To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

You will need childcare.
surely you’re not planning to have your child with you at work the entire time? How are you going to get any work done when they’re crying, feeding, pooping, teething, crawling all over the place? Have you forgotten what toddlers are like?????

You’ll be raising a third child on your own and your relationship with your 13 year old twins would worsen and neither are coping mentally at the moment. You’ve only seen this man a few times and he wouldn’t have a relationship with the child as he lives hours away and has other children.

Personally I don’t think you’re in the right headspace for another baby and I say this gently. I know it’s something you really wanted so maybe if things were further down the line with the new guy or if things were better in terms of your ex then he’s have the baby but right now please think about what’s best for you.

OP, please don’t get an abortion assuming it won’t work logically because of what people say on mumsnet.

I am pro choice and have had an abortion myself in the past so I’m not saying don’t have one. But it has to be the right decision for you, not the decision of some MNetters you’ve never met.

Speak to a professional. Get some counselling. Keep talking to the new man about how this would work in reality.

And whatever happens do not get back with exH!

I would love another baby. But I have two children on my own already aged 10 and 14, the youngest has AuADHD. For me to have another baby would be awful for them, especially as a single woman.

OP, the pregnancy hormones are making this much worse for you. Please don't beat yourself up.

You've done all the things the mumsnet crowd expects including not introducing your new man to your kids and taking contraception. In that sense, the poster who accused you of putting everyone before your existing kids is completely off the mark.
Life has thrown you a curveball.

Things can still be ok. If you get back together with exh, you have to own the fact it's not going to be better than before.

If some of your children are asd and struggle with change, they might like the idea of him moving back but find the reality is more change again and they really struggle.

Life is tough, I'm really sorry you’re going through this. Just take one step at a time and try not to worry to much about the future.
Nobody is perfect and when you're dealt such hard cards to start with, it's not surprise you end up making less than ideal decisions sometimes. And sometimes there are no good decisions to make.
Be kind to yourself.

How have you ruined lives? You left a marriage because you were unhappy, your DD wasn’t happy neither! Your exH is blaming you for the breakup, instead of soul searching and owning up to his part in why there was no intimacy and affection between the both of you in the latter years. He and DD have a strained relationship because she isn’t like your DS who loves to throw his arms round you for a hug and very affectionate, Ex H has to have the people in his life do all the work as he won’t. That was a huge reason you split up so why are you blaming yourself? You instigating the break up doesn’t make you to blame for the marriage breaking down! Your Exh might be playing the blame game, pointing his finger at you but that doesn’t mean it’s true.
You’ve been seeing this guy secretly for 6 months, a LDR after years of being in a loveless, sexless marriage, it helped bring up your self esteem whilst being in a deep depression. No wonder you have found it impossible to end things with him. You don’t love him, you don’t know him well enough, you love the affection and sex. He is not going to rescue you, he is not a white knight on his steed. He won’t stop your Exh from twisting the truth and trying to force your son into choosing sides. He won’t solve your problems, in fact his presence in your life will blow up more problems for your son. He has said he will stand by you once you told him you’re pregnant which is great but you can’t lurch into a full on relationship to escape your false feeling of guilt being placed on your shoulders and your DS unhappiness because his dad is twisting the knife making sure he is so angry at you that he can’t accept your breakup.
You need to get your head out of the sand, tell your son it takes two to make a marriage work and it’s not fair on him to be made to feel he has to take sides. That parents shouldn’t do that as it is harmful on his mental health and explain of course he is angry and upset but you are there for him to talk through his emotions. All the anger and depression in the home must have a negative effect on your DD too, she needs stability too. You need to come to terms with the breakup of your marriage too and accept that it’s ok to walk away from an unhappy relationship, that a relationship without anyone putting any effort in is perjury and didn’t want you and your children to grow up in a toxic environment. Your son in years to come might thank you for showing him that it’s ok to end a bad relationship.

I also think that it’s good that your BF has other children and he can’t fully commit yet, you need time to help your twins accept you and there dad breaking up and to sort out your Ex from filling your sons head trying to weaponise him.
You and BF have years ahead of you to get to know each other properly whilst separately bringing your children up and he will stand by you and the baby. If you didn’t have the twins and just moved into his house it would a lot of resentment from his daughter and other kids and if he could just move into yours it would make your twins extremely upset. You will still be in a relationship with him but with the space apart to put your children first.

That is the best post I have ever read. It really hit me. Thanks (even though it wasn’t meant for me) it was brilliant x

@SpryCat Nails it perfectly.

Have you considered counselling in some form for your DS? Getting back with your exH, who you left for valid reasons, isn't a solution for any of these issues.

She’s massively noise sensitive? Babies not being very quiet….An A level student of mine complained bitterly about her baby brother this year (unexpected, she’s been an only child for 17 years!) saying she couldn’t work at home at all.

I know you said you couldn’t end the pregnancy, but how is this going to impact your dc? Your possible renewed relationship with your ex? Please try to work out if you just feel bad for your ds and sorry for your ex before rekindling your relationship, obviously.

I know from experience that emotionally detached men can not become emotionally sensitive to your needs. Because you ended the relationship for this reason it's very easy to feel that there was nothing much wrong and be tempted to get back together. In some ways you have already moved on without your ex and especially as you have been happy with another man who you miss. Ask yourself whether you are taking your ex back because it makes everyone else happy and that's the easy option and would you genuinely be happy to go back to life as it was. Or would you like some time alone to think through what you really want for the future.

