Dads staying overnight on children’s ward

[IWantAShitzu]

We are regular inpatients at our local children’s hospital due to my sons rare condition (over 60 nights spent in 6 months)

usually we end up in the same ward, which is great as the staff all know him very well and he gets great care, we usually have a side room closer to the nurses station as he can be quite high risk so they like him being near them.

most recent admission the hospital was packed and there was no space on our normal ward so we were sent to a different one, and put in a four bed room - absolutely fine these things can’t be helped.

usually when our stays are longer I stay with our boy during the week while my husband works and sorts out our other three children, and then we swap out at the weekend.

when we were on this different ward, there were no privacy curtains. I was told they had been taken down for cleaning and got damaged, there weren’t any replacements available apparently.

Apart from a couple of worrying times of viral toddlers trying to touch my baby who is very vulnerable it wasn’t too bad although I felt quite exposed sleeping in such an open space with strangers but we all got along well and it was fine.

my question is - would you have felt comfortable if you were on this open ward and I had swapped out with my husband on the weekend as we normally do? I decided to stay, as I didn’t want my husband and the other mums feeling awkward, but I was annoyed that we were put in that position, it’s exhausting being in the hospital and I didn’t see my other children for a week.

was I unreasonable to stay instead of my husband?

When we've had inpatient stays it's always been a mixture of mums and dads... Didn't think about it at all. Everyone was just doing their best in difficult circumstances.

I’m a paediatric nurse. It’s Just tough luck I’m afraid. We can’t possibly tell people who they can have staying. And the curtains have to be kept open for your child’s safety. We only have one side room. And we wouldn’t give it to anyone for that reason.

I would be more concerned about being in the room with contagious children. Especially if vulnerable . Don’t they keep contagious and non- contagious kids separately these days?

Kindly OP, you also said... It’s been a tough journey and sadly we don’t know how long we have with our beautiful boy so we just make the most of every day!

So please stop thinking of others before your husband and child

Let him make the most of it too.

I've stayed in with my daughter many times, like you we usually end up with a private room and now that I come to think of it when we have ended up in a bay I don't think there's ever been a dad staying. I probably wouldn't feel particularly comfortable with it, but that's my own issue.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You’re having to share a room where you’re sleeping with an unknown man.
Sexual assault rates in hospitals are off the charts. Complaint about this.

My mum died when I was 5 and I was raised by my dad. I had spells in hospital, as did my brother and sister where obviously we needed our dad there. To be separated from him when all other children had a parent present would have been incredibly traumatising. Not just because we’d be alone but we’d also be surrounded by other children getting comfort and love from their mums which is incredibly isolating and emotionally difficult. Whilst it’s obviously more common for mums to be the main caregiver and therefore seem to be the majority of the people on hospital wards with their sick children, there could be children there that simply don’t have the option to have mum there. Dads are parents too, and should have every right to be there for their children. Nice of you to think so considerately of others but in this case I think it’s a case of “overthinking”. Whatever is best for the individual child and family is the main thing xx

Is there no other hospital accommodation like Ronald Mcdonald etc.?

I wouldn’t have cared but I can also see how the lack of curtains made you feel awkward about it.

Actually that is an issue of maternity wards being under staffed.

Vulnerable women who have just given birth should not need to put up with having someone else's man on the other side of a curtain 24hrs a day.

For lots of reasons not every partner can stay 24hrs. And women deserve to have privacy and dignity at least for the over nights on the ward.

Not every man is respectful of his partner never mind the random woman on the other side of a curtain.

Remember you might well also have some teen mums on a ward is it really appropriate for them to be effectively sharing a room with some random 40yo man.

I stayed in hospital with my baby for a few nights and there was a dad opposite me for one of the nights. It didn’t bother me at all. The hospital had an open curtain policy too so it felt abit exposing regardless of who else was around tbh but I got over it after the first night. I was just focused on my baby, that’s all I cared about.

I agree. I had a massive blood loss and couldn't look after myself, let alone my baby. My DH stayed as we had two midwives covering both that post-natal ward and the high risk pregnancy ward at the other end. We did have a private room, with private bathroom, and he was instructed not to leave the room outside visiting hours. But it was necessary for him to stay. We didn't even see any other women on the ward while there.

Fathers are parents too and I would have no problem being on a ward with one of them. I'd not like there not being curtains though, as I do like some privacy. However, sometimes you just have to make the best of it.

Yes I agree that in an ideal world they need better staffing. But they don't have it/hospitals aren't equipped for that - so at the moment your suggestion of not letting the other parent stay is only going to put vulnerable babies at risk

I'd fail to see why they couldn't simply ask maintenance or whoever to replace the curtains, or if not brought one of those privacy screens things for your bed area?

I guess maybe at that time it was not a priority and patient care was all very hectic and maybe they were short staffed.

For me I'd just want the privacy screening/curtains regardless of the sex of the other people. In a children's ward there's going to be both sexes staying by default though.

I'm sorry your child isn't well. I hope things improve. X

Agree, and in a public hospital, you just have lack of privacy in pretty much any situation. It's part of the deal really.

The nurses were relieved to have my DH there. Their workload was so high they really needed the support themselves.

If he hadn't been there, the other women would have had to deal with my baby crying until the nurses could get to her to lift her to me, because I couldn't sit up. She didn't have to cry with him there to help. They'd have had to deal with me bleeding all over the place and needing help with that in the ward, because I couldn't deal with it. That's not nice for anyone. They'd have had to deal with all my visitors (and I wouldn't have stopped all my kids from visiting me as they needed to know I was doing okay and see their new sibling).

Fortunately I'd had such an ordeal I got the rare private room but the nurses all felt birth was a family event, so father's should be accommodated.

In all honesty I don't know how I'd feel as I've never been in that situation, but I didn't like having men traipsing about the post natal ward. In fact I hated it. That doesn't mean I don't understand why they are there or think they don't have the right to be, just that in general hospitals can be difficult, vulnerable places. I think you were being thoughtful and considerate in even thinking about it and I appreciate that.

*I also in three days on the ward didn't see a single father at the bedsides take over the care of a baby.

My DH dealt with my bleeding, took me to the bathroom and cleaned it up after me, changed the baby, brought to her to me feeding (which was all I was capable of lying there doing while receiving blood transfusions), gave her baths, walked her around to settle her, looked after her while I slept or passed out, dealt with doctors and nurses for me, helped me with food and drink, among other things. None of those things I could do myself and that would have had a huge impact on any other women I'd shared a ward with without someone to help, if I hadn't been lucky enough to be given a private room due to the circumstances.

I have no idea why there would be an issue with a dad staying with his child. It strikes me as an odd way to think particularly in such circumstances.

This.

As I said, I understand the 'why', my daughter's dad also helped because I couldn't lift her up. I just didn't see very much of it otherwise.

How can you be annoyed at a position you put yourself in?

They are usually only for families who aren't at their local hospital, who are expected to have long hospital stays and/or their children are in a PICU where parents are unable to stay overnight. They are also limited and highly in demand so it can be very difficult to get.

We had hospital accommodation when our son was in PICU and due to the fact we'd been transferred from our local hospital. As soon as he was well enough for a ward, he wanted one of us to stay with him.

A Dad staying over wouldn't bother me but a lack of curtains would.

I wouldn't feel comfortable in just PJ's/Nightshirt without a curtain for privacy but that would be the regardless of who was sharing the room with me.

I’d be more worried about the parents letting their kids touch other kids tbh… especially your poor little boy. I’d be making a fuss about that part. I’m so sorry your little boy is so unwell.