To not really like leaving the children with DH?

[blueberryshake]

DH is a loving man and husband who in his way does a lot for us. I’m not looking for either LTBs or accusations of being a martyr here, I’m genuinely just interested in how many other women are in the same position.

We have two children who are four and twenty months. As our second approaches two I’m getting a bit restless and wanting a bit of me time. I know it’s not going to be a lot but as much as I love them I’m literally either at work (three days a week) or have a child with me.

One of the problems is I really don’t like leaving them with DH. He has a tendency to focus on something to the point of obsessiveness, and when he does so everything else sort of ceases to exist so he doesn’t notice them needing something. An example, I had a hairdresser appointment Saturday morning, it was the first one since January, he forgot to give them drinks. Apparently he couldn’t find their water bottles. But both can drink from a cup or he could have bought water bottles with sports caps. He just doesn’t think.

Screen time - I have definitely had days when we’ve gone over the recommended daily amount but back to back peppa pig or complete garbage on YouTube (once found DS watching some absolute gibberish where I’m not even sure it was any language!) with trucks and diggers! He gives them his phone as well which I hate and it has started with me - asking for my phone if we have to wait a few minutes (I say no) but that’s where it’s come from.

The house - I do obviously get young children make a mess but honestly come back to the house looking like every charity shop in town has been ransacked with toys and puzzle pieces hopelessly mixed up and random stuff like Cushions strewn around the house and just crap everywhere.

And he placates them with snacks (another thing I hate) I wouldn’t mind if vaguely healthy but it’s quavers, biscuits, anything that shuts them up.

He is lazy but he parents fine when I’m kind of there to steer the ship. Without me it drifts into an ocean of snacks, screen time, mess and disarray.

Well, because I suppose I do think it’s normal, or at least within the realms of normality.

I say he’s a good dad because he is loving and caring, he provides well for us, we would all be for the worse without him to be sure. But the day to day stuff - he is pretty shit at it.

I agree that he needs more practice. He can also take them out if he finds that easier. He needs to get better at parenting -give him some suggestions/guidance and off you go.

He might not agree to the same standards though

It's not normal for an adult left in charge of children to not be interested in whether they are thirsty,hungry etc. That's not normal behaviour for anyone, let alone their father. I can't believe you could consider this a normal thing for an adult to do!

If you come home and it's a mess and the kids haven't had a meal, what is stopping you just saying "sort the kitchen out Brian it's a state in there and you better get the kids something for lunch they were supposed to eat at 12" - would he refuse or get abusive?

I would make it the priority to get on the same page about parenting decisions. Does he actively disagree with you about snacks and screen time etc or is it that you haven’t decided together how to want to raise the children?

Neither, no, but nor would he sort the kitchen, he just sort of faffs and fusses about.

@BrunchBarBandit , he doesn’t disagree with me, it’s just laziness really. As it is I think I’ll have to wait a while longer before getting a break - but it will happen one day!

Tell him (yet again) very clearly what the issues are, and then ask him whether he prefers to address the issue or to spend his money on getting proper childcare for the times you need you time.
He needs to understand that it is a matter of competence and that competence can be monetised. The only alternative is that you never go anywhere without the kids.

The problem is we do have different standards - he isn’t as fussed about diet or screen time (especially use of phones.)

He's their parent as well, you need to talk about it. Saying he's a good dad is wild though, no he's a lazy dad who can't be fucked to even do the basics for his children.

That is pretty much what happens now. I do occasionally, but only when unavoidable. And I dread it as I know I’ll return to carnage.

It’s really not normal, that.

he needs to shape up! You can’t live your life like this

Was he messy before you moved in together?

Would he be better taking them both out the house to an activity like swimming, park, nature walk, soft play etc?

Do you feel comfortable with everyone calling your husband a shit dad? Do you think that's true?

It is strategic incompetence for sure but I think the best way to deal with it is the make sure you leave them with him more. We all have a system that works, for some they tidy as they go, for others they make a huge mess and tidy later. But usually when you have dealt with the consequences of a poor system you seek to make it better. So if tidying up takes ages for him he might rethink it. If kids snack too much then end up not eating dinner or being difficult at bed time he will rethink it. Likewise if they watch too much TV they will end up hyper or difficult. Let him be alone for longer periods, long enough to see the backlash of his lazy parenting. Don't arrive home to help with anything, stay out long enough that he gets the chance to reflect.

It's a very difficult situation you are in but I know a few people who were similar and they ended up being really controlling never trusting partner with the kids and becoming martyrs too, it's not a good way to live.

You're attempting to sound blasé about this, but I know how gutting and lonely it is doing it all by yourself when you're supposed to have a teammate.

It really isn't on. You shouldn't accept this.

I’ve got 3 under 6, and I would never have the expectation of arriving home to a tidy house after DH has had them for the day. Same the other way round - DH never expects the house to be tidy when arriving home. We do a tidy with the DC before dinner time, then DH and I tidy together for about 20-30 mins once DC are in bed.

DH definitely gives more screen time than me, but it doesn’t bother me that much. We never give the DC our phones (we learned that lesson the hard way with DC1!) so that would definitely annoy me.

DH is good about feeding the DC, but probably takes them to Macdonalds for an icecream and playground if he’s got them all day. It’s the only place nearby to easily feed the baby, and occupy the toddler and oldest if the weather is bad (which is always!). I wouldn’t do it myself, but if it gets them out of the house and DH feels that it helps manage the DC, then fine. Not ideal, but I make sure we have an extra healthy dinner on those days. He’s definitely not given them enough water sometimes, but they haven’t died of thirst. It would be a different story if, say, he didn’t feed the baby enough milk or put their health in serious danger.

I don’t know, maybe my parenting standards are really low!?

See I didn’t think you were being a martyr until this bit… I think I’ll have to wait a little longer before getting a break. Why? Sit him down tell him he needs to as a minimum make sure the kids are fed and watered and have some fresh air as you will be going out for a few hours. He will only learn by being left to it, surely you could text him after an hour - how are the kids, are they fed blah blah shouldn’t have to but I’m sure most people check in on kids when they are out. Out of interest what would happen if you were to fall ill or have a a stay in hospital?

No, I don’t think it’s true. Cliche but I’m providing a snapshot. DH is lazy: that’s the brunt of it really.

He was quite messy tbf @wizzywig

That's really weird behaviour from him.
Would he go and stand in the kitchen and faff?
Is he waiting for you to get fed up and take over?
Sounds like you need some couples therapy, there are deep seated issues here.

@Devilsmommy . Well said. weaponised incompetence.

Tbh I don’t think it’s normal, but also (especially if you read threads on here) it’s not uncommon, sadly. I don’t see why supposedly intelligent guys who hold down careers (presumably) can’t think to give children drinks on a hot day as you describe. To me that’s common sense, and also if my husband couldn’t deal with watching our son for four hours I’d lose a massive amount of respect for him.

We don’t automatically get a manual, women are expected to “just know” what to do and as you say, have some standards. Basically we cope because no one trails behind us (usually) picking up the mess. And I say this as someone who has a very hands on partner who thankfully I don’t have to train to parent his child. I do however see this sort of almost weaponised incompetence in a few friends husbands, basically with the “but you do it better so why bother” attitude. Two have divorced and one is basically sticking it out “for the kids” but I can’t say it looks like a loving relationship to be stuck in, lots of resentment.

Basically, not all men and from my experience MOST men aren’t this hopeless with their kids and so my feeling is the men who don’t hit any sort of standard are making choices not to. He could take some initiative and get better, he could read books or chat to mates, he could plan his time with them, take them out the house, he could ask for advice from you even. He’s seemingly fine with you coming home stressed again and again, meekly apologising for his failings and then repeating the cycle. Basically, he could do better couldn’t he, but he’s not. Maybe ask why?

Are you joking??

My DH is similar - much quicker than me to turn on the TV, lets DS play games on his phone, both of which I find infuriating. He also loves taking them out with a ball to the park - would your DH do similar? What’s he actually doing while the kids are watching telly?

He's not cleaning up because he doesn't want to. It's not fun. It's tedious and tiring. And if he faffs and fails, you'll do it for him.

Ditto his version of 'childcare'. He is just making sure the dc are alive until you - their actual caregiver - return.

None of this is your fault, OP. It's absolutely his fault.

You can't change him. You can

1. Change your reaction to his laziness and casual disregard for you. Ie, refuse to play this stupid game.

2. Leave. (Really a subset of #1)

3. Accept the situation and continue as you are.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.