Are our friends being cheeky?

[sparkling1986]

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

How old are you that your parents are still bringing you up?

From the OPs second post " I feel awkward in front of the DD as she’s a stranger and I am still at the stage where I get very emotional talking about it. on reflection if I get upset though so what. I think the request just put me on the back foot as wasn’t expecting it. There’s been a few comments about how we’ve dined with the DD previously but that wasn’t our choice - she was there when we arrived to our friends home."

OP didn't know the DD was going to be there but she wasn't going to storm out of a friend's house because their DD was there, that would be bizarre.
If I go over to a friend's house I would expect to see their relatives there potentially, but I wouldn't then assume they would tag along to a dinner at my house. I don't think OP needs to tread carefully she just needs to say no politely to let them know she is happy to rearrange for a time when friends aren't hosting DD

I do think she needs to tread carefully, because these people clearly don't have an understanding of why it's not ok to just assume their dd tags along to everything, and are quite likely to be at least a bit offended if confronted by their lack of tact.

TBH I am such an introvert I would find it just as difficult as the OP has and would have them downgraded to 'people I'm polite to but don't do dinners with' by now

we can rearrange for when your DD isn’t staying with you

that should be clear and to the point

They clearly don’t go out much if they think this is ok to invite DD

Surely a message to say 'no worries if you're busy this weekend with your daughter, let me know when you and dh are free to catch up some other time' is both polite and saying no to the daughter without drama and if they get offended that's their problem

It's surely better than just downgrading your friends to people who you are polite to but won't have dinners with . OP doesn't have to message her friends to say I don't particularly like or know your daughter, so it's a no.' or forcing yourself to have the company of a stranger when you're in need of some support

I think the OP should just file this under 'people can be a bit weird at times' and tread carefully
Why should the OP 'tread carefully' and acquiesce to the CF who don't seem to think that they should be.polite and 'tread carefully?'
Are all those who think op should accept the friend's rudeness, are you either the CF who think others should do as you want, or walkovers who'll do what others tell you?

Well if myself or my brother happen to drop in and we don't know my parents have their friends over, they look really annoyed and will say things like oh I thought it would just be us. Because I know they are like that I don't visit when I know they are there, but my brother who is slower to take the hint, will not just automatically leave early when he sees my parents with the visitors who are quite possessive of their time. Usually the female of the couple will then phone my Mum a day after their visit to express disappointment that the "family" dropped in when they were there.

OP didn't moan that the DD was at their house when she went over to visit, she just doesn't want the daughter invited over to her house. If your parents aren't inviting you to their friends houses, it's very different scenarios

I agree... I think an excuse about extra numbers would be quite offensive and come across as you not liking the DD. From their point of view.. they've hosted several times and you've all got on OK.
I think that if their DD has said she's visiting, they probably feel awkward leaving her at home alone whilst they go out to see the friend she's had dinner with at theirs several times, and so if you said no - they'd cancel anyway.

As she only visits at weekends, try inviting them during the weekdays.

Agree. I’d rearrange for a different day.

They are probably composing an AIBU between themselves that goes "Should this woman have invited our DD when she knew she would just sit in our house alone otherwise?"

If so, they would BVU. It's a 40yo woman in a house, not a baby in a hot car. Aside from the dramatic suicide-watch scenarios - in which case they should all stay home - there's no reason the DD can't cope alone in her parents' house. And no reason why her parents' friends would invite the DD (effectively a stranger as described by the OP) to a dinner involving personal conversations.

WTF ???????

WTF indeed.

Hey everyone! Let's use this thread as yet another excuse to attack childfree people!

Give me strength.

Your not being unreasonable at all. Unfortunately sometimes adults may not have their own social lives due to circumstances but that doesn't mean that the parents have to include them in everything. My 40 year old brother doesn't have many friends and see his dad as his best friend, and my dad's friendship group have seen my brother grow up and happy to socialise with him but my dad also makes sure they have times where my brother isn't around as it does change the dynamics of a group as has been very clear that their annual lads holiday will not include him as that is for him and his friends. Your friends need to be more firm with their DD, maybe the DD is coming round for company but no reason she can't spend the weekend round at their house but spend the sat evening home alone watching telly etc. Doesn't mean she has to do everything the parents are doing. The parents need to say yes DD your welcome here for the weekend but we are out sat night so youll have to sort yourself out then.

Its not an unplanned 6th person

I’d suck it up tbh as you could cause offence or upset and the friendship may not be the same afterwards
I must add though I’d not be particularly happy either

What do you mean?

🤣are you for real?

4 late teen/ adult children here.
Not a chance I would pull this stunt nor stand for it being pulled on me.

Hosting is work and effort and I do it very well.

I expect to sit down after all that effort and kick back with friends and enjoy the gorgeous meal I will have prepared, enjoying great conversation and wine......not accommodating add ons that weren't invited 🙄.

Thanks be to fxxk my circle know better too.

This has nothing to do with being child free couples and more to do with basic cop on/ manners.

You can't have the same kind of conversations with people if their dc are there, even if they're 40. It's no fun having someone tag along whom you may have nothing in common with. Small dc run off and play. But to have an adult dc sat there the whole time would be a PITA.

I would find it peculiar and presumptuous

Yes, I know all of this, as does the OP's friend. Yhe fact that they know it is a breach of etiquette and have asked anyway implies that there is something going on with the daughter, so the kind thing to do would be to support them and not make a big deal of it.

I don't think OP needs to 'be kind' it's fine for OP to have these boundaries. She has her own stuff going on, she doesn't need to prioritise a friend's daughter over herself. The parents can stay at home with their daughter if they wish, but OP doesn't owe it to anyone to make herself uncomfortable to include someone she doesn't even know.

This, all the 'oh op had to think of the dd and her needs, and that if she wants to stay friends with them the has to 'watch how she treads' is batshit crazy!