It’s a LOTR one. I feel so upset over my DHs comment about elves.

[UnhappyHobbit]

Name change for this one as it’s slightly outing.

My DH is a huge lord of the rings fan. When my DH and I first got together, he used to “lovingly” joke that I was his hobbit. I’m only 5’3” and I do dress quite quirky so I took it as a compliment. It soon became a bit of a pet name for me and as he’s short too, I likened him to a dwarf.

Over the weekend, We were at one of his friend’s house and he has a relatively new girlfriend. Their kitchen /lounge is slightly open plan so I could hear slightly the conversation my DH was having with his friends. All of his friends are lotr fans and this new gf in the group is very tall. DHs friend was bragging that he had finally managed to pull an elf. My DH exclaimed that it was every man’s dream to pull an elf… One of DHs friends said I thought it was your dream to pull a hobbit, my pet name is known to his friends. DH said he wouldn’t touch a hobbit with those big and hairy feet.

I felt so defeated over this. He has called me a hobbit for years, affectionately so I thought.

I approached him about this after the party and he said that the whole hobbit thing was him teasing me because I’m short. He didn’t want to bring this up as, in his words “I made hobbit my whole personality”. We argued and I said, why is he with me if his dream is someone very tall and well the opposite to me.!? We haven’t spoken since and I’m wondering if I’m over reacting.

Aibu for being devastated and embarrassed by this?

Silly LOTR chat or small talk about mortgage rates, mother in laws, the footy, which kid is beating the shit out of yours, DIY, who has the most efficient solar panels, the latest episode of celebrity get me out of here...

Why are people so snobby about certain topics? Because they are 'childish'?

There are much fuller things to talk about.

Preciousssssss

I'd probably step away from the whole thing. No watching it or entertaing mates going on about it.
He should have apologised instantly. He takes you for granted, I think.

I wouldn't talk to him either. You aren't one of his mates. Wait for him to apologise.

Change his nickname to fuckwit.

as you are showing!

they didn't just randomly bring up hypothetical hobbits and elves out of nowhere, like they were playing 'would you rather?'

the conversation started because they were talking about the new GF (i.e. a real person) and they compared her to an elf because of her physical attributes. They were saying it was every man's dream to have a girlfriend with those physical attributes. Then the friend asked the DH didn't he prefer hobbits because he knew that was the DH's nickname for OP, you know, another real person. That was the whole reason for bringing hobbits into it, to ask the DH, 'Hang on what about your wife?' Otherwise he could have just said 'haha yeah right you'd be lucky to pull an (orc/a dunlending/literally any other creature in LOTR) let alone an elf,' or something.

replace elf with supermodel or cheerleader or something if your imagination is so lacking that the LOTR aspect is impacting your reading ability.

“DH said he wouldn’t touch a hobbit with those big and hairy feet”

OP, I think when he said this he was envisioning an ACTUAL Hobbit, but when he calls YOU Hobbit it is more of a nick name.

For example, imagine my DH calls me Chicken as an affectionate name and then I hear him having a discussion with friends about Chicken Run and says ‘I wouldn’t shag a chicken with those horrible scaly feet’ . Obviously he doesn’t mean me at that moment, he means a real chicken.

(Disclaimer: my DH does not call me Chicken. Or discuss shagging chickens. )

Yep he’s a beastly golem

Yes, Because they are 'childish‘, they are fictional characters

The writers of The Big Bang Theory will so nick this as a story line.

Even if this is how the conversation went, or what the actual nuances were, which I doubt (this is OP's interpretation of it), so what?

The point I and others are making is that it doesn't matter if people fantasise about people / creatures who look wildly different from how their partners look.

So it's much better to talk about the fantasy of your team winning the match this weekend? Or signing X star player?

Or winning the lottery and what you might do with the money?

And it's soooo much better than talking about the latest hit TV show - if it's a drama, that's not real. If it's reality TV, that's not real either.

We should all be ultra serious and stern and talk about the news. All the time. In a very earnest way.

(Fucking hell I'm a news and politics nerd, and fucking hell I also like talking about all kinds of utter bollocks cos I don't have a stick up my arse).

I'm half worried in case OP spent the rest of her evening smashing up her hand-painted hobbit mugs and tearing their limited-edition LOTR prints from the walls.

