nothing to do with your capacity is just very overwhelming being with children all day or trying to sort them plus going to work. You are doing great, he should be doing more to help you, you are clearly overwhelmed and with justification plus imagine the hormones and the body is tired after having the babies, don't be hard on yourself.

Sorry but that’s absolute bullshit. He thinks because he works a long day he doesn’t need to parent his children?!

I know plenty of parents who do 12 hour shifts as single parents, yes the kids do have to step up but with two parents in the house that is ridiculous. My own exH did long hours driving - 11 hour shifts starting at 3. Only 2 children but he still managed bath times with both every night. Ours are 19 months apart so not gonna lie it was difficult at times. Exhausting. He would still do house work and cook too (was a better cook than me at that point). He is ex because he was a shit husband, but has always parented our children.

Your husband sounds like he doesn’t enjoy or accept being part of a family. He needs to step up or step out.

In the meantime do you have anyone that can help? My parents were useless and did nothing, but inlaws used to come and take washing sometimes. I hope you have someone that can help you through this situation. 💐

How was his mother with him? Often men were spoiled by their mothers and they don't understand why their wives can't be more like their mums. And when things start to unravel for whatever reason, they blame their wives for not sorting things out for them.

This is classic parent/child stuff. Would he go to therapy with you?

They ARE young children, hence tidying and cleaning is not a one-time deal. So we should really dispense with 'advice' that treats it as if it is.

I'd agree with this. It's easy to get steamrollered into feeling very inadequate.

Have a read around how ADHD presents in women.

I feel so sorry for your position. I presume you both agreed on having children & I appreciate 4 children can be a handful. We had 4 ( one with Downs Syndrome who was also deaf) but I was very lucky with an extremely supportive husband & a mum who lived next door from the time my youngest was a baby.

I really think you should put your foot down & insist he helps more.

I’m sorry OP but your husband is a lazy fucker and needs to step up. He can’t use his job as an excuse not to coparent and do his share. Very typical male behaviour and keep reading it on here again and again. I’m struggling to think anything other than men are just arseholes.

You work from 6am to 9.30pm every day with no breaks. 15.5 hour day. He does 4am-5pm each day with breaks, 13 hours minus breaks, and I bet his colleagues are less work than your kids. I'd ask him if he'd like to swap roles?! I'm not even joking.

Omg he needs a good look in the mirror what an absolute twat letting you struggle through this. Did he not get the parenting memo? The kids are both of your responsibility irrelevant if you work or not. We left them men behind a long time ago. Imagine if every parent who worked full time got out of parenting there would be so many more single parents. Why does he ignore them messing around then steps in like this. Tbh if he had any balls he would help and tell the kids before it got this far. Also if it was me and he thinks your job isn’t needed I would pack it in go to bed when kids are at school for a few hours to get your rest. Then spend your afternoon sorting out dinners etc. but also tell him you are giving up your job to be a present parent and he needs to do the same he’s not exempt from pulling his weight just cause he works. I know it shouldn’t be you choosing kids or work but your health is very important why burn yourself out. one day you could lose it big time and regret your actions I know it’s easily done when your tired and frustrated.

Who the fuck are the 5% that voted that the OP is being unreasonable?

I want a word with you.

You are doing amazing! I think I would lose my mind in your position.

I really hope your husband pulls his head out of his ass and supports you, both emotionally and on a practical level.

Had two lots of twins with only 16 months between them. ex would go to the pub most nights rather than come home to the noise and chaos. It will get better until they hit the teenage years which were for me the worst and when we split up. For now Pack that job in or get something with less hours.

Just have an organising conversation allocating the household tasks. He has to help more and if too tired due to starting at stupid o clock, he needs to change jobs.
Kids need to help with own tasks like putting away toys etc.
Also, none of this eating alone business. He should see meals as family time. Needs to shape up, not add to your load

Bit of an assumption about her hours there. Part time could be Monday to Friday 9:30-2:30. This isn’t leaving any free time is it?

He's their dad he should be doing more. Just because he works doesn't mean he doesn't parent. In terms of the kids, I have a lot more than 4 and all are autistic. Unless they're very severe where they don't understand, 5, 6 and 9 are ages they should not be needing you to be tearing your hair out settling them into bed. As i say, if they're severely autistic that's a different story but if not, then you need to learn to put boundaries in place. Don't allow them to walk all over you. They'll only do what they think they can get away with.

If she would return and answer the myriad questions about her work pattern, and his, we would not have to assume.