Are our friends being cheeky?

[sparkling1986]

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

Tricky one @sparkling1986 , you message back,
'I didn't realise dd would be with you on that date. My apologies.
I am looking at our calendar and wonder if you and 'Fred' would be free on evening of xx/zz or maybe qq/yy instead?'

Set up some dates not falling on the weekend.
The dd being there completely changes the whole evening. You are not wrong for not embracing it.

Interesting the different motive assumptions, I thought it more likely she's suicidal and that's why they don't want to leave her.

Exactly and if they did take offence to the suggestion that there will be times OP will want to spend time with them without DD tagging along, then that's their problem. I think I'd rather lose a friendship that be forced to spend time with my friends DD every single time we socialised.
If a friend invited me somewhere and I invited my sister ever single time, I would expect them to drop me as a friend or reduce meet ups dramatically. Just because I like spending time with my sister or she was going through a hard time, does not mean they have automatically become my friends friend. If they came over for lunch and my sister happened to be there, they would of course be polite and not kick up a fuss.
I think if OP replaced the word DD with DH or DB or DS the OP would probably be getting less advise to let them into every social interaction and worry about how they feel etc

Yes. But it's already not a one to one which is probably what they are thinking.

I'm not saying they aren't in the wrong, just that the OP should probably weigh up the value of the friendship first.

I wouldn't open up in front of the husband of a friend I've not seen for six months I don't think. I'd go for a walk/coffee with my friend if I want that kind of chat. I'd see a couples dinner party as more general chit chat.

There must be something at play because this is so odd and if they were friends I'd try and support that.

I think the suggestions to ask if there's something wrong and sound out the situation are wise..

This.
It would be rude to do it if you were meeting in a restaurant, but to just assume it will be ok to add someone on to a invitation to someone's home, is really not acceptable at all.

Even if the OP messaged her friends and asked what was going on with DD and they said they didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone because she was suicidal, does that mean OP now needs to ignore her own need for support and now invite the DD? If it's just because the DD likes OP, does that mean she should be invited around? How is she meant to decline once she has the reason they want DD to attend?
OP doesn't need to know what's going on with the DD, if her friends wanted to share that info, they could've by now. OP doesn't need to be guilty tripped into inviting her over regardless of whether there is something going on with the DD or not
She can offer friends an option to not come over if they would like to spend time with their DD but she doesn't need to have DD over. The friends can then make a decision whether they would like to come over alone or whether their DD needs support at home.

"as you know, it's been a really difficult and emotional six months for me. This is the first social get together that I've felt confident enough to host in that time, so if you don't mind I'd rather keep it to my close friends"

Can you say this to your friend? That you want to talk freely about the bereavement and it would be hard for you and unfair to DD to do this given you don’t know each other that well?

If she's suicidal, the friends will have better things to do than fall out with OP over a nice declining message like some of those suggested here. She'll also understand that OP's need to talk about her own problems won't be apt for her DD. But I think the suicidal scenario is probably extreme. More likely they're just like some 'more the merrier' posters here and haven't really thought it through.

I'm much more in the camp "the more the merrier" I recently hosted some friends, it was meant to be 3 of them turns out it was five (2 relatives visiting). We had a great time ...I got on so well with them and we had a fantastic evening.

What is with these co dependant relationships! There was a thread not too long ago about a friend who continually brought her 10 year old daughter along to catch ups. That’s bad enough but you’d think by age 40 it’s definitely time to cut the umbilical cord! 🙈

Were you going through a tough time and hoping to get support from your friends regarding a recent bereavement because you may have felt differently if that was the case. If you were just having a lovely get together in high spirits then it's easier to think the more the merrier

But (no offense) that is completely irrelevant here because OP doesn't want the extra guest.

It doesn't even matter that she has reasons. Her reason could be that she just doesn't. That would be absolutely valid.

It's quite frustrating to see so many people say they love having lots of uninvited people! Because it's not addressing OP's situation at all.

