Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I’m attention seeking

1000 replies

PooStep · 08/05/2025 08:17

Currently on holiday with DH, MIL, FIL, SIL and her husband.
Before we even got here they had all been going on about this specific breakfast in the specific restaurant that is a local speciality. It was decided we would go there on our first morning and get this item.
So first morning, this item is mentioned again and they’re all excited about getting it. The way they were going on I was assuming this item was all they sold in the morning so I said too I was up for trying it.

We got to the restaurant- sat down and FIL told the waitress we wanted 6 of said item. I then said “actually, I wouldn’t mind having a Quick Look at the menu?”. I saw MIL roll her eyes and I’m pretty sure SIL pulled a face too but can’t be certain. DH then whispered to me “don’t start this now for gods sake” !? Was asking for the menu really so bad? I’d noticed as we walked in that everyone was eating different things so clearly there was more on offer than this one item. I ended up choosing something different, I didn’t realise however that mine would take longer to arrive so I was sat without anything while they all ate theirs. SILs husband did say “shall we wait until Poostep’s arrives?” And MIL said “no I don’t think so, we came in for these didn’t we, I don’t want mine going cold”. So they all ate. Mine arrived 15 minutes later and naturally I was sat eating on my own after they all finished.
later DH asked me if I was going to be seeking attention throughout the holiday. So were they right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
AthWat · 08/05/2025 13:33

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 08/05/2025 13:27

No I can’t see that, and I wouldn’t agree to go and eat with anyone who made such ridiculous demands. It’s like the mafia, ‘I’m making you an offer you can’t refuse’, it’s hilarious that you think this is normal, it’s completely controlling 😂

Show quote history

It's not controlling, it's wanting to introduce someone to the moussaka. In this invitation, the moussaka is the point.

It's like someone said earlier. If I ask you to the cinema to watch a film that I think is particularly good, then the film is the point. I don't expect you to get there and decide we should watch a different film. You watching it is the point. Me introducing it to you is the point. I've said I like this film and you should see it, and you having so little respect for my judgement you'd suggest some random other thing when we get there is rude.

If I just ask you to the cinema for the pleasure of your company, then suggesting a different film when we get there is perfectly normal.

Situations are different.

mrsmiggins78 · 08/05/2025 13:33

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 08/05/2025 11:11

This thread is really interesting- it identifies several types of people

  1. controlling one’s - the ones aggressively saying variations of “just eat the bloody Churros or nothing” the group that keeps order.
  2. The ones who only really value being part of a group giving up any personal desires/wants to go along with the crowd irrespective of how that is fulfilling to the individual “don’t rock the boat” and will take all manner of shit to be part of the crowd - just keep the peace at whatever cost. - the group that keeps society stable.
  3. The people who actually don’t take kindly to being told what to do, the more you push them to do something your own way the more group 3 says “fuck off”. Natural contrarians - the group that actually pushes society to change and develop by not being afraid to stand out from the crowd.

Society needs all 3 but group 1 generally hates group 3 because group 3 favours chaos over order (group 3 is prob where many ADHDers sit). This means group 1 can’t do what they love and boss people around. Group 3 will see this as bullying and shout fuck off even louder.

Group 3 probably dislikes group 2 because they see them as boring appeasers who won’t rock the boat for what’s right. Group 2 are horrified at group 3 because they threaten social order which must be upheld at all costs.

The 3 groups, esp 1 and 3 prob shouldn’t holiday together

Edited

There's a fourth group you forgot to list. The self-centred narcissists who hide behind being in group 3 to justify their narcissism.

WildflowerConstellations · 08/05/2025 13:33

Butchyrestingface · 08/05/2025 13:32

I do wonder if the situation is one where the in-laws, a fairly structured family with good time management skills, have decided, rightly or wrongly, that the OP is an awkward, time-wasting contrarian. They are still keen to have their son and their daughter-in-law on holiday with them so were looking to ways to mitigate the faffery and flakiness.

Hence, asking her in advance whether she'd like to join on them on their mystery meal breakfast. Being clear that they were all going to said restaurant to sample said delicacy.

Stating that they were going out on a trip the next day and everyone needed to e up and ready to leave early.

Yet, their plans still got fecked up because after agreeing to it all, OP changes her mind at the 11th hour and holds them up. So they're exasperated and she doesn't know what's gone wrong.

