Dads staying overnight on children’s ward

[IWantAShitzu]

We are regular inpatients at our local children’s hospital due to my sons rare condition (over 60 nights spent in 6 months)

usually we end up in the same ward, which is great as the staff all know him very well and he gets great care, we usually have a side room closer to the nurses station as he can be quite high risk so they like him being near them.

most recent admission the hospital was packed and there was no space on our normal ward so we were sent to a different one, and put in a four bed room - absolutely fine these things can’t be helped.

usually when our stays are longer I stay with our boy during the week while my husband works and sorts out our other three children, and then we swap out at the weekend.

when we were on this different ward, there were no privacy curtains. I was told they had been taken down for cleaning and got damaged, there weren’t any replacements available apparently.

Apart from a couple of worrying times of viral toddlers trying to touch my baby who is very vulnerable it wasn’t too bad although I felt quite exposed sleeping in such an open space with strangers but we all got along well and it was fine.

my question is - would you have felt comfortable if you were on this open ward and I had swapped out with my husband on the weekend as we normally do? I decided to stay, as I didn’t want my husband and the other mums feeling awkward, but I was annoyed that we were put in that position, it’s exhausting being in the hospital and I didn’t see my other children for a week.

was I unreasonable to stay instead of my husband?

The curtain scenario is bizzare what if children:babies need personal care etc our curtains were paper just popped some up ourselves if soiled, domestic staff used to change the fabric ones. I’ve been a paeds nurse for 20 years and all sorts of parents and family members stay. All welcome, curtains always open overnight as per ward rules. I’ve also been the parent many times with asthmatic son. It’s difficult I hate being the patient/parent, always me stayed overnight dad for days as couldn’t leave him alone. I hope you’re home soon op sounds a tough admission

I stayed with dc once in a children’s hospital that had twin rooms. So there was me and another dad in a closed room, sleeping beside our two children’s beds, no curtains between the beds. It wasn’t the most comfortable experience tbh.
But he did nothing to make me feel uncomfortable (apart from snoring very loudly), and had as much right to be there as I did.

Hi OP. I hope your little boy recovers. What a tough situation. Ignore the arsey responses you've had, and I'm glad that those who responded thoughtfully have reassured you that your husband can and should share overnight duty xx

I’m so sorry your little one is poorly op.
but agree with the majority. Dads have the same rights as mums to be there. It wouldn’t enter my head to question it. The last time we were in I was so sleep deprived I was hallucinating. If my dh hadn’t have been able to swap so I could sleep I think I’d have been sectioned. Be kind to yourself. Do what’s right for your family 💕 lots of support to you

You shouldn't be closing curtains while sleeping anyway. The nurses need to be able to see their patients.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if there was a dad staying on the ward.

We’re about 90 days over 5 months. Curtains though.

It’s parents taking care of children under care of nurses who are at a station so always watching. You were unreasonable to stop your husband taking care of your child. It is ok in that scenario.

My daughter has had quite a few longish stays on a children’s ward and tbh I’ve never given it a second thought when my partner takes a night on the ward so I can get some rest. It also doesn’t bother me sleeping in an open space if there are other men, a lot of the night time HCAs I’ve found are men as well, it is a bit awkward but ultimately we’re all there to look after kids.

This is gonna sound a bit rude cause onvisously everyone is there with a sick child. But I wouldn't really care if it made other mothers uncomfortable. I would do what is best for me and my family. We can't expect dad's to eb equal parents and then at the same time feel uncomfortable when they are being equal parents.

It was very kind of considerate of you to do that. I don’t think it was necessary because at the end of the day in that situation other people’s discomfort is not your problem. It’s a Dad looking after a poorly child.

The tone of some of these responses is a bit defensive, just to clarify - if a father of one of the other children stayed overnight, it would not have bothered me at all.

I decided to stay for the whole length because I was worried one of the other mums would have an issue with a father staying there. I just wanted peoples opinions.

Thank you 🩷 I just wanted to avoid an uncomfortable situation for everyone else xx

Anaesthetist so in kids wards all the time. Least 40% of those staying are dads

I love this!

I am currently working on trying not to worry too much about others xx

Why shouldn’t a dad stay?

I imagine they would be focused on their poorly child to worry about random women.

I wasn’t saying a dad shouldn’t stay. It wouldn’t bother me at all.

This is a really weird one but I totally get what you mean and it’s definitely not just you.
on the surface of it I’m like ‘no of course that’s not an issue they’re there to care for their child…etc’
But I have a disabled DS and when he was little he had a stint in hospital whilst I had a breast fed baby at home who needed me on a night so I’d do days and DH would do nights. We were often moved or had new people arrive during the day ‘always mums with little ones’ and I always felt the need to explain DH would be coming, about my baby at home…and that DH was actually a doctor at that hospital himself. I know I did that because I wanted those women to feel ‘safe’ with him. I will add that I’m a survivor of sexual violence so maybe that impacts.

I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
this is the kind of situation I wanted to avoid for my husband.

he already feels a bit upset at times when medical professionals tend to only address me when discussing our son.

I can’t see the problem, the children are the patients, not the adults. So you are being unreasonable about dad’s staying. You are not being unreasonable to expect curtains if they are usually provided though.

Perhaps the wrong question?

l wish your child well and feel for you at this awful time. ❤️

Bless you 🩷
That's exactly the point I was making - I wouldn’t have an issue at all but I know that others would xx

Why shouldn’t men be with their partners/babies on a maternity ward though? Especially as midwives are so stretched. Theres weirdos everywhere but surely the majority aren’t remotely interested in other women post birth?

When my son was incredibly ill in A and E one night, the other parent in the little bay, overseeing a boy nearly dying with a asthma attack, was a dad.

I hadn't thought about it until you mentioned it now.

I had no child care so was trying to keep my one year old and me from falling off my 4 year olds bed. We were both curled up on the foot end.

Fathers have as much right to stay there as mothers?

It's probably a different conversation for another thread because it's something that always ends up in a heated debate on MN, but in my opinion men shouldn't be allowed to stay overnight where women are sleeping. Sometimes post birth, sometimes post C-section. It's a vulnerable time and many don't feel comfortable with unknown men there, especially as curtains should remain open at night. One poster on here had to report the man in the bay next to her for trying to pressure his girlfriend into having sex in the ward, a few hours post birth. No we can't control all the weirdos but I firmly believe we shouldn't allow unknown men any access to women on a maternity ward. Midwife care and staffing levels is another issue entirely and the issues shouldn't be conflated, yes it needs fixing but I don't think the answer is to let men stay overnight on a women's ward. Everyone thinks their husband or boyfriend is behind reproach and would never do anything dodgy, but not all weirdos are single, some just hide it well.

That's my opinion, shared with many thankfully, but I won't be responding further on it as I said, it's a divisive topic for another thread and I don't want to detail the OP's thread.

I agree with this. After my first birth - when I hadn't slept for three days and has lost a lot of blood - I passed out with my baby on my chest and the only reason she was safe is because Dad stayed overnight to watch her.

Dad's stay in maternity wards to care for the babies because often the mothers are unwell/have been through an ordeal and the baby needs support.

I don't see how it's fair to not have dad's look after the babies on labour wards if mums are unwell, particularly if they've just had a C-section/traumatic birth/lost a lot of blood etc