And I half think it'd be a good idea, not to mention cathartic ... as long as she also smashes up The Dwarf's most prized theme-related artefacts.

The OP likened herself to a hobbit from LOTR, collects hobbits, paints hobbits, has a partner who is into LOTR and all friends seem to be into LOTR, hasn’t spoken to her partner in 2-3 days as they had a falling out that involved LOTR characters,

All a bit silly

Why is it sillier than falling out over any other subject? It could be a disagreement over football. Would people judge in quite the same way? No. Because this is about social status and snobbery. Certain subjects are associated with lesser social standing in the pecking order. Nerd things are looked down on in a certain way by certain social groups.

It's always fascinating to watch play out in action.

I sort of agree with this, OP! Clearly your DH and his friends are LotR mega fans to be chatting like this and, unless there are other issues with your relationship, I wouldn’t read loads in to it at all. Everyone has their own random fantasies don’t they; could be an elf, it could be Michael Fassbender side eyes own DH who couldn’t look less like him if he tried - it doesn’t mean we love our own partners any less. However I do understand you’re feeling upset by what you overheard and his reaction isn’t brilliant - is your relationship usually a good one?

You are honestly restoring my faith in humanity. It’s concerning how many people have completely missed the point!

Now, I know little about LOTR. I do know that elves are like the ultimate beauty, etc.

It’s blatantly obvious that this actually has nothing to do with LOTR but is down to being compared to another woman. Another woman who has been deemed very hot by the males in the group, apparently by your partner too. That is going to cause some pretty sensitive feelings and I can very much understand why you feel upset given his later comments on the character which you are compared to. Essentially, it feels like he is admiring this other woman while disrespecting you.

I think you need to have a calm, mature and confronting conversation about how this has made you feel and elaborate on how the situation came across to you, without dwelling too much on the fact it is his pet name for you. He needs to listen and understand- if he doesn’t than frankly he doesn’t care about your feelings.

Big Bang Theory is real?

Bullseye!

I think this is a generous interpretation of what could have went down, but if it was true then why didn’t OP’s husband just say “omg no when I said I didn’t like hobbits I wasn’t thinking of you at all in that moment, you’re gorgeous and perfect and much better than any elf” - rather than telling her she had made hobbit her whole personality (I do agree with PP that this is an amazing insult but I am still team OP).

I do judge people who fall out over silly things in general, especially things like football
Logical reasonable people don’t fall out over silly things

Hell, yeah! https://www.space.com/25126-big-bang-theory.html Cosmologists everywhere, unite.

What a refreshingly down to earth attitude.

Id say my DHs requirements for me are…
ok looking
rustles up an ok dinner (don’t flip out MN he does rustle things up too)
get on ok
willing to have sex with him

Ive never felt he’d prefer someone more beautiful, but if he did it’s tough as he got me.

I haven't missed the point at all. The point is that OP is doing the pick-me dance with a fictional character, and asking her partner unanswerable questions like "if you like elves so much, why are you with me?".

As Admiral Ackbar would say, "it's a trap!"

She needs to get a grip and realise that there's a big difference between who we fantasise about pulling (which is all these men were talking about), and who we marry.

I really can't get the whole horror at being compared.

I'm teeny tiny. I'm not traditionally beautiful viking maiden type. I get that's what many men aspire to. Do I feel insecure when men lust over them? Do I feel insecure when DH makes a comment about a classically attractive woman. No. Cos I know I'm not that and I also know whilst DH might say all this shit ultimately he's with me and I'm not a fantasy. Nor am I particularly bothered if he says I'm the exact opposite. Cos again he's still with me and goes home with me at the end of the night. Why be jealous of all the women I'm not and can never be?

I'm secure enough in the relationship not to be remotely bothered.

Especially as the OP actually has a pet name which is affection and can be used in an insulting way but also as a real compliment too. I'd rather BE a hobbit rather than LOOK LIKE an elf if that makes sense.

for those who think it’s nothing

you are blond and blue eyed, you’re at a party and overhear your husband say he’s always loved brown hair brown eyed girls, his friend says i thought you loved blond and blue eyed, he says no I can’t stand blond blue eyed girls

then when you mention it to stbex that you heard and it upset you, he makes out it’s your personality and problem

that is why op is upset

its not nothing