To not really like leaving the children with DH?

[blueberryshake]

DH is a loving man and husband who in his way does a lot for us. I’m not looking for either LTBs or accusations of being a martyr here, I’m genuinely just interested in how many other women are in the same position.

We have two children who are four and twenty months. As our second approaches two I’m getting a bit restless and wanting a bit of me time. I know it’s not going to be a lot but as much as I love them I’m literally either at work (three days a week) or have a child with me.

One of the problems is I really don’t like leaving them with DH. He has a tendency to focus on something to the point of obsessiveness, and when he does so everything else sort of ceases to exist so he doesn’t notice them needing something. An example, I had a hairdresser appointment Saturday morning, it was the first one since January, he forgot to give them drinks. Apparently he couldn’t find their water bottles. But both can drink from a cup or he could have bought water bottles with sports caps. He just doesn’t think.

Screen time - I have definitely had days when we’ve gone over the recommended daily amount but back to back peppa pig or complete garbage on YouTube (once found DS watching some absolute gibberish where I’m not even sure it was any language!) with trucks and diggers! He gives them his phone as well which I hate and it has started with me - asking for my phone if we have to wait a few minutes (I say no) but that’s where it’s come from.

The house - I do obviously get young children make a mess but honestly come back to the house looking like every charity shop in town has been ransacked with toys and puzzle pieces hopelessly mixed up and random stuff like Cushions strewn around the house and just crap everywhere.

And he placates them with snacks (another thing I hate) I wouldn’t mind if vaguely healthy but it’s quavers, biscuits, anything that shuts them up.

He is lazy but he parents fine when I’m kind of there to steer the ship. Without me it drifts into an ocean of snacks, screen time, mess and disarray.

So tell us what makes him a good dad?

It’s not just you. Generally the ‘other’ parent parents differently to the primary parent.

They get less practise. It’s an unusual event. It feels like it’s both difficult for the parent and a treat for the child so the easy win stuff comes out. Tv and easy snacks.

But. You get a lot more practise. There are also almost certainly things you do that wouldn’t be his ideal choice but he accepts your approach.

I’ve realised that just because something isn’t my first choice doesn’t mean it’s a disaster. And also, things get better with practise. And he never comes home at the end of a day I’ve had and judges me for how ‘well’ or otherwise I’ve done parenting that day. And I try to extend that attitude to him. (And if either of us has got to
bmbsite levels of tidiness we sort it and anything else out between us).

I absolutely understand where you're coming from.

My DH will watch TV or play xbox while the kids (a bit older than yours) wreck the house around him. He just adds to the mess. He might 'clean' the kitchen. He'll order mcdonalds, say yes to every snack and turn off the screen time limits. They'll only go to bed on time if he's fed up with them or if I'm due back late and he wants the evening to himself.

This is OK for a one of day, if it was the grandparents etc. But he's their parent. I wonder what would become of them if I died.

And nothing that usually gets done will get done. Yes, if I walk in and say 'this needs doing' he'd probably do it. But I'm not his parent and I shouldn't have to tell him. It's like he can't think for himself.

He needs to learn to parent not just be in the same house as the kids.
You might have to train him. 🙄

He didn't give them a drink or check that they even had a drink for 4 hours.

That's not a good dad.

Two words: Weaponised incompetence.

honestly I know how you feel as I have been there before and still am going through it!

unfortunately this isn’t an uncommon situation (you should look at the Facebook page ‘Bridging the Gap’.

What I’ve found is working for me in my relationship is forcing myself to take a step back. Just stop doing so much, then delegating tasks.
we shouldn’t have to do this, shouldn’t have to ask or teach a fully grown man. For me it wasn’t something I saw in him until we had kids.

things are improving but it’s taking time. You should make a point in having more ‘me time’ - otherwise things won’t change.

That’s difficult. I think you just need to facilitate him - so if you want a break then set out snacks & drinks on a tray for them before you go. Maybe suggest they go to park or soft play & get bag ready. It sounds ridiculous but at least you know they have been given a drink & not sat in front of TV all morning. Is there an activity he can take them to on a Saturday morning regularly? Maybe just a trip to the library & local cafe? Then you know he has a plan in place.

It’s not fair that this is so common.

It’s honestly so frustrating!

The amount of men who just act like a kid themselves and expect us to run around after them.

Society holds such low standards for men/dads as far as household duties/childcare goes!

Just so I’m clear: this is suggestions for an adult man, presumably somewhere between his early 20s and early 40s, probably in paid employment?

OK, I've definitely read threads by this poster before. She is looking for validation and similar stories. Don't bother with suggestions or telling her she can justifiably be assertive or even angry with her husband. None of that is on the agenda. Don't waste your time. She meekly picks up the slack and that's not going to change.

I’m not sure I agree with this weaponised incompetence, that’s to say they’re doing it deliberately.

Honestly, I think a lot of men are just self serving, lazy, careless and absent minded. I don’t think there is any genuine forethought that goes into any of this. For so many of them it just comes naturally I’m afraid.

people often ask how they cope at work. IMO work and home life are two very different things and can’t really be compared.

anyway I suspect from what you’ve said that your husband was probably hyper focused on something that he was interested in and your children were just an afterthought.

I think if you leave them with him the same thing will happen over and over. Perhaps some written instructions might help him.

But whatever the reasons behind it, it’s infuriating and he’s a shitty parent. I’d tell him that.

