To not really like leaving the children with DH?

[blueberryshake]

DH is a loving man and husband who in his way does a lot for us. I’m not looking for either LTBs or accusations of being a martyr here, I’m genuinely just interested in how many other women are in the same position.

We have two children who are four and twenty months. As our second approaches two I’m getting a bit restless and wanting a bit of me time. I know it’s not going to be a lot but as much as I love them I’m literally either at work (three days a week) or have a child with me.

One of the problems is I really don’t like leaving them with DH. He has a tendency to focus on something to the point of obsessiveness, and when he does so everything else sort of ceases to exist so he doesn’t notice them needing something. An example, I had a hairdresser appointment Saturday morning, it was the first one since January, he forgot to give them drinks. Apparently he couldn’t find their water bottles. But both can drink from a cup or he could have bought water bottles with sports caps. He just doesn’t think.

Screen time - I have definitely had days when we’ve gone over the recommended daily amount but back to back peppa pig or complete garbage on YouTube (once found DS watching some absolute gibberish where I’m not even sure it was any language!) with trucks and diggers! He gives them his phone as well which I hate and it has started with me - asking for my phone if we have to wait a few minutes (I say no) but that’s where it’s come from.

The house - I do obviously get young children make a mess but honestly come back to the house looking like every charity shop in town has been ransacked with toys and puzzle pieces hopelessly mixed up and random stuff like Cushions strewn around the house and just crap everywhere.

And he placates them with snacks (another thing I hate) I wouldn’t mind if vaguely healthy but it’s quavers, biscuits, anything that shuts them up.

He is lazy but he parents fine when I’m kind of there to steer the ship. Without me it drifts into an ocean of snacks, screen time, mess and disarray.

We dont pick useless men to begin with. We don't have multiple children with men who clearly couldn't handle the first one.
You can't force a man to change, the trick is to get one that doesn't need changing.

And don't kid yourself these men will look for 50/50 residency, they'll be EOW at best and only then reliably when they've found another woman to do the work!

My DH can be like this, too quick to a screen, forgets drinks sometimes and seems to need suggesting what DC has for every meal otherwise they’ll have porridge & banana for whatever meal I’m not in for (not the worst in fairness).

However if I go out now he’ll take DC out to soft plays, farms, parks, beaches & playgroups without prompting (& pack a full blown picnic with the drinks).

So we basically now have an agreement where he’s out for the day if alone with DC. I don’t know what it is with being at home alone with DC but being out seems to force him to be organised and busy.

Would he be any better out the house? I think our agreement only works because he’s taking the initiative and even then I sometimes think it’s daft he forces himself out (works though!).

Does he have a job? If he can hold down a job he’s perfectly capable of looking after his children and the home. Have a weekend away with friends and leave him to sort himself out with the children and home. I wouldn’t accept someone who isn’t prepared to parent properly or be a decent partner.

I would argue that been lazy is making him a shit dad and a shit husband. You need to be clear that if you jave some 'me' time then you expect him to sort out any mess after. I mean be really clear - write a list if you have too. He must be able to comprehend how to clean a kitchen? Does he know you think he's an idiot who would let his own kids get really thirsty as his brain could work our how to give them water? This may seem OK with you now I think you'll be wanting to leave him if he carries on like this over the next few years

I get so anxious leaving DD with DH even though he has had to solo parent when I’ve been in hospital (unplanned admissions!) they were both largely unscathed but I was a wreck 😬

It was a while ago for us, but DH always wanted to be out and about when in charge of young children. So much less mess. A lot more stimulation. It worked, to be fair.

That’s not a ‘good dad’, though. Would you class yourself as a ‘good mother’ if you forgot to give your children drinks, fed them endless crap snacks, and gave them lots of screen time so you didn’t have to engage?

I think you have to train him while the children are still small. I left mine with DH from small babies - he is a competent adult and should be able to take care of his children. Your DH is perfectly capable too, he's just being lazy and choosing not to put the effort in.

In your place I would -
a) Read him the riot act and point out his lazy parenting
b) Leave him with the children much more often and leave him with a list detailing when to give food and drink, no phones/screens etc
c) don't buy crap like quavers and biscuits - if they're not there, he can't feed them it!
d) make sure he knows that you expect him to keep the place reasonably tidy or tidy up before tea/bath/bedtime. If you come home to a shithole, turn and leave again and tell him you'll be home when he's tidied up.

I've got to say, it doesn't sound particularly bad to me. However, I'm assuming the unhealthy snacks and screen time are interspered with healthy lunch and other activities? Or does he literally ONLY do the bare minimum?
You say toys are littered about, so presumably he's playing with them?

More shit from men

We have to fucking micrcomanage them to get them to actually parent and paint with a three year old

Which then feels like you've got another child

🤔

The thing is @ArminTamzerian , you have absolutely no way of knowing how these sort of things will work out until you’re right in the thick of it. I’d never have said that we’d be in this position before having children. It tends to happen slowly and you can’t see it because you are in the belly of it and then somehow four and a half years later and you’re here.

DH isn’t a bad man. I’m not leaving, no one’s life would be better for it.

@gertrudebiggles why do you assume that a man relying on crisps and screen time is then turning to nature trails and avocado on whole grain toast for lunch? Lol.

@Endofyear TBH the most annoying thing in this whole thread has got to be the assumption that I am solely responsible for the contents of the family cupboards. Believe me, my Morrisons shop does not feature quavers and biscuits but there are two adults in the house and both sometimes buy things. I’m sure you can guess who is buying the bananas, grapes and cucumbers and who is buying the quavers and biscuits!

I think most parents have to negotiate different standards of caregiving (unless doing it alone). I know my DH wishes I'd stick to schedules more with the kids -- but it stresses me out so I do it a pace I can handle. I wish he would give them healthier food than he does but I just eat healthier in general and think the western diet is pretty rubbish at the moment.

We try and work out non-negotiables that make the other parent uncomfortable, eg just 1 chocolate biscuit. And I respect the bedtime much more than the other timings.

My DH sometimes allows more mess too but I know he recognises that the house is usually much tidier when he comes home to me with the kids than when I do come home to him with the kids so he makes an honest effort to tidy and I appreciate he tries.

It bursts your bubble and the joy of having some liberty, to come home to a shitshow and then resentment builds up as it’s simply not ruddy fair.
You’re not alone.

When mine were younger, I’d prepare a paper plate each of picnic finger food and drink and make a ‘party bag’ each containing new colouring books & crayons, a cheap new toy, bubbles etc - to hold their attention and have a film on record so that all DH had to do was the bare minimum ..and this way I knew they’d be eating and drinking, fully entertained.. this would enable me to relax when I was out in the knowledge that they were fed and watered and not bored xx

OP, those most posters here would deny it, you've just described most men. They just don't have the same sense of responsibility it seems. I don't know why. They go for the lazy options.

.Mine feeds them snacks and juice, turns on back to back cartoons.
He will also play with them wonderfully and the DC adore him but without me, no teeth would ever be brushed. Yesterday he put the baby in the toddler's trousers after changing a nappy and didn't notice.

Not sure what the solution is. DH watched yesterday the documentary about pouches and thought it was a major revelation. I had never considered someone might not know for instance that fruit contains a lot of sugar. But he didn't. Now the tv has said so, he has agreed to consider giving fewer snacks. That's a win at least!

And yes absolutely re: the contents of cupboards. My husband will often protest my healthyish shopping by returning home with bagfulls of crisps and biscuits.

You’ve positioned yourself as the parent and your husband as the babysitter. The children are “left with him” only when you need to go out. Being a loving man and husband isn’t enough, he needs to be a parent. You’ve are both equal parents, regardless of who works or who has free time.

You’ve been parents for 4 years. Have the two of you never sat down together and discussed how you want to parent your kids? What your parenting strategy is? What you each consider important in raising a child? Basic things such as you not wanting much screen time and him giving lots of screen time could have been discussed and agreed years ago. The two of you are currently parenting in completely different ways but you both need to come together. It can’t just be you telling him how to do things or how not to.

All the posters saying this is just how men tend to be are accepting incredibly low standards.

We have five children. I had quite bad PND after our youngest. By the time he was five months old, I was on the verge of collapse. Neither of us had any family around to help. My husband not only researched and booked me a few days away, but happily looked after our children and the baby. He made sure the older ones got to school, worked from home around the baby's schedule, and finished his hours once the kids were in bed. That even included one day when he took him on the train to the Embassy because of a delay with our passports.

He found the time to keep a photo blog of everything going on so I didn't have to worry too much and could just concentrate on sleep and recovery. And I arrived home to a clean house, well looked after children, and the cupboards and fridge fully stocked.

Not that I wasn't hugely grateful for what he did, but I could have named you several of my friend's husbands who would have been equally capable of dealing with that just as well as my husband. And none of them would have expected a medal for it.

I think you need to raise your standards, OP. I'd let your husband know he is setting an appalling example of fatherhood to his own children, who will repeat that pattern in their adult lives if he doesn't step up and start making a bit of effort fairly soon.

No. This is not at all common amongst my friends. All of our DHs can be trusted to feed/water/entertain kids without resorting to screen time, sugar and ransacking the house! If anything, most of the men I know can’t stand the house being a tip and very much make the kids tidy as they go.

@blueberryshake I totally hear you. You need your partner to be reliable as a parent and a partner. That is perfectly understandable.

I like to read various parenting advice, even things that I already know because it helps to have a reminder or simply to connect with another parent on their parenting journey. I want to share something written by a dad giving parenting advice. I found it to be quite good and hopefully it might help your partner be a better parent. Men like to hear things from other men, so hopefully he will be open to what this man has written about fatherhood and it encourages him. Also, have a read of it yourself and see if there is anything in there that might help you and your partner to find a way to work as a parenting team.

Oh, and if (after reading this article) you would like your partner to read it too, frame it as you would like his opinion on it, rather than this will help you be a better dad. People don’t like to feel criticised or viewed as incompetent. People do like to have their opinions listened to and valued.

I just want to wish you goodluck and to say that I stand in solidarity with you. As a parent I know how hard it can be. 👍💖💐

https://www.artofmanliness.com/people/fatherhood/18-tips-for-being-a-great-dad/

That's how acquire another baby, but an adult sized one!

I am frequently exasperated by the way women enable men being shit. NAWALT, of course, but “If after reading this article you would like your partner to read it too, frame it as you would like his opinion on it…” from @ImustLearn2Cookhits a new low…!

OP, those most posters here would deny it, you've just described most men

You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better, but no, most men aren't like this.

Then just accept that everyone has flaws and realise that it isn't that much of a big deal. What you don't do is allow people to speak about your husband like he's utter trash. Imagine some people saying these things to him about you, because you don't do something the same or as well as him.

If your husband forgot to give the kids a drink for a while, he probably wouldn't tell you. It isn't a big deal to do once.

Thats really not being a good dad. I would have been deeply disappointed with my DH if he were like that and would by no means consider him a good father. I left mine with Dh for several weeks, she was clean, fed, entertained, reading done and playdates attended. Thats what being a reasonable dad is. Not even a great dad, just doing what a mum would do left with her own kids.

Men get away with this shit because women worry that their kids will come to harm if left with their own dads basically. Thats fucking appalling if you think about it.

Most of you on here wouldn't be so nasty to men if you genuinely had decent husbands. I think most of this comes from women who have picked horrible men, and thus you assume every other man is equally as toxic.

The idea that women purposely pick.useless men is the most misogynistic thing I've read on the site so far. Women, why do we hate ourselves so much?