To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

But did you want another baby? Would you have had one if it hadn't happened accidentally?

Hey op

hope you are ok. I’m hearing a lot of self blame in your situation- blaming yourself for your marriage not working out and the separation. And it also seems like you feel guilty for being pregnant.

you have not done anything wrong. You split up and started a new relationship. Yes you are a mum first, but you don’t need to be a martyr either. You were and are entitled to see someone else.

I had an abortion because I didn’t want to let people down and it was the wrong reason for me personally to have one.

please think of yourself a bit too. Life on mumsnet can be really black and white for some people but is a lot messier in reality- so take what you read with caution.

just putting another side out there.

I think this is very sensible and also think you should put your twins first - you say your son will struggle?

Also I know 41 isn't that old these days to have a baby BUT only having a ten year old while youre going through the menopause is ten years (or less!) could be hell.

I had my second in my late 30s which was fine. Fast forward 12 years, it's very very hard. So also bear that in mind.

Out of interest what makes you say this? It seems to me 10-12 is a pretty easy age?

OP, you've not done anything wrong.

You've been separated from your ex, been with a new man for a year. You've taken it slowly, not introduced him or moved him in.

It's your exH. He's the one laying on the guilt trips with your DS about how the break up is your fault and he wants to come home. He is the one feeding him hope rather than allowing him to move on. He is involving children in adult business and it's actually parental alienation trying to get him to blame you. Trying to use him to manipulate you to get what he wants. The fact your daughter is happier without him should tell you something.

First of all get yourself a shiny backbone and tell your exH that you are 100% done. You will never be getting back together, and his behaviour is hurting his child and needs to stop. You say you miss him because your DS is heartbroken, but have you considered how upset your daughter would be if you moved him back in? The confusion for both kids of the on again off again? Because if you abort this baby you will resent him because he's a large part of the reason you've done it. The fact you haven't aborted yet shows you don't want to.

Get your son into therapy/counselling ASAP.

Then you need to decide on this baby separately. Are to aborting because you feel like you should be punished because your ex has convinced you that you've done something wrong? That you've made a mess so you don't deserve something that makes you happy? New man is supportive, you could make this work if it is what you want, but won't be easy. If you want to abort then do, that's 100% your choice. But don't feel coerced into doing it.

The baby and the men are to some extent different issues. If the baby and your existing children are your priority that’s ok with me. I would be thinking of it as being a single parent though. Not a placeholder for a happy new life in 3 years with roses around the door. If that happens great. Bonus. But I wouldn’t be banking on it. You will have to work hard on your relationship with your son and expect some backlash. But I wouldn’t give up a wanted baby if it seemed likely to be my last chance.

I also think your children may surprise you with their reactions. It feels like you’re terminating to please everyone else when earlier posts you seemed happy about the baby. In 5 years what choice do you think you will be happiest with? Mum to a 4yr old as well as your twins or focused solely on the twins as they navigate teen years and get hopefully more independence.
Seperate this baby from your ex situation as there’s no going back there anyway. Let go of the guilt around the divorce.

I also think your children may surprise you with their reactions. It feels like you’re terminating to please everyone else when earlier posts you seemed happy about the baby. In 5 years what choice do you think you will be happiest with? Mum to a 4yr old as well as your twins or focused solely on the twins as they navigate teen years and get hopefully more independence.
Seperate this baby from your ex situation as there’s no going back there anyway. Let go of the guilt around the divorce.

Have the baby if you want the baby.

Your existing child doesn’t get to decide that for you. Yes, you should consider the children you already have, whether you’ll be able to care for them etc. But that’s not the same as letting their anger about a divorce dictate that you’re not allowed to move forward with your life, not allowed a new relationship or another child (though I would be very very cautious about moving a new man into their home).

Your son needs help with his anger and coming to terms with the new situation. He needs help understanding his feelings, leaving them unchallenged doesn’t help him in the long run. Something difficult has happened in his life, at the moment he’s learning that anger and resentment towards you is an appropriate response to that. No blame on him, he’s a child and divorce is hard, but he needs support to work things through in his mind and find a healthier perspective and acceptance to move forward.

Your ex needs to STOP blaming you and especially stop saying that to a child. I cannot stress enough how wrong it is to speak badly to a child about their parent. Your ex needs to make more effort with your daughter, although since they both seem fairly okay with the current low key relationship that can happen slowly.