Do you know what - I'd probably be a 'great mum' if I didn't have to clean, sort, tidy, cook, wash and aaaaaall the stuff that your H just seems to opt out of (single parent, no choice). He's not a great dad - he's lazy and leaving the lions share of being a fucking adult and parent to you.

These threads are always so infuriating - I get you just need a vent and a sense check that you're not expecting too much but you don't have to live like this! Men are equally capable - you shouldn't have to lower your standards, he should be raising his!! It sounds like you'll soldier on, building more and more resentment until its all too much but please don't..

My DH is the same - I've had to ask him now to please just turn off his phone when he is minding our two year old because otherwise he disappears into it and ends up forgetting about her until there is a crash from another room, and remind him to play with her properly and not just rely on Bluey and a stream of snacks to keep her occupied.
Some of it is my fault because I don't leave them to just get on with it together often enough, but a lot of it comes down to him just not putting in the effort to properly connect with his child and the anxiety knowing that causes me.

We had a bit of a blow up the other week, well, I did, and he is trying harder at the moment so in my experience stopping sugar-coating it and spelling out for him what I expected of him in future was both cathartic and helpful!

Ultimately I'm beginning to think that we enable their hopelessness and we can choose to call bullshit on it and try to instigate change! Good luck, OP! 💐

Its not common in the men I know, the women I know would never put up with it.

I have 4 children, I could leave them all with their father at any point, he's as good a parent as I am. He's a fully functional human being, which I presume your husband also is. He's just a lazy bastard who doesn't care.

No, you’re not the only one OP @blueberryshake , but that doesn’t make it ok.

My ex husband was like this. One of the many reasons why he’s now an ex husband.

Once I left the kids with him for 45 minutes to get a flu jab and he was fed up by the time I returned. I went away for ONE weekend in 5 years and he wouldn’t speak to me for several hours when I got back. Then there was the time I was working and he’d text me asking me to come downstairs and watch the kids so he could make dinner.

I would keep your eyes wide open OP and look to plan for the future as a single parent. Look into improving your income. Start getting your ducks in a row financially and practically. You’ll end up doing it all on your own one day. Because if you’re posting on this forum with these issues now, you already know it’s not right. One day, which might be in 6 months or in 10 years, either he will leave or you’ll have had enough.

Yanbu..... he's a dick just like mine...... as a teeny tiny example he thinks because he can run on empty that dd can..... then gets super angry at the hangry tantrum he has to deal with as a result...... its a massive issue for us.... you have my sympathies....it won't get better......

I genuinely feel like dad's parent different to mums. Is this annoying...absolutely. does routine and everything we mums see as standard go out the window...abso-king-lutley. However although I walk into minefield of chaos,( granted he gives him a drink/snack/meal) I can see that they have had fun together and can't wait to tell me about it. Children really aren't little for long...I hate to admit it but I enjoy the chaos that brings, I know dad allows sword fights, and encourages den building/finding, allows etc screen time along with nit so my choice of snack....but My son is safe,loved and having fun. Sometimes that's where the line is drawn. And that is perfectly OK.

All of the things you’ve mentioned. So what? They are no big deal. They aren’t going to die from not having a drink when you’re out for the morning. Same with the unhealthy snacks. Watching shite on YouTube once in a while isn’t terrible.

This is wild! Definitely not normal OP. Don’t get me wrong, there are areas that my DH wouldn’t follow the standards I’d like him to, like what snacks they have etc, but it’s because he’s not a cook and doesn’t take much of an interest in their overall diet, whereas I’m thinking of the balance of fruit and veg, protein etc over the day/week. He doesn’t feed them shit because we’ve both discussed how we want to raise our kids and both have concerns over their health. We’ve agreed on screen time and generally stick to that.

It’s one thing that your DH is lazy (agreed), but a whole other that he sees you struggle and seems not to give a fuck - is this fair to say? Like have you spelled out to him what you’ve said here? ‘Darling, do you realise that I don’t feel able to get any time alone, because if I do, I come back to tonnes of extra work that you’ve created for me? Can we discuss solutions that avoid this as I feel uncared for? Etc etc. what happens if you say this kind of thing? If you have, what do you say/do when he doesn’t keep his word?

Me and DP are totally equal parents - he is as reliable and as involved as me at looking after him. We both feel happy leaving the kids with one another.

However OP I know what your relationship is like because my dad was exactly like this - he wouldn't get us drinks, wouldn't make us food when we were kids - my mum did everything and she hated leaving us with him.

Some relationships are like that but it's up to you what you expect your partner to act like. I would never have married someone like my Dad.

I agree with others that say he just needs some practice! He sounds like he doesn’t actually spend time with the children very much. How is he supposed to learn if he is not ‘allowed’ time with them alone?

Show him where the children’s cups are, give him a list of acceptable activities and a small amount of tv (in small amounts) and Bob’s your uncle. Soft play and the local swings sound ideal.

Otherwise, what - you never leave them with their father?

Can you not see that you’ve spectacularly missed the point? 😂

So what do you who scoff mean by “not tolerate it” and “not put up with it”. You can’t force him and if you LTB he will have them even more often so your kids will suffer even more. What are people then doing to somehow force their DH’s to change? Genuine question.

Have you had a conversation with him about how his laziness affects you? If he can’t be bothered to do something, you have to… is he ok with that?