To not really like leaving the children with DH?

[blueberryshake]

DH is a loving man and husband who in his way does a lot for us. I’m not looking for either LTBs or accusations of being a martyr here, I’m genuinely just interested in how many other women are in the same position.

We have two children who are four and twenty months. As our second approaches two I’m getting a bit restless and wanting a bit of me time. I know it’s not going to be a lot but as much as I love them I’m literally either at work (three days a week) or have a child with me.

One of the problems is I really don’t like leaving them with DH. He has a tendency to focus on something to the point of obsessiveness, and when he does so everything else sort of ceases to exist so he doesn’t notice them needing something. An example, I had a hairdresser appointment Saturday morning, it was the first one since January, he forgot to give them drinks. Apparently he couldn’t find their water bottles. But both can drink from a cup or he could have bought water bottles with sports caps. He just doesn’t think.

Screen time - I have definitely had days when we’ve gone over the recommended daily amount but back to back peppa pig or complete garbage on YouTube (once found DS watching some absolute gibberish where I’m not even sure it was any language!) with trucks and diggers! He gives them his phone as well which I hate and it has started with me - asking for my phone if we have to wait a few minutes (I say no) but that’s where it’s come from.

The house - I do obviously get young children make a mess but honestly come back to the house looking like every charity shop in town has been ransacked with toys and puzzle pieces hopelessly mixed up and random stuff like Cushions strewn around the house and just crap everywhere.

And he placates them with snacks (another thing I hate) I wouldn’t mind if vaguely healthy but it’s quavers, biscuits, anything that shuts them up.

He is lazy but he parents fine when I’m kind of there to steer the ship. Without me it drifts into an ocean of snacks, screen time, mess and disarray.

How do you know there wasn't a day when he forget her much and it was 2 hours late? Or she didn't ask for a drink so he forgot to give her one for 5 hours? How do you know that didn't happen?

He is shit and lazy. And doesn’t respect you so doesn’t care how it impacts you.

can you leave a list for him? Print it out and put on the fridge and also send to his photo.?

when you back to carnage then does he help you clean up?

it’s so unsexy. But if you treat him like a toddler who has to learn then maybe he’ll have a clue by the time they go to school.

or can you fuck his shit up so he understands what he is doing to you?

Not purposefully, but are willing to settle for crap men because the want for a relationship and children is greater than anything else so are willing to accept lazy, bad fathers who can't be arsed.

I would give that advice if the genders were reversed too. Because of what I followed it up with: People don’t like to feel criticised or viewed as incompetent. People do like to have their opinions listened to and valued.

That is true for both men and women. And for the purpose of creating better teamwork (working together as parents) it is important to discuss, share and listen to each other.

I really don’t see how it’s hitting a new low to show interest in your partner’s opinion.

I value constructive criticism. Not everyone can see the difference between constructive criticism and criticism that is aimed at putting you down. So, framing things in a way to invite people to engage rather than demanding that they engage is more conducive to creating an opportunity to resolve issues.

I like hearing from other mum’s perspectives and experiences. Why shouldn’t a dad like hearing from other dad’s perspectives and experiences. Which is exactly what that article I linked does.

Your children are 4 and (almost) 2. With a husband involved, you should absolutely of been able to have some me time by now.

Not offering your children drinks whilst you were out the house for 4 hours because he “couldn’t find their bottles” is a terrible excuse and a disgrace. I could get over the messy house thing, but feeding and offering the kids drinks and caring about their well-being is bare minimum. Giving constant snacks that are unhealthy to shut them up - not fine.

He sounds incredibly lazy and one of them dads that messes up with looking after the kids so that YOU feel like you can’t leave them.

I know it’s not what you want to hear but you need to start leaving them with their dad more often, once a week and go do something for yourself. He will never learn how to be a parent if you’ve done it all by yourself.

I feel bad saying this but he is borderline a crappy parent and needs to step up.

Not sure what you’re expecting here op. But he is lazy and not involved in your kids lives, his actions confirm this.

you could have a serious chat and set some rules.

at those ages I’d never advise screens on tablets or phones, we have an entire generation of kids hooked on those things and their social skills have taken a battering for it, plus you’ll find yourself relying on screens to ‘calm them’ soon enough yourself.

I don't think you understand what a bad father is.

You know I'm from a culture where we bathe every day, cream our skin, change our kids nappies after every wee we know about, our kids don't speak back to us, our kids are told what to wear and when (they won't be in shorts in winter), they eat what we cook, they respect elders. People who do not do these things and whose kids are rude and disobedient, we count as bad, dirty parents. It's taken some time for me to realise that the dominant culture here isn't just full of shitty, lazy parents - it's just your cultural norms. And some people always better at some things than others.

You guys debate their your kids need to eat proper food, feed your kids twizzlers while you have "adult" gourmet meals, don't bathe yourselves or your kids very often, let your kids wear what they want in the middle of a snow storm. For me, the majority of your parenting views on here are somewhere between disgusting and bizarre, but folk are different. Long as your kids are loved and safe, that's the main thing. I'm not going to go on about how nasty you are and the things my grandma would say about you.

You’re being ridiculous! It’s just a bit of extra screen time and (horror of horrors!) a bit of mess to tidy up.
This post says more about you than it does hubby.

I think this is weaponised incompetence. I know you say it’s not but I think it is, personally.

Open your mind that, on some level, conscious or unconscious, your OH thinks parenting is your job and all he has to do is make sure they’ve eaten something and not killed each other.

And I think you have a very narrow view indeed of what a good man is.

