To not really like leaving the children with DH?

[blueberryshake]

DH is a loving man and husband who in his way does a lot for us. I’m not looking for either LTBs or accusations of being a martyr here, I’m genuinely just interested in how many other women are in the same position.

We have two children who are four and twenty months. As our second approaches two I’m getting a bit restless and wanting a bit of me time. I know it’s not going to be a lot but as much as I love them I’m literally either at work (three days a week) or have a child with me.

One of the problems is I really don’t like leaving them with DH. He has a tendency to focus on something to the point of obsessiveness, and when he does so everything else sort of ceases to exist so he doesn’t notice them needing something. An example, I had a hairdresser appointment Saturday morning, it was the first one since January, he forgot to give them drinks. Apparently he couldn’t find their water bottles. But both can drink from a cup or he could have bought water bottles with sports caps. He just doesn’t think.

Screen time - I have definitely had days when we’ve gone over the recommended daily amount but back to back peppa pig or complete garbage on YouTube (once found DS watching some absolute gibberish where I’m not even sure it was any language!) with trucks and diggers! He gives them his phone as well which I hate and it has started with me - asking for my phone if we have to wait a few minutes (I say no) but that’s where it’s come from.

The house - I do obviously get young children make a mess but honestly come back to the house looking like every charity shop in town has been ransacked with toys and puzzle pieces hopelessly mixed up and random stuff like Cushions strewn around the house and just crap everywhere.

And he placates them with snacks (another thing I hate) I wouldn’t mind if vaguely healthy but it’s quavers, biscuits, anything that shuts them up.

He is lazy but he parents fine when I’m kind of there to steer the ship. Without me it drifts into an ocean of snacks, screen time, mess and disarray.

I don’t think your husband’s behaviour is normal, but I do think you just need to leave him to it for longer periods of time so that he learns how to step up.

Not feeding or giving small children a drink would soon end in horrible tears in our house, something even a useless caregiver would realise. Similarly, letting them watch endless episodes of rubbish tv would soon end in terrible behaviour for mine!

I think you probably need to leave him to it for longer periods of time so he sees the outcome of his parenting, rather than you coming in to pick up the pieces.

No this is not normal, and you need to be thinking longer term.

Do you want your sons to grow into teenagers and model their behaviour on your DH and become lazy men?

Do you want them to watch and think that domrstic tasks etc are solely womens work?

Is your DH going to back you and offer proper parenting and rules if your teenagers are being difficult, when they've likely become taller and stronger than you?

Once they hit school will he be too lazy to sit down and help them learn to read?

If his answer is just to put them in front of a screen now, this could only get more problematic as they get older and more curious.

You really need to be having some conversations, maybe some counselling, if you're wanting to stay with this man.

Best of luck.

Most of that sounds fine, you need to prioritise your you time instead of trying to make him the perfect parent. It’s only screens and snacks. If there was any danger that’d be different

Stop buying the snacks and always leave it to him to tidy up whatever mess has been created while you were out. Phrase it as, "OK, I'll make dinner while you're clearing up" or something like that, and never budge.

This. They will figure it out. You will just have to relinquish control more.

@blueberryshake only just noticed your reply.

No it’s not normal that he forgot to give them a drink. His explanation about the water bottles is a very lousy excuse to cover up his can’t-be-bothered attitude.

Sadly it’s not just your H,there’s a lot of them actively avoiding doing domestic stuff which they think it’s beneath them-after all it’s a wimmin’s job, isn’t it?

When this “I forgot” becomes acceptable? When your child requires medical attention because the lazy parent “forgot” the suncream so you have a badly sunburnt child?
Or when you have to take your child to the dentist for a filling because the lazy parent “forgot” to brush their teeth (again) and fed them sugary crap?

Oh and obviously it’s you who has to arrange an appointment, tend to your child and take time off work?

You’re in the worst and messy part of bringing the children. They are (and will be for a while)of age that they need constant supervision and assistance.

You need a partner not another person that creates more job for you with their lax attitude.
Have a serious chat with your H and lay down the expectations.
The house is not a museum but it shouldn’t be a pig sty eigher.
He needs to pull his finger out and take care of his kids properly. He also lives there so all domestic chores/tasks should be shared.