Dads staying overnight on children’s ward

[IWantAShitzu]

We are regular inpatients at our local children’s hospital due to my sons rare condition (over 60 nights spent in 6 months)

usually we end up in the same ward, which is great as the staff all know him very well and he gets great care, we usually have a side room closer to the nurses station as he can be quite high risk so they like him being near them.

most recent admission the hospital was packed and there was no space on our normal ward so we were sent to a different one, and put in a four bed room - absolutely fine these things can’t be helped.

usually when our stays are longer I stay with our boy during the week while my husband works and sorts out our other three children, and then we swap out at the weekend.

when we were on this different ward, there were no privacy curtains. I was told they had been taken down for cleaning and got damaged, there weren’t any replacements available apparently.

Apart from a couple of worrying times of viral toddlers trying to touch my baby who is very vulnerable it wasn’t too bad although I felt quite exposed sleeping in such an open space with strangers but we all got along well and it was fine.

my question is - would you have felt comfortable if you were on this open ward and I had swapped out with my husband on the weekend as we normally do? I decided to stay, as I didn’t want my husband and the other mums feeling awkward, but I was annoyed that we were put in that position, it’s exhausting being in the hospital and I didn’t see my other children for a week.

was I unreasonable to stay instead of my husband?

How? Vulnerable girls can get over their feelings?

Or are the same men that make YOU feel uncomfortable actually fine after their babies are born??

Op I think what you did was very kind. It's not about being the default parent, it's a bit of decency understanding that some people will feel uncomfortable in that situation. It's shit you had to though as the curtains really should have been sorted.

My DH and I split this equally - we have probably around 10 over nights a year now, more when younger. When DS was born and I has to bf, he did them all for around a year, it wouldn't even occur to me that it would be a problem and I think it's a little bit sad that others might

Maybe it is just me… but I can’t comprehend why you’re giving anyone else, but your family, a second thought in this situation. Why is a stranger a priority over your family?
I don’t mean to sound rude but this is utterly bizarre!

I’ve been in the position of staying on an open ward with my child and I would not mind at all if a child’s dad had stayed- it’s a needs must emergency situation but the lack of curtains isn’t really acceptable.

No I’d not care and I’d not expect anyone to comment if it was my family. It’s a horrible situation to be in so I don’t think worrying about that is necessary! Anyone who commented would get a mouthful!

This.

You’re really kind to think like this @IWantAShitzu
I do think on a children’s ward it’s totally fine though for the dad or the mum to stay.
I hope everything improves for you soon x

I found rational thought was entirely abandoned by my spiralling brain when my child was ill in hospital so I can fully understand why op is hung up on this.

Personally if I was at rhe breastfeeding stage and dc were in hospital overnight I'd find it awkward but in any other circumstance I couldn't care because your focus is usually just the child and nothing else comes into it at that point.

To be totally honest I would probably feel more comfortable with open plan on a children's ward from a safeguarding perspective so that all children are in the immediate eyeline of the staff at all times especially if there is a period where their parent isn't there or needs to go to the loo for example. Curtains in that situation would put children at risk from the other adults on the ward. If a child is particularly vulnerable then being in a ward with other mobile children is still going to be an issue for infection control anyway.

I have also spent a lot of time in hospital with my child and I hate being in a bay. I hate that my child is exposed to additional infections they don’t already have- the worst is being put in the RSV bay when they don’t have that …yet.
Anyhow I digress, I have been told off multiple times for closing the curtains, apparently it’s against the rules. However, I find it so uncomfortable trying to sleep with strangers and the lack of privacy. I worry about my snoring and one night I woke and my boob had come free from my pyjama top for the whole bay to see! So I suppose in that respect I was more embarrassed about men being in the bay in those circumstances but equally my husband does take his turn and stay over.

I wouldn’t be bothered about normal dads staying with their children. It’s awful when you’re in hospital and there is an aggressive person there (male or female) so really it’s the behaviour of the parents not their gender that would matter to me. I had an aggressive father right next to me on the maternity ward and I checked myself out early post c-section because I was scared of him! Maternity wards are different to children’s wards.

Did you and your DH not take it in turns?

It is unacceptable that there were no curtains. What about a child's privacy and dignity?

My son had a long hospital stay until his discharge in January, he started out in PICU and then was on 3 different wards (as well as 2 more brief visits to PICU, liked to keep us on our toes!) and I didn't care at all when a father stayed. Most swapped over frequently with the mums and it was never any issue.

Always do what is best for your family, OP, especially in such difficult situations.

I hope your little one is doing better now.

Does this train of thought stem from dad's and post natal wards? As almost everyone disagrees with dad's staying then.

Potentially but I guess this is different in that if a single fathers child was in hospital they would of course need to stay. Whereas on a womans ward unless something is seriously wrong it's maybe more debatable.

Women in both hospitals I've worked in and the hospital I trained in campaigned for someone to stay with them the entire time they are in for induction, labour and the postnatal period.

In two hospitals, they were only allowed to sleep in labour ward/the birth centre. In one hospital, they were allowed to stay in the postnatal ward as well. No hospital allowed men to stay in the antenatal ward for induction after hours. But in all three, they were allowed to stay for all of it after campaigns and surveys.

It was the staff who had mixed opinions, not the women. Very few wanted it to stay as it was but not all choose to have their male partner stay either.

My issue with partners staying on mat wards ..both pre and post labour is that they were generally noisy and inconsiderate.
It's one thing to be there to support your partner..but in my experience I never saw much of that. The partners there were either snoring loudly, talking loudly on the phone, or listing to crap on their phones. It was that and not the babies, labouring women or nurses that disturbed me.

My overriding memory of my last labour is the murderous thoughts I was having about the man in the bay next to me who was playing tiktok videos on high volume and laughing obnoxiously.

He wasn't a weirdo or a sex pest, just an inconsiderate dick.

Well... the mood I've been in lately, i wouldn't be too thrilled at the sight of a man anywhere tbh 🙄😒😄

It can't be helped girl, he was probably feeling awkward himself, and he shouldn't. I understand that you were just asking for opinions though, rather than being unkind about him.

Wishing your son well, op 💕

My ex husband is just as much an equal parent as I am. Anyone having a problem with him (really decent respectful man) needs to get therapy

It’s absolutely fine. Either parent can stay. No curtains is rubbish though - that would have been terrible for us (and it was all quite terrible enough…) You do what works for you all, and don’t get too tired!

It’s such a different scenario from when Dad stay on the antenatal or the postnatal awards where it’s the mother that’s vulnerable so the female patient that’s where it feels a little bit awkward with Dad staying
Not on a children’s ward

Wouldn't have bothered me op, hope your son is ok 💐💐

Men/ Dad's have just as much right to be with their sick children? Who on earth would have a problem with that?

of course a loving dad should be allowed to stay next to his sick child.
If God forbid this was our kid my husband would stay no issue, and wouldn’t give a crap what anyone else thought. Anyone taking issue should be focusing on their own child.