To not really like leaving the children with DH?

[blueberryshake]

DH is a loving man and husband who in his way does a lot for us. I’m not looking for either LTBs or accusations of being a martyr here, I’m genuinely just interested in how many other women are in the same position.

We have two children who are four and twenty months. As our second approaches two I’m getting a bit restless and wanting a bit of me time. I know it’s not going to be a lot but as much as I love them I’m literally either at work (three days a week) or have a child with me.

One of the problems is I really don’t like leaving them with DH. He has a tendency to focus on something to the point of obsessiveness, and when he does so everything else sort of ceases to exist so he doesn’t notice them needing something. An example, I had a hairdresser appointment Saturday morning, it was the first one since January, he forgot to give them drinks. Apparently he couldn’t find their water bottles. But both can drink from a cup or he could have bought water bottles with sports caps. He just doesn’t think.

Screen time - I have definitely had days when we’ve gone over the recommended daily amount but back to back peppa pig or complete garbage on YouTube (once found DS watching some absolute gibberish where I’m not even sure it was any language!) with trucks and diggers! He gives them his phone as well which I hate and it has started with me - asking for my phone if we have to wait a few minutes (I say no) but that’s where it’s come from.

The house - I do obviously get young children make a mess but honestly come back to the house looking like every charity shop in town has been ransacked with toys and puzzle pieces hopelessly mixed up and random stuff like Cushions strewn around the house and just crap everywhere.

And he placates them with snacks (another thing I hate) I wouldn’t mind if vaguely healthy but it’s quavers, biscuits, anything that shuts them up.

He is lazy but he parents fine when I’m kind of there to steer the ship. Without me it drifts into an ocean of snacks, screen time, mess and disarray.

That's extremely lazy of him. Have you told him exactly what you've written here? He needs to step up.

Is he doing it on purpose so that you won't leave him with them alone ?

He should, I agree, but the thing is he doesn’t. So I either have to lower my standards (which ends up causing me work in the long term) or I have to just - not leave them!

I honestly don’t think so. I think he’s just very lazy with them.

Something drastically needs to change. How is your relationship and have you done any work on it/yourselves? Without some investment in therapy and parenting resources you are not on the same page and you are on a sinking ship. The ‘in love while parenting’ app is a great place to start - and free.

My DH takes equal load, definitely not as on the ball as me, but almost. Automatically makes kids good food, initiates fun and creative activities, We have an agreement together on how little screen time we want to us and have a pact to never let our small DC know that TV even exists on a phone.

Have you ‘let’ him hold the reins? Or is he unwilling to try? The only way he will get good is way more practice + a conviction to step up and stop being a lazy parent and shit DH.

He's not a good dad is he, he doesn't actively put them first when he is parenting them alone at all does he.

Sorry but he is awful, not abusive but certainly very very far from father of the year, lazy and selfish.

In that case then you've got a choice to make especially if he doesn't see a problem with how he's parenting. Either never leave them with him, which is obviously shitty for you as you'll have zero alone time or just accept that if you want to do something then your kids are going to have a snack filled screen day. If it's not a regular thing then I'm sure it won't hurt them and at least you get your free time. Though really he should listen to you and make an effort to parent properly

These are not your only two options - you need relationship counseling if it feels that way

...he doesn't sound like a very good dad to me

You need to leave them with him
Watching g YouTube in another language or videos on trucks and diggers is hardly adult porn ! Watching g extra hours of video won't kill them
Your dc are able to say " daddy want drink " right ?
Leave them with him more

You know he's not a good parent, hence your gut feeling telling you not to leave your children with him.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about it, without letting him off the hook like you have in your posts.

It's him "forgetting" to give them water now, what if his inattentiveness actually ends up harming them? That's the prospect that's giving you doubt, and you need to pay attention to that.

I'd hit the roof ! Weaponised incompetence at its finest.

That sounds really frustrating.