100%

Upsetbetty · 08/05/2025 13:34

SoMuchBadAdvice · 08/05/2025 12:36

The Vegan eats vegetables & the Coeliac has gluten free. It's passive aggressive to create problems that don't really exist.

Show quote history

And if the certain dish everyone is eating can’t be made gluten free…pray tell what should the coeliac do/eat do to please the others!? 🙄

Fliperty · 08/05/2025 13:34

If I was invited to join anyone on a holiday they had gifted me, I’d expect to fit into their plans, unless they were very casual about it all.
So, let’s all go to x and have y for breakfast, I’d do just that and follow the plan.
The cocktail, choosing another seems fine- but you’ve already lost the room by not going with the plan for breakfast.
Agreeing to go on a walk and then faffing about and making everyone wait in the morning is just adding fuel to the fire.

You have been invited as a guest to join them on their holiday. It’s polite to be mindful of this.

You do sound difficult and unable to read the room. They as a family seem a little uptight.

I suspect you’ve got form and they are quick to get irritated by you!

Justgoingforaweeliedown · 08/05/2025 13:34

This is absolute madness OP. Imagine having the audacity to exercise your free will and order something from the menu that was also on offer in the same restaurant and drink stand. How strange that everyone must eat and drink the same things.

My biggest issue would be your husband though. Sounds like he's just used to doing what he's told by ILs and going along with it for an earsy life and it's easier to tell you to get in line.

This would be my last holiday with the ILs. I'd be needing another holiday to unwind by the time I got home!

Heylittlesongbird · 08/05/2025 13:34

Without hearing their side I obviously can’t tell if it’s them, you or both,

However some of your examples would drive me mad. Hanging around waiting for someone while they dither about is really annoying.

But, because I’m more of a people pleaser who tries to go with the flow, I like to hope I’d hide it from you.

BobbyBiscuits · 08/05/2025 13:35

ArtTheClown · 08/05/2025 10:19

Because she ordered a cooked breakfast when everyone else was having pastries

Tbf that didn't actually happen, that's just been speculation on the part of other posters.

Yeah, they're implying she's some Brit abroad stereotype who only wants an English breakfast. And that the other items are pastries? If they are that's not necessarily a full meal for some people?
And unless they'd only factored in enough time for a precooked pastry to be placed on a plate and scoffed it's fine to eat whatever you fancy on holiday. If not then, when can you?

RhiWrites · 08/05/2025 13:35

I so yo don’t say attention seeking but I do think OP is very self absorbed.

If the family says “let’s all go out for pastel de nata tomorrow” and you agree, it’s poor form to arrive at the place and then decide to have something different. You agreed to go out for pastel de nata together. No one forced you, now you’re messing up timings by ordering something else.

If someone says “ooh those pineapple drinks look lovely, shall I buy one for everyone?” then it’s not being a dick to say that sorry but you don’t like pineapple. It is however being kind of awkward to say “actually I want a coconut drink” when you do like pineapple.

And if everyone is sat waiting for you with their shoes on ready to go, it’s kind of selfish to say “I have an elaborate hair drying routine and I’m also making a coffee while you all wait for me”. That’s annoying. I also have a hair routine but I can slap on some product and ponytail it when everyone is waiting for me.

Snickersnack1 · 08/05/2025 13:35

I remember being a child on an outing with my friends and their mums. We were in a shop and one of the mums picked up three bags of sweets and said “I’ll get us these for the journey home”. I said “Can’t I have an ice-cream…?” The reply from my mum came swiftly “No, Aunty X is very kindly getting you these sweets, so be grateful and say thank you.”

Ultimately, OP, you are being treated by your FIL. He is paying for the trip, so your role is to be gracious and go along with his suggestions, not keep making different choices as though you’re the one paying for it.
I think this dynamic was pretty clear with the pineapple drink. He wasn't offering you whatever you like: he was offering you a pineapple drink. Hence telling you to sort yourself out with something different while he got the rest.

Whether you mean to or not, you’re coming across as contrary and entitled to your in-laws.

AthWat · 08/05/2025 13:36

Upsetbetty · 08/05/2025 13:34

And if the certain dish everyone is eating can’t be made gluten free…pray tell what should the coeliac do/eat do to please the others!? 🙄

Show quote history

Say they can't eat it because it isn't gluten free and have something else, which absolutely nobody at all has objected to.

