To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

yes I suppose if Hitler wanted to get those Jews in your basement you would be totally hinest

bad anallogy

the poont is sometimes a lie and manipulation can be the lesser of 2 evils

she wants to be back with her husband and he also wants this. The children also want tgis

the new guy never has to know and neither does the baby

unless the baby is another race I don’t see the harm. You already have 2 children. The chances of divorce or things not working out with the new guy is much higher than it not working out with a husband of 10 yewrs

you raise ththe child as if he is tha full sibling of the other 2 children and not only is this going to be a LOT easier for the kids it’s going to be easier on mom

the only reason not to is if she really loves the new guy and thinks it’s worth a lot of stress and disruptions. I did this ( divorced and started a new family) and I don’t really recommend it

Plenty of men have raised other mens babies. If her DH doesn't' want to that's his choice to make.
Living with the lie would be terrible for Op and shut for the child

Thanks for all your replies

I hope you're ok and feeling like there's a positive way forward.

You're in a situation you didn't mean to be in. You didn't do this on purpose. You're a good person, go easy on yourself. Your kids will be ok. Your ex will be ok. The pregnancy exists now and if you want to keep it that is ok, it is your body and your choice. Again, your kids will be ok. It might be hard for them but life can be like that, they're growing up fast and they'll get their heads round it.

Thoughts with you @MaddieInAmess . Wishing you peace of mind, clarity and
discernment. I once had a similar dilemma and external support and counselling was invaluable for me.

I wonder if he’d still feel that way if he knew you’d very recently told your ex that you were regretting ending things and potentially wanting to reconcile.

A friend of mine had a horrendous labour with DS1, Fine with #2, nearly died with #3 who has down syndrome.
She's in her 40s.

Do you think you and your children would be able to manage should #3 occur?

And like PP have said, miscarriage is increased risk.

I think you need to focus on what you've got already. Some people would kill for 1 child. You've got 2 and life isn't conventional rn.
If your life was different then maybe another pregnancy would be ok but I don't think so I'm afraid.
Sorry.
Good luck whatever happens.

@MaddieInAmess

How are things going?

If you definitely do not want a termination then you will need to tell both men that you are pregnant.

At the present time, it might be unwise to make any decisions as to whether you want to resume your relationship with your husband. But presumably the issues that led you to separate have not been resolved - as you say your husband was emotionally distant and unaffectionate when you were together. And do you have any idea how your husband might react to your news - would he, for instance, be able to accept what has happened and agree with you continuing the pregnancy? Just as importantly, would he be able to fully accept another man's child as his own? How would your children react to the news of your pregnancy/were they aware of your relationship with the other man? Other than if you change your mind about a termination, in which case you need to take steps now, don't do anything hasty. Perhaps you would find counselling (on your own or, if he was agreeable, with your husband) helpful.

I forgot my details so have created a new username

I have been in such a mess

I let this go on too long and now I’m too late for a medical abortion

I have a pre assessment for a surgical termination on Thursday

Im so scared

OP I remember your post. It’s normal to be scared. Hopefully somebody who has been in your position can give you some advice that may help you so you don’t feel so scared.

How have you been coping these past few weeks? How are your children? I’m assuming you have not told them.

No I have not told the children
Or anyone
I can’t do this to my children hence my decision

Please look after yourself as well. Sometimes mothers sacrifice so much to keep their children’s lives happy that we can neglect our mental and physical wellbeing.

There is only so much you can stretch. Is there anybody you can talk to in real life? A family member of friend that you trust. Sometimes talking to somebody can really help even it’s just emotional support.

No
but thank you so much

Hopefully my next life will be better as I’ll have learnt from all these mistakes

I have to look after my existing children I know this - I am just scared but I’ll be ok

Mumsnet Is a lovely world ❤️

Forget about everyone else snd what they want. What do you want? This is your life.

I just want everyone to be ok
That’s all I can feel right now

But will you be okay if you have the abortion? My main concern is that if you bottle everything up you may eventually have a breakdown. Sorry it may sound extreme but you are a human being and it seems like you’re stretching yourself for everyone else

Sometimes the hardest decisions to make are made for the right decisions.

Your existing children need the best of you.
Keep remembering that.
Sending you strength.

This is what I have accepted

I think I could have a breakdown either way I play it really so I’m trying my best to do the right thing for the teens that are already here

Surgical abortion isn't that bad - you're asleep - in some ways better than medical. Good luck with it and well done for making the decision.

This. I had to have a surgical termination and it was really not bad (minus the emotional side obviously). You have a sleep and then chill for a bit and go home. I was very well looked after and overall everything went well. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat or ask anything.

Sending strength. You're in such a difficult spot but it won't be like this forever.

Well what do you want us to say then?

We can’t make your DS happy about all this.

I don’t think you can trick your ex h it’s his unless he’s pretty stupid.

I doubt he’ll want to be with you with someone else’s baby if he didn’t want a third of his own.

So it sounds like go it alone is the answer unless you want to hitch with new man (whom you seem not to actually prefer) .