To not really like leaving the children with DH?

[blueberryshake]

DH is a loving man and husband who in his way does a lot for us. I’m not looking for either LTBs or accusations of being a martyr here, I’m genuinely just interested in how many other women are in the same position.

We have two children who are four and twenty months. As our second approaches two I’m getting a bit restless and wanting a bit of me time. I know it’s not going to be a lot but as much as I love them I’m literally either at work (three days a week) or have a child with me.

One of the problems is I really don’t like leaving them with DH. He has a tendency to focus on something to the point of obsessiveness, and when he does so everything else sort of ceases to exist so he doesn’t notice them needing something. An example, I had a hairdresser appointment Saturday morning, it was the first one since January, he forgot to give them drinks. Apparently he couldn’t find their water bottles. But both can drink from a cup or he could have bought water bottles with sports caps. He just doesn’t think.

Screen time - I have definitely had days when we’ve gone over the recommended daily amount but back to back peppa pig or complete garbage on YouTube (once found DS watching some absolute gibberish where I’m not even sure it was any language!) with trucks and diggers! He gives them his phone as well which I hate and it has started with me - asking for my phone if we have to wait a few minutes (I say no) but that’s where it’s come from.

The house - I do obviously get young children make a mess but honestly come back to the house looking like every charity shop in town has been ransacked with toys and puzzle pieces hopelessly mixed up and random stuff like Cushions strewn around the house and just crap everywhere.

And he placates them with snacks (another thing I hate) I wouldn’t mind if vaguely healthy but it’s quavers, biscuits, anything that shuts them up.

He is lazy but he parents fine when I’m kind of there to steer the ship. Without me it drifts into an ocean of snacks, screen time, mess and disarray.

My DH wasn’t good with healthy eating, but having time alone with our children created his own bond with them, which is important.

I’d talk to him about the important things like keeping them hydrated and perhaps suggest some activities, but otherwise let him get on with it. He needs to learn how to parent.

So if you want time for yourself, he can be paying for a sitter because he is an unsafe parent.

Why did they need drinks if you were at the hairdressers? You must have been out for a couple of hours, max.

He’s not a good dad. He’s lazy. But the children will be absolutely fine. Don’t let him stop you doing what you want to do!

Sounds like he needs a lot more practice.
If someone is crap at a basic, necessary task they can't stop doing it - they need to do it more to get good at it.
I'd start going out for regularly and handing over more of the childcare and child admin to him.

It sounds like he thinks you're the "main" parent and he's just doing you a favour by babysitting them occasionally.

No, closer to four. As an aside I absolutely hate it when someone states things with such certainty. How do you know what my hair is like? FGS! And it is hot, it’s reasonable for most people to have a drink in that time.

@CurlewKate the thing is they’ll be fine but it’s that it creates work for me. That’s my annoyance really! So I can’t do it regularly because then it doubles my (already substantial!) workload.

The problem is we do have different standards - he isn’t as fussed about diet or screen time (especially use of phones.)

Do not start doing all the planning for him without letting him know this is just so he can learn for himself. Men are just as capable of looking after children well and he can learn. Whether he wants to or not is another matter. But you're far from the only one dealing with this.

It’s common on here & then men wonder why their partner gets a bit stressy or isn’t really up for romance. He needs to take them out to soft play or something if he can’t keep them busy at home.

Do you have anyone else who can have them?

The dh is a grown adult
Do not treat him like thex16 year old babysitter!
He knows what to do
He is just trying gl to make op feel guilty and sabotage her outing
Kids will be fine with a bit extra video and will shout if they thirsty
He will learn
Op should go out longer and more often

Surely this relationship is dead in the water. I mean, he's clearly negligent and lazy, do you even want to have sex with this man let alone spend the rest of your life with him?

Get rid of him, you're doing all the parenting anyway, at least there won't be resentment.

I think you should ask him if he would like it if when you were with the children solo you gave them huge amounts of screen time, unhealthy junk food and left the house a big mess. Make the point that you’re both responsible for the wellbeing of the kids, and he should stick to the standards that you both agree on when he is solo with the kids.
It deserves a frank conversation. Which he will not like at all. But it has to be had.

No, so I am feeling a bit smothered.

He's parenting differently to you that's all.

He’s not unsafe! A bit shit-but not unsafe. The OP should just go out.

I know you want the comfort of knowing that other men are like this - I assume it'll help you believe it's not that big a deal.

In my experience though it really isn't that common. More common then women being useless of course but 'forgetting' to give your child a drink is appalling really.

It's normal for a lot of women to sigh about the clothes their partners put their kids in or the food they give them but actual neglect is mercifully rare.