Greenartywitch · 08/05/2025 13:36

OP I think you already shown a lot of patience and willing for agreeing to go on holiday with so many members of your husband's family.

Something I would never even consider doing unless I knew that they were the relaxed and supportive type.

Now, they seem to think that a grown woman can't choose her own food and your spineless husband is enabling them.

Frankly I would not put up with any of their nonsense, including your husband's...

''@Snickersnack1 · Today 13:35
Ultimately, OP, you are being treated by your FIL. He is paying for the trip, so your role is so be gracious and go along with his suggestions''

What?

The OP is not a possession or a small child that can be told what to do simply because someone used their credit card to book a trip.

Some seriously bizarre comments on this thread...

Emonade · 08/05/2025 13:37

PooStep · 08/05/2025 09:44

PIL are paying for the holiday so like to control every aspect about it. Example being everyone sitting indoors between 2pm and 4pm. I get bored so went for a walk. This is also attention seeking apparently.

They all wanted to go to a specific place one morning. I was up for this. DH got up and went to get a coffee. Told me they’ll be setting off early so I jumped in the shower, washed my hair, came down for a coffee and they were all sat shoes on waiting to go out!! DH said “are you going to get your shoes on?” So I said “I have to dry my hair and have a quick coffee yet!” SIL started taking her shoes off clearly looking pissed off and MIL muttered “half the day will be gone by time we get going”. Nobody told me we were on a strict time schedule! If I’d known we had to be out by a certain time I’d have got ready earlier but DH said I was attention seeking by insisting on drying my hair and having a coffee when I knew they wanted to set off. If my hair dries naturally it goes incredibly frizzy and awful. He knows this.

It sounds awful, they all sound awful! You shouldn’t have to adhere to their rules, you can have what you want to eat/drink

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 08/05/2025 13:37

AthWat · 08/05/2025 13:26

"Join me for dinner at this restaurant if you want to try their famous moussaka".

You have two choices. Go try the moussaka. Don't go. How is this hard?

Edited
Show quote history

Your further explanations are not making it sound any better 😂 ‘I will only ever agree to invite people to eat with me who will adhere to MY rules and will eat what I say, or they can f* off’, absolutely unhinged! Do you have friends or hostages?!

Wanttobefree2 · 08/05/2025 13:37

My first thought reading this post was, what a bunch of dicks 😂 seems I was not alone…

AnonymousBleep · 08/05/2025 13:38

Greenartywitch · 08/05/2025 13:36

OP I think you already shown a lot of patience and willing for agreeing to go on holiday with so many members of your husband's family.

Something I would never even consider doing unless I knew that they were the relaxed and supportive type.

Now, they seem to think that a grown woman can't choose her own food and your spineless husband is enabling them.

Frankly I would not put up with any of their nonsense, including your husband's...

''@Snickersnack1 · Today 13:35
Ultimately, OP, you are being treated by your FIL. He is paying for the trip, so your role is so be gracious and go along with his suggestions''

What?

The OP is not a possession or a small child that can be told what to do simply because someone used their credit card to book a trip.

Some seriously bizarre comments on this thread...

Edited

Even though her husband's family are paying for them to go on the holiday?

I dunno, I'd put up with eating pastries instead of a fry-up (or whatever) for a free holiday!

Uniscam · 08/05/2025 13:38

witheringrowan · 08/05/2025 13:26

But that's not quite the comparison. It's like agreeing to to go to the curry house for the express lunch menu, that everyone knows will take 50 minutes to order, eat and pay, and then getting there and deciding that actually you want to look at all the other options, and order something longer and more complicated, that's out of sync with everyone else and changes plans that were already agreed.

OPs problem is that she doesn't seem to understand the boundaries of the choices she's been offered, or the appropriate time within the decision making process to make her preferences known.

Breakfast - just go with what you've already agreed to eat when deciding to go to that venue on that day. If having a choice or not being committed to something in advance is so important, say so at an earlier point.
Drink - She's been offered a pineapple drink - the answer is y/n, not let me see what else is available.
Walk - Clearly she has a morning routine - so if agreeing to go out to something early, check what early actually means so you can get up far enough in advance. If they say we want to go at 8:30 and her hairstyling requirements make that impossible, offer to catch them all up there rather than expecting everyone to hang around.

What happens between 2and 4pm

3luckystars · 08/05/2025 13:38

Happy hour.