You split with exh for a reason and it wasn’t a quick decision. Back and forth won’t help any of you. What will probably help you more is leaning into friendships and family relationships. You said you’ve been depressed and cut people off, try reaching out instead. Getting out the house, a couple of hours with a friend just getting a coffee or something can really make a difference. And friends will help you to recognise that you don’t need a man in order to have some community. When you’re very lonely it’s understandable that you cling to romantic relationships even if they’re not right.

Whether you continue with new man is a different question, and it surely leaves him in a tricky situation since it’s fair that he doesn’t want to move his daughter just now (although he could move between GCSEs and a levels, it’s not actually such a terrible thing to do, it’s understandable if he prefers not). From what you’ve shared, probably cautiously continuing, not too much pressure to move together and be a “normal” family, accepting it’s a little bit complicated is the best option.

I wouldn't go through with it.
Son worries he is being replaced and his mum and dad are not getting back together.

Since new dad can't move in for a few years, that means the 13yo kids will have to help you with the baby. Whilst trying to study for important gcses, they have a screaming toddler to listen to.

Do you have enough room?

Sorry didn't realise this was an old post, just seen update.
Thinking of you for your appointment

You need to prioritise the children you already have.

OP, all you have done here is fall out of love with your ex husband. His behaviour in constantly telling your son he wants to come back is not ok, and is hurting your son. You’re allowed to move on. Your son would adapt, teens do. Hell my ex moved a woman and her 15yr old boy into a home his 15yr old daughter lived half the time and she had met them once. She still loves her dad, but doesn’t go round there (and it’s all gone tits up as I predicted). I fear you are going to regret the decision to abort, though I can see how difficult it will be. But nothing is insurmountable. Take care OP.

I agree.

Your new man is talking about moving to your area but you haven't been with him that long, do you want to set up house with someone new so soon after ending your marriage?

You still have feelings for your ex, they need exploring.

Take it slowly. I doubt you want another child, frankly, and you don't hsve to have one.

I’m so sorry, @MaddieInAmess
You’re going through the darkest hour right now. Everything will resolve. Sending strength x

It seems like the baby isn’t the real issue here - it’s a fundamental decision as to whether you want to move forward with your life, or turn back. If you were to proceed with the pregnancy then your old life is over and to date you’ve done everything to keep your options open (not disclosing new partner, crying on ex’s shoulder). You say you are doing everything for the children, but what do you actually want? You only get one life and in 10 years time when the children are out of the house and have their own lives, will you be happy living in an empty nest with your ex?

And her own wellbeing!

All children need stability and security and ND children probably need it the most of all.

As a retired psychotherapist who worked extensively with teens and young adults I know how damaging it can be for them when parents split up and later reunite. They experience the trauma of the split and then as they come to terms with the new reality things are suddenly back as they were - but they can never fully trust the situation. They will always be (consciously or unconsciously) wondering if and when they will split up again.

And you probably will split up again, the marriage broke down for a reason and all those reasons are probably still there.

IDK what you will or should do do with the pregnancy but I do know that you should not reunite with your ex because you feel guilty about him or your son's unhappiness. In the long term, re-entering an unhappy marriage won't be good for anyone.

I think you’re making the right decision, even if it won’t necessarily feel like it. Your rather rocky relationships with both children, in different ways would not be helped by finding out they have a baby sibling on the way. Stability is what kids need and that would be the total opposite.

im so sorry you’re in this mess op, but well done on putting their needs above yours. Handhold for Thursday. X

OP you had a pile on with people effectively telling you that you are just a baby machine and what you want in this does not matter a bit compared to their idea of how your children will react.

YOU matter. The potential new life in you matters.

Yes you need to consider the impact on your children but this is YOUR life and YOUR choice. You run the risk of harming your relationship with your existing children but you gain a relationship with another child. You can keep the child of the man you now say you love if you can manage that.

Children grow up and go their own way and your relationship with them will change whatever you do. If you want to keep the child dont be bullied by people on the internet.

I believe in the right to choose and that also means the right to choose to keep a wanted child.

What a terribly difficult situation to be in, but practically speaking you are going to end up as a single mother in your 40s with no help at all, with twin teens that have special needs.

Your children have been through a lot, and haven’t managed the changes as well as you hoped, so prioritising stability for them seems like the right thing to do.

Op this isn’t your fault, accidents happen, and can happen to anyone. Try to approach this situation as you would if was your dd, with comfort, kindness and self compassion. Talk it through with a counsellor. Going forward I would go into therapy, in the longer term, to discover what you want from your future.

Has no one read the update?😶

She’s already said very clearly that she wants to keep the baby.