You shouldn't have to, but could you have a chat the night before about a rough plan for his time with the kids? An activity he could set up easily. Sometimes I feel like my DP doesn't really "see" the activities we have in storage at home. I have to take out a paint set and put it on the table and say, "Maybe you and DD would like to do this together tomorrow?" and he's like "Oh yeah, good shout" and they do it and have a nice time. Sometimes all they need is a nudge and an idea. Pre-empt the challenges. Get him to cover the dining room in paper the night before and leave pots of pens out on it. Suggest he maybe makes them a packed lunch and puts it in the fridge the night before so its ready for when they're hungry and they don't need loads of snacks while he faffs about the next day.

When I leave DD with DP they usually go out - they have developed a lovely thing of going on a walk together with a little bag of sandwiches. I think he finds it easier parenting outside of the house. Or he likes taking her to the garden centre for a look around at the flowers and a scone in the cafe.

He needs to dig deep and develop his own routines with them not just hang around the house.

Weaponized incompetence

If he's so shit, you won't want to let/make him parent.

He's a parent, you're not his parent. Let him rather than save him from it.

Does he do such a poor job in his employment?

Does he forget to give himself a drink?

i cannot STAND men who say things like “I didn’t realise they needed a drink”

it’s not good enough and you need to lay down the law I’m afraid

Have you posted about this before? It feels familiar. Does he get very fixated on his work or on doing garden things or DIY?

So the threads kind of gone how I hoped it wouldn’t to be honest: I’m not really asking for advice on how to deal with it, I’m just wondering if it’s just me.

I don’t think it’s uncommon in my experience although we’re probably at the more extreme end of it. However, we’re quite unusual as nearly everyone we know has just one child; we’re one of only two couples we know who have two and I definitely had more freedom when we only had one (although I didn’t think I did!)

Sounds like weaponised incompetence. My ex was like this. I once had to go out for a day to visit a dying relative and came back to a screaming baby lying on the floor while he stood outside chatting to the neighbours. He’d “forgotten” to feed him. All day. I am certain he did it so I wouldn’t expect it again. You have to sit down with him and talk about this. In my experience it doesn’t get better. Otherwise, like PP has said, you may have to accept that screen time and shit food is what happens so you can have time. It makes me angry even typing that!

What about planning things for him? So planning meals and snacks, making sure everything is as easy as possible i.e chopping fruit up in the fridge, and in sight/reach such as the water bottle. Planning activities/booking something for them to do to reduce screen time and out of the house to reduce mess. It's not ideal but at least you'll be less stressed

It’s not just you. My worry was different though- he was unable to risk assess. He’d stop them doing perfectly ok things, and not realise something else was a serious hazard. And his fear of making a fuss meant I didn’t feel secure he’d respond appropriately in an emergency. So I never went out if they were ill, and spent time preparing or teaching him about hazards.

So you think he's not a good dad so you decided to have another kid? Why?

I bet he made himself a drink?
Just laziness

So he's lazy and negligent when parenting.

Does he function at work like this? Does he not do required tasks because he's focused on something outside his work?

Does he function like this during sex or any other activity he wants to do?

Shit lazy parent who can't be bothered with his kids to the point of possibly dehydrating them. How long did they go without fluids?

At the time of conception (!) DS wasn’t even two and like a lot of very young children was more reliant on me. But it was easier to manage with one. I didn’t realise how much two changed your life until it was too late. I don’t regret it; they won’t always be this little and I really wanted another.

@TipsyMaker i can do this when there’s something I absolutely have to be away for but it means any casual sort of time to myself is just more effort than it’s worth.

@myplace I can identify with that.

You ask if it's just you OP - well it won't just be you. There are lots of bad parents out there unfortunately. And your husband is a bad parent from what you've described. I'd guess a good proportion of relationships like this break down over time.

But is your situation common? Well it's not in my own social circle. And I see lots of very involved dads at swimming lessons, kids parties, in the playground at pick up time, at the park etc.

For me, your husband's lack of parenting would be a major issue - it's harmful for the children and majorly disrespectful to you. I wouldn't tolerate it personally.