I have 3 by the way and I was able to leave all 3 of them with my husband from newborn onwards. He would probably be more likely to get them a MacDonalds than me but he'd never have neglected them

OP what do you expect from this thread? You wrote it went the way you expected?

As people pointed out your husband is lazy. He either doesn’t do things for HIS OWN children or goes for easiest (for him)option

Your standards are different.

He’s a grown man who should be able to look after HIS OWN children without prompts,hints and suggestions from you.

Have a frank conversation with him and lay down your expectations.
No woman here got a child with a manual attached “how to feed and entertain your child. All of us had to figure it out. Men can do it as well.

Crap food(including snacks), endless screen time and lack of input don’t bode well for the future(yours,your kids and relationship).

@TangerinePlate To be fair I did try to be as clear as possible in what I was asking. LTB isn’t an option; I don’t want to and even if I did I couldn’t! And I don’t think I’m a martyr because I decide a weeks worth of cleaning isn’t worth two hours at the shops or whatever. I’m honestly wondering if it’s normal. I think it is to a point but that we’re at the more extreme end - but this is probably at least partly as we have the two.

You're not alone OP. I could have actually written this thread. My DH is similar. He really is a wonderful dad and does share the load even though I work part-time he still does daily bedtime, extra curricular and all the fun stuff, very hand on and involved, does stuff round the house as in obvious cleaning in the kitchen but notices the living room clutter and chaos less so. The kids adore him and they just get into chill mode together. So it often means I come back to chaos and also just that he isn't as on the ball as me. Granted I've always been home with the children more so know the little things better. And we do talk about it and things do get better to be fair. But it's the in between bit when something is bothering me and I'm trying to keep cool and not say anything but end up cranky and well we both are cranky by then! Do we just get it more as mums???

If he makes a mess why can't he clear it up?
Do you usually have to clean up after him?

It's not normal. I have three and their dad doesn't neglect them or expect me to skivvy for him.

No. It’s not normal. Not uncommon maybe, but not normal.

but I think you know that anyway, so why post if you’re not interested in solutions?

I don’t understand how you can list all of those issues and also say “he’s a good dad”- he’s not. He forgets to give them a drink (a very basic need), he can’t be arsed to entertain them so gives them a screen, he gives them sugary snacks to keep them quiet and by the sounds of it just lets them run riot in the house. The bar is painfully low if you honestly think he is a good dad, he isn’t doing any actual parenting he’s literally just in the house at the same time as them.

As far as whether it’s normal, no, not in my experience. My husband is just as capable as I am at looking after our daughter, he even remembers to give her a drink, chats to her and plays with her rather than sticking her infront of a screen and gives her healthy snacks so I should probably go get him a gold medal now!

Lots of people have different standards when it comes to parenting. It can affect us when anyone close to us is very different in that way; think of someone coming for a play date in your house but they're allowed to throw bricks around their sitting room.

People don't imagine it will be the case with a co-parent, though. I think because they believe their romantic compatibility will spill into co-parenting unity.

The most common scenario is one who is like your husband, and one more like you. So no, you're not alone.

I used to think it was gendered, but as I've seen more same sex families through my work, I see that it actually isn't. It's just an area of compatibility you can't truly assess until you're living it.

For instance, both might agree with a self settling approach to sleeping before the baby arrives, but one person underestimated how that would feel in the moment.

I also have personal experience with this but what helped me is the realisation that if we weren't together, I'd have little to no say over how my partner parents when he has them. I'd have to let go because I wouldn't be supported in doing much else. It didn't help me because leaving was a real consideration, it just reminded me that plenty of parents have to accept that they are co-parents, not a solo parent with an assistant.

On his watch, he can do things his way.

I think a pp who suggested you should ask him how he would feel if YOU did this when in sole care of the children makes a good point.

I also think the mess or when you come home and no one has eaten... its reasonable to lose your shit a bit about that. Certainly, I have had situations in the past where I have come in ans basically said, "i am not dealing with this, I will leave it to you". Or pointed out that when he comes home, meals are.prepared, kitchen is tidy etc.

I also lost it once or twice when I came home and discovered he hadn't fed them. So.etimes the nuclear option is the only one.

Go out for longer and more often.

Let's say you return from the salon and the house is a tip and the dc are unfed and glued to YouTube.

You: "DH, the house is a tip. I'll just pop back out. Let me know when you've cleaned up and I'll be back. Love ya. Bye." And walk out the door.

If he doesn't sort out the mess he created, don't come back. You started out by saying he is a loving man and husband. So surely he's not just letting a huge mess accumulate in the expectation that his maid and. nanny (you) will clean up?