Perfect !

I gave it some thought but I disagree!

But I'm imagining them as a very loving family, maybe being there for their daughter, wanting to include her for whatever reason. Trusting the OP that the friendship is the sort where they can do that. Once the OP says no, that's a spanner in the works of the friendship.

But who knows, maybe they're just thoughtless and it doesn't matter? Hard to say on an online forum.

I suspect DD would be mortified and knows nothing about this and would probably prefer to be left out. It's the parents that are fussing. I know some parents of that age group who cancel all plans when their adult child is around, in case they are 'needed' and would also insist the dd / ds comes along to anything. The type who regress around adult kids and will start telling them to wear a coat etc.

There are some good suggestions here. I think saying you will reschedule to a time when it's just them is a good idea but if you don't want to you might have to suck it up for now but ask if everything is OK with DD and say next time it will just be the 4 of us.

I think that is cheeky and to say 'daughter will be coming' rather than 'can my daughter come?' is really rude. It is hard enough to say no when a guest asks if they can bring someone else but to say you will be bringing someone or just turning up with someone without requested permission for is even harder to refuse. You could try saying, she wouldn't enjoy it or you don't have enough space/food but that could backfire and you'll lose of the friends.

If the OP isn't in a friendship where she can say politely to friends that they can't just invite random family members to her house when she needs her own support without the friends cutting ties, then it's the friends who have problems not OP.
The friends can be there for whoever they want, it doesn't mean OP bears that responsibility by extension. What if the friends wanted the invite all their children and extended family because OP has met them over the years, would OP just have to suck it up?

Except the daughter's been around at previous dinners, so they might have assumed the OP sees them as a trio. No need to dramatise things with talk of the whole extended family

That is the most spot on reply 👏

No dramatising things, she has met the daughter a couple of times whilst she was at the friend's house, she is as OP describes a stranger. She hasn't been inviting the daughter out anywhere previously. They are not a trio, the friends are invited, the DD is just her friends DD. I know my friends family's pretty well, they would never assume they could invite over family members to my house.

If she let them bring DD, it does open things up, it would them be assumed OP is happy for DD to tag along to whatever. The friends may have other children, if they think OP loves spending time with their DD, maybe next time DS should tag along too as its unfair to exclude him and she loves DD clearly, so she'd probably love him too.

The DD is in her 40s, if the parents are so worried, they can stay at home with DD. If there's nothing to worry about they should accept OPs wishes that she only wants her friends at her house. Her friends and her friends DD are separate people and OP doesn't seem them as a packaged deal for friendship and this should be respected

Sounds like there's maybe something going on with the dd. It's a bit strange for a grown adult to want to tag along with her parents friends.

I'd just reply and say shall we arrange something at a more convenient time.

"The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)
For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends." From the OP

It's not like they dropped in for 5 mins and the daughter happened to be there. I imagine the couple think that since their dd is there a lot and has socialised with the OP before, it's fine to suggest she comes to dinner. I'm not agreeing that it's right - it's not something I would do - but in context it's not exactly unexpected. The woman is often there at weekends. The parents have been invited and perhaps think the OP should reasonably expect her to know that their daughter will be around.

They are probably composing an AIBU between themselves that goes "Should this woman have invited our DD when she knew she would just sit in our house alone otherwise?"

I think the OP should just file this under 'people can be a bit weird at times' and tread carefully, unless she thinks the couple are being insensitive to her needs, to which I'd say, they probably aren't thinking of her needs at all, they just don't want to leave their dd on her own and think the OP knows her better than the OP feels she does.

My parents have friends like this. Never had a family and get annoyed when people other than my parents are around. I have never tagged along to one of their lunch dates in their house though, but they make it clear they only want my parents on their own in their house. Their Attitude is perhaps caused by selfishness, not quite fully understanding what bringing up a family entails and that families can't just be ditched to accommodate childfree couples.

What???

"Childfree" isn't really relevant when the daughter in question is FORTY is it??