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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

487 replies

MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 17:00

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

OP posts:
Braygirlnow · 10/05/2025 02:02

Please don't tell either man untill you have made your decision, they will have there own take which will just complicate things even more..it might be too much for exh to take on another man's child so he may push for abortion, bf may be over the moon and want to jump into living together when you or kids arnt ready, I think you need to decide which if any man you want and if you want to keep baby or not and if the two decisions can tally. Goodluck.

HoppingPavlova · 10/05/2025 03:58

I think you need to think quite laterally here. You are trying to shoehorn this into your current situation. It’s not going to work but there are other ways it could work but just accepting there will be no ‘idea’ but just as the current situation, a possible baby aside, is not ideal but everyone is dealing with it.

Introducing a baby in this current situation, essentially putting it in the kids faces and forcing a man into their lives with no choice, has the potential to derail relationships forever. However, is there a scenario where the kids are able to live with dad (exDH) full time and then visit you as and when they feel comfortable with the situation, so it’s not being forced on them but on their own terms? That has the potential, while rocky at first, to end up keeping solid relationships with them. Has a financial settlement been done, could the ex-DH have the house with the kids for now (not forever obviously, just delaying the financial stuff until youngest moves out and the home can then be sold and split for example)?

That would mean OP could have a small place, where the current kids are welcome but not forced to be, and the baby could happily share bedroom with the OP for the first few years. Then, if the relationship with the other man is still going well at that point, either he could look to move in if his kids are also then at the age of being off out of home, or a new place could be found together in whatever location is best all round at that point in time.

There are ways to try and make this work, but it’s going to take out of the box, rather than traditional thinking.

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 08:25

Sleep with your husband and pretend you are having your next DC.

this is what I would do - for everyone’s sake

it doesn’t sound like you really know the new man enough to be having a child together

tripleginandtonic · 10/05/2025 08:33

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 08:25

Sleep with your husband and pretend you are having your next DC.

this is what I would do - for everyone’s sake

it doesn’t sound like you really know the new man enough to be having a child together

That's a horrendous thing to do

Blueskiesandrainbows · 10/05/2025 08:33

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 08:25

Sleep with your husband and pretend you are having your next DC.

this is what I would do - for everyone’s sake

it doesn’t sound like you really know the new man enough to be having a child together

Well it’s too late for that now as the OP has already told the new man about the baby, plus the fact that it would be highly immoral to do that.
We might never know what happens unless the OP comes back.

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 09:16

its a necessary evil.

Cinai2 · 10/05/2025 09:22

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 08:25

Sleep with your husband and pretend you are having your next DC.

this is what I would do - for everyone’s sake

it doesn’t sound like you really know the new man enough to be having a child together

That’s might be a bit…morally questionable?

Thisiswhathings · 10/05/2025 09:26

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 08:25

Sleep with your husband and pretend you are having your next DC.

this is what I would do - for everyone’s sake

it doesn’t sound like you really know the new man enough to be having a child together

Brilliant idea , until the child finds out due until they do a family ancestry DNA test or some sort of medical issue comes up.

dementedmummy · 10/05/2025 09:54

GiveDogBone · 09/05/2025 22:40

“I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.”

i think you (both) need to prioritise your DS. He is at an incredibly vulnerable time of his life and sounds like he is really struggling. He clearly wants, quite understandably, to live with his father, and you need to figure out a way to make that happen. if you’re “100% sure he would move out” if you brought a new man where exactly would he go? The streets?

P.S. Your comment about not being able to cope with the guilt of breaking up your family rings a bit hollow to put it mildly. That’s precisely what you’ve done by leaving you husband. Much to your son’s detriment.

Show quote history

Did you mean to be so judgemental with your last paragraph? There is no requirement for op to stay in an unhappy marriage- children or not. Doesn't mean she isn't allowed to feel guilty because her son is missing his dad. Woman are always being made to feel that they should come last in the list of priorities- it shouldn't be the case. Op does need to step up and work out what she wants so there are strict relationship boundaries that her children can work within.

GiveDogBone · 10/05/2025 09:58

dementedmummy · 10/05/2025 09:54

Did you mean to be so judgemental with your last paragraph? There is no requirement for op to stay in an unhappy marriage- children or not. Doesn't mean she isn't allowed to feel guilty because her son is missing his dad. Woman are always being made to feel that they should come last in the list of priorities- it shouldn't be the case. Op does need to step up and work out what she wants so there are strict relationship boundaries that her children can work within.

Show quote history

I was judging her comment not her behaviour. She’s perfectly entitled to leave her partner. Just not to then claim she’s unwilling to break up the family. She clearly is. Whether that was the right or wrong decision is something different.

Vitrolinsanity · 10/05/2025 10:02

I think that having a new baby when your existing children are unhappy would be a grave mistake.

Hopelesscase32 · 10/05/2025 10:05

In all kindness this pregnancy will have such an awful effect on your ds who is already really struggling

Hopelesscase32 · 10/05/2025 10:19

You really need to put your sons feelings first. You say you miss your ex husband but apparently in love with the other guy. You've given your ex false hope that you want him back and now you want to bring a baby into this shit show?

FunMustard · 10/05/2025 12:07

"A woman's right to choose" doesn't mean she shouldn't consider the other people who will be impacted by her choice.

I am not surprised but I am disgusted by those people advocating just having the baby because she wants it. Life is rarely as simple as that. There is nuance and other factors hence why OP came here for support.

The choice in the end is hers and hers alone but only a child says "it'll all work out just go for it".

reesespieces123 · 10/05/2025 17:41

FunMustard · 10/05/2025 12:07

"A woman's right to choose" doesn't mean she shouldn't consider the other people who will be impacted by her choice.

I am not surprised but I am disgusted by those people advocating just having the baby because she wants it. Life is rarely as simple as that. There is nuance and other factors hence why OP came here for support.

The choice in the end is hers and hers alone but only a child says "it'll all work out just go for it".

This. Exactly this.

UndermyShoeJoe · 10/05/2025 18:03

If you genuinely think your Ds will leave then having a new baby means you pick the new possible over an existing Child…

and I’ll await the songs of you can’t let your children run your life blah blah blah. Indeed but if you force something on them you know they will have you don’t get to be shocked by their reactions

Silvertulips · 10/05/2025 18:38

Indeed but if you force something on them you know they will have you don’t get to be shocked by their reactions

Maybe we were raised differently, our family has always welcomed new babies, in what ever circumstances they arrive, we have half siblings, step children, random assortment of aunts uncles cousins, not once has anyone not budged over and made room.

I think if OPs son chooses to leave, he chooses to leave, who’s to say he’s not going to join the circus, get married or work away? You can’t base your life on other peoples reactions.

Your kids may surprise you.

Redburnett · 10/05/2025 18:39

Existing children should always come first.

Silvertulips · 10/05/2025 20:18

Existing children should always come first

Wed only ever have one each on that case.

FunMustard · 10/05/2025 20:22

Silvertulips · 10/05/2025 20:18

Existing children should always come first

Wed only ever have one each on that case.

How so?

That doesn't mean "your existing child gets to make the decision for you" you know. It means "don't put your desire for a baby above everything else, including your existing children" amongst other things.

I think if OPs son chooses to leave, he chooses to leave, who’s to say he’s not going to join the circus, get married or work away? You can’t base your life on other peoples reactions

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Leaving for work or uni or whatever isn't what that means. It means, OP's son leaving to live with his father and not speaking to or having a relationship with his own mother.

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 10/05/2025 22:43

If you don’t want to be pregnant there are pills can be prescribed in early pregnancy.by a gynae clinic or doc,ask your gp for referral) If this isn’t an option for you then stay clear of both men for as long as you can and think what YOU want. Whatever you decide I wish you well and the best of luck going forward.

Mathsbabe · 10/05/2025 23:17

I had two children in 15 months when I was 39.5 and nearly 41. It was fine. I feel very strongly that a decision about a pregnancy is for the mother to make. The OP says that she wants to keep the baby. We should respect that.

Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2025 01:17

@MaddieInAmess

How are you doing?

I hope all is OK.

You have not ruined lives at all. You deserve to be happy.

BeNavyCrab · 11/05/2025 02:09

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 08:25

Sleep with your husband and pretend you are having your next DC.

this is what I would do - for everyone’s sake

it doesn’t sound like you really know the new man enough to be having a child together

Wow what bad advice!! It's one thing to not be sure who the father is, if OP had slept with both men. She didn't. To suggest she now sleeps with her ex, expressly so she can trick him into thinking it's his child is messed up and so wrong.

Ignoring the obvious emotional manipulation and deceit, what happens when the real father wants to be involved in the baby's life? Doesn't the child deserve to know it's parents and not a lie? What would happen if the OP and her ex decided to split again, does she "come clean" to the real father because it might be "better for her"?

It might be a difficult situation and one she wasn't expecting to happen but lying, tricking and manipulation isn't going to solve it!!

andfinallyhereweare · 11/05/2025 04:02

@MaddieInAmess how do you know you have ruined lives? Your children may really thrive having another baby around, you’re trying your best and you deserve a life and happiness also!