You’re making this into a huge deal when it dosnt need to be. I’m sorry but this situation is a total shit show and so unfair on all the kids already involved (and sounds likes theres a good few) because two adults can’t stop making puppy eyes at each other over a meagre year. Both of you need to put your current children first for once.

Question - why do you think you have ruined lives? Who is feeding you this nonsense? Why do you feel guilt for leaving a relationship which made you feel unhappy? Why do you think you should have stayed unhappy? It is entirely possible to be a trap husband a good dad - The two are not mutually exclusive.
Do you love your ex or do you love current partner or do you love none of them? This you need to make your mind up on. There is zero point to stringing either or both of them along if you are having a wobble about dealing with happy accident on your own as you are still going to be unhappy and therefore none of the angst has been worth it. You have also got to accept that baby is coming - I think you know you are keeping it otherwise you wouldn't have booked a scan, you would have booked a termination. Lastly give yourself some grace - you are dealing with a lot. Loss of a family unit. Loss of a husband. Lack of full time support from new partner due to living arrangements. Hormones from happy accident. Growing a baby. Preparing for the baby stage again. Worried about other children. And that is on top of just the regular day to day stress of running a house. It is a lot. You are entitled to feel sad, stressed, a bit excited, sick, whatever. Good luck whatever you chose to do - it might be hard but in the words of L'Oréal- you are worth it! 😊

It is a pretty big mess. It’s not your fault but you do need to step up and start taking control. You’ve made a decision to separate from exDH and you need to own that, for your son’s sake as much as anyone’s.
The indecision and backwards and forwards with your ex is not helping. You already gave it another chance and it didn’t work. Stay on good terms with your ex but don’t get back together. The inevitable break up will be even more messy and devastating for your child.
With peace and love, however much you think you want a baby, and many woman do have this overwhelming urge in their 40s as they face the impending loss of their fertility, it’s the last thing you need. Your older children need to come first and your financial security is paramount, especially with the precarious financial position of both the men in your lives.
The baby’s father is not in a position to support you or live with you for at least three years, maybe more. He is rightly putting his existing children first.
Your mental health is fragile. Your depression has alienated your potential support network. You know your lovely son may suffer. Your daughter may too. (Btw exDH is quite right not to give in to her demands he become vegetarian. It’s a personal choice and you do her no favours if you don’t support him in this). You really aren’t in a good place to bring a baby into the mix. Whatever you decide, make the decision. Don’t just leave it chance. Take ownership of the decision and model purposefully behaviour for your children. Good luck. I wish you well.

First, congratulations!

Second, is your child on the spectrum labile? Do they react strongly and lash out? Would you fear for the baby? Are you able to reason with your children? Will they react strongly to crying?

Can you organize the household to accommodate and integrate an infant? Will the ExH come help with his children while you care for a newborn? If you are not bringing the new boyfriend into the household, there is no reason for DH to not help you with his own children.

If you can wrangle two children, one on the spectrum, and add a baby, go for it. DS will have to adjust because there isn't another option. There must be classes or groups about integrating babies into families with older children and families with ASD children.

You need to look after the 2 children you already have. In your shoes, I think I would end the pregnancy.

It sounds best to end things with the new man, unless he is prepared to do sporadic long distance for the foreseeable future.

Getting back with your Ex sounds a very bad idea. It will only lead to a 2nd heartbreak and upheaval, which won't be good for your son.

“I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.”

i think you (both) need to prioritise your DS. He is at an incredibly vulnerable time of his life and sounds like he is really struggling. He clearly wants, quite understandably, to live with his father, and you need to figure out a way to make that happen. if you’re “100% sure he would move out” if you brought a new man where exactly would he go? The streets?

P.S. Your comment about not being able to cope with the guilt of breaking up your family rings a bit hollow to put it mildly. That’s precisely what you’ve done by leaving you husband. Much to your son’s detriment.

This your post is not clear.

This, your DS will probably not forgive you if you keep the baby. You need to think carefully, it's a mess.

"You made your bed....."

In response to the poster saying it prob won’t work out, per my last message:

Ultimately, no one knows how it will work out, and there is so much in our control, but I know how I prefer to live. You can find solutions, or look for problems. And, navigating tricky situations is part and parcel of life.

The best thing she can do as a parent is be open and honest, and be there for her DC. Share her honest feelings, tell them her love for them won’t change.

An unhappy mother won’t be good for the dc.

Catch up. 🙄

You haven’t ruined lives (that is dramatic), and yes you’re spiralling! Go outside, go for a walk, speak to someone - get yourself out of your head.

Your relationship with your ExH is over, you’re not getting back with them for the sake of your dc.

ND, myself and I agree with the other poster saying that ND kids need to learn to manage their emotions too.

Have you an abortion previously, and would you really be okay with this decision? No need to answer. I had one when I was younger, not really wanting to because of the “situation” & it was traumatic. I’m still pro-choice, but sharing my experience, because not enough women talk about the regret of having a termination. If you don’t want one, and go through with it, I can guarantee you will feel 1M times worse about yourself.