People have other qualities, and I have my own limitations. My husband will clean up all the horrible messes that need to be, won't let me do the grim stuff like cleaning up dog accidents, does all our life admin like researching cheapest options and bills, does the DIY, works incredibly hard, volunteers time with charity, cooks when he has time and very well, looks after the elderly in our community and spoils us rotten to name just a few.

He does not appear to have the executive function required for quality childcare. He just doesn't and gets overwhelmed easily with it.
This is not what your husband is like but many are without being toxic people. And it doesn't disqualify them from being good dads.

I wonder how many mums would admit to sometimes behaving exactly as the DH did here… don’t tell me there aren’t any 😉

To answer your question about "if it's just you", I can definitely relate to some of your criticisms, but they're counterbalanced by a

For example, my husband definitely doesn't tidy as he goes and the floor ends up littered with stuff. Very annoying, but his job to fix at the end (grumbling at doing it in free time as if he couldn't have sorted it through the day...).

He also doesn't pay much attention to the "flow" of snacks - i.e. he ends up stuffed with snacks and not sitting down for dinner, or he gets hangry because he didn't offer food a reasonable interval.

He also resorts to screen time too often, and misses the cue that our son is bored and wants to play now.

These sort of things are annoying but not terminally annoying. It means he gets an aggy toddler where he could have had a pleasant one, but that's for him to deal with the consequences of.

However the good flipsides are:

• he's stricter than me with behaviour and stopping bad habits
• food is always healthy
• he's better at some interactive play/songs/games
• he's good at encouraging personal tidiness/care etc

So, are there good flipsides, strengths, positives?

Or can he change the odd nappy and that's it?

Nope. You need to think that so you can absolve yourself of responsibility for the choices you made.
But it's not true.

Exactly. These types of post are both looking for absolution for poor choices and an r cause not to do anything about it. I don’t know men like this. DH is probably a more hands-on parent than I am in terms of taking DS to activities and cooking good food for him. I have been going away for work or fun for a week at a time since DS was two, without a second thought.

I don't think it's me with a narrow view of what a good man is. I agree with you. I don't think having different standards OR being genuinely bad at one aspect of parenting means you're useless as a parent or a human.

I've forgotten loads of things. I'm usually the one in the playground trying to take the kids back a day early.

@blueberryshakebecause parenting is a mix, right? Mostly healthy food but snacks and short cuts when time/energy isn't on your side. Mostly games and crafts and outings, but screen time and chilling out in between.

If he ONLY does the lazier options, that's a him issue and he needs to step up.

If he does both and you focus on the "bad" things, that's a you issue.

My DH might spend a morning with the 1yo and 4yo watching Sesame St and eating cereal but I know he's shattered from working a double shift and will take them to the park after, so it's a non issue.

Men are just conditioned into thinking that childcare is our job. They don’t prioritise it like we do and don’t think of their kids needs like we do.

On the whole they are lazy and expect us to tell them what to do. They may prioritise their job which is where all their brain power is focused on - not the house or children - in their mind, it’s clearly the woman’s job. End of.

Woops - yes many people have shitty partners who don’t step up. This simmering resentment left unaddressed leads to an unhappy relationship which will eventually reach boiling point, traumatizing the children in the process as well as setting a horrific example of inequality. But at least you are not the only one living this, so you can validate your reluctance to address this and justify your false belief that your options are only to suck it up or LTB, rather than address your relationship problem.

Is that better?

Some men - not all. DH and I discussed before we got married 30 years ago joint responsibilities for the home and children. We have both continued with our careers and I had no worries when I needed to work away from home. We didn’t have any family living in the UK to support so had to be well organised and worked as a team

Some men, undoubtedly. Don’t have children with those ones.

YABU to remain with this man.

Genuine question: what was he like with your eldest? Involved? Engaged? Adequate? Didn't leave them dehydrated or starving? Or try palm them off on a screen?

I'm just always fascinated with cases like this, as to whether the person was an amazing parent to the first and then went under with the second, which can happen, or whether they were subpar with the first but the couple decided to plough on adding another kid to the mix anyway.

I can't get past the not giving them water thing, sorry.

This is ridiculous. Clearly you have spent time around many useless men or been partnered with one.

Don't have kids with someone who thinks parenting and raising a child is the job of the person who grew them. ESPECIALLY don't go on to repeat the first mistake twice, by having a second (sadly I've even seen thirds!) when the first is already saddled with a rubbish, disengaged parent.

9am Saturday. Dh, I am going out for an hour. I’ve realised I choose not to go anywhere on my own anymore, because every time I leave you with the kids the house is totally trashed, and I spend hours tidying it. That doesn’t happen to you. There is no additional cost to you of going out. I’m fed up. So on Saturday, I’m going out. When I return, if the house is trashed, I’m leaving again for a couple of hours. This will keep happening, I will keep turning around and walking back out again, if I have to book a hotel for the week. We need to make our relationship more even so I get support in it too, this will make more work for you, but it’s work I’ve always done for you. Time to step up, off I go.

you need to insist he step up.

You wanted to know if this is normal. I don't think it's normal for your parenting styles to be so far apart, no. I do think it's normal for your parenting styles not to line up completely, and for compromises to have to be made. In our case it was me who was a little more permissive than my husband. I don't think I was lazy like your husband, but I would on occasion let the kids watch another episode of their favorite tv show, for example (which was for my benefit really to give me a few extra minutes to myself). Whereas my husband would be stricter on screen time, even if it meant more work for him. The important thing is that we were able to talk through our approaches (out of earshot of the kids) and what we thought was most important, and each make compromises where necessary.