Megifer · 08/05/2025 13:39

AthWat · 08/05/2025 13:33

It's not controlling, it's wanting to introduce someone to the moussaka. In this invitation, the moussaka is the point.

It's like someone said earlier. If I ask you to the cinema to watch a film that I think is particularly good, then the film is the point. I don't expect you to get there and decide we should watch a different film. You watching it is the point. Me introducing it to you is the point. I've said I like this film and you should see it, and you having so little respect for my judgement you'd suggest some random other thing when we get there is rude.

If I just ask you to the cinema for the pleasure of your company, then suggesting a different film when we get there is perfectly normal.

Situations are different.

Edited
Show quote history

You're not comparing similar situations though.

In a cinema it's one screen, one film. You have no choice but to watch what's on (edited - by that I mean no choice but to watch what you've paid for) and if you go you know what's coming - the one film you have paid for.

Only someone with sociopathic tendencies would say "let's go to this place for breakfast, but you must only eat what I approve of and if you're not on board with that then don't come"

That being said I do believe you're being very mischievous with these comparisons and know exactly what youre doing and I am secretly enjoying it even though it is very obvious you're on the wind up 😬

AthWat · 08/05/2025 13:39

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 08/05/2025 13:37

Your further explanations are not making it sound any better 😂 ‘I will only ever agree to invite people to eat with me who will adhere to MY rules and will eat what I say, or they can f* off’, absolutely unhinged! Do you have friends or hostages?!

Show quote history

Why do you people insist on generalising?

This is one possible situation. Not the only way anyone ever gets invited out ever. It hardly ever hapens. The fact that it hardly ever happens should make it easy for people to go with it on the few occasions it does.
The OPs situation was one of these few occasions.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/05/2025 13:39

I think you should stop going on family holidays together. You clearly don't like the same things they like. I wouldn't want to spend my holidays with people so controlling that it became a huge issue the moment I didn't want to do exactly what they want to do when they want to do it.

user101101 · 08/05/2025 13:39

This is so weird. At the same you time get posters that say it’s abuse to force someone to finish their plate. So why would you expect someone to eat something they don’t want to?

also, who decides what everyone should eat? Why can’t it be OP?

PassOnThat · 08/05/2025 13:39

GhostOrchid · 08/05/2025 13:16

I learned a long time ago that when I’m with them I never get to pick what I want to do because I’m the least important person in the room. There’s lots of communal eating and it’s always on someone else’s terms. No one ever asks what I would like or where I would like to go. It’s ok. I’m not fussy. Plus family rituals and stories, which are fairly tedious but I just sort of zone out. They’re very nice, kind people but I am clear with DH that we have to do our own thing too.

Show quote history

It's precisely this. When we're staying with the ILs, I'm the "least important person in the room". DH wants to try this or go for a run with his father - great. I want someone to watch the kids for 10 minutes so I can shower or use the loo in peace - I'm being annoying and do I have to do this now? My ILs have a dog and so I actually take my younger one to the loo with me while I'm staying with them. If I do get to shower, it's with her sat in the bathroom watching cartoons on my phone. And then I get lectured on "the evils of screen-time for children"' and "we didn't use screens in our day" 🙄.

I am always holding everyone up when we go out because I am the one supervising and getting two small children ready as well as myself. Ignoring the fact I've been up since 6 entertaining them, it's now 11, and PIL have inexplicably decided that we need to leave WITHIN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, otherwise the whole day will be spoilt.

I did get a bath last time while someone kept an eye on the kids, but that was because my youngest vomited all over me.

AnonymousBleep · 08/05/2025 13:40

Emonade · 08/05/2025 13:37

It sounds awful, they all sound awful! You shouldn’t have to adhere to their rules, you can have what you want to eat/drink

Show quote history

Do you really think it's all about the OP's ILs being awful? If I'd made plans to leave early to go on an excursion and one of my kids rocked up just before we were about to leave with wet hair that they insisted on drying and refusing to go without having a coffee first, I'd be (rightly) annoyed with them. The OP sounds like she's a bit of a diva to me.

BoredZelda · 08/05/2025 13:40

Bournlucky · 08/05/2025 09:12

Well that is being annoying for the sake of it. You knew what you were doing OP, I’d try and be easier over the next couple of days.

Show quote history

But choosing to eat what she wanted for breakfast? How is that being annoying for the sake of it?

Thus family sounds batshit. Are they the kind of people who all dress in matching outfits?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread