AIBU to be annoyed mum is on holiday over 2nd babys due date?

[Mumblebumble1]

My parents split their time between the UK (40 mins away) and Spain.

My second baby is due on 19th July, they have booked to be in Spain from 3rd -18th July. They booked this since finding out the due date. They book flights around £25 each way, so could easily rearrange but won't.

I'm not really sure now what to do with DS when I go into labour. AIBU to expect my mum to be around to look after DS when I'm in hospital?

Just feeling really let down by my parents!

@Mumblebumble1 as a mother to grown up children and who also has a home abroad, I think your parents are reprehensible.

Not a grandparent yet or expecting to be in the next nine months but I'd have told my dd and dil that we had put France on hold pending emergencies. My only potential competing issue at present is my 89 year old mother.

At least they haven't let you down AFTER you asked, like mine did. Agreed to be the primary childcare, then promptly booked a holiday the week leading up to due date. Luckily, timing was in our favour and MIL happened to be already babysitting for us for a rare date night while I went into labour, so it did work out! I did ask all my friends, and even my next door neighbour if they'd help in an emergency though just to put my mind at ease 😂

@BexAubs20 neither of my elder dds wanted anyone but their dh with them when they gave birth/ afterwards. I would have been there at the drop of a hat! We did see our gc when they were a few days old but that was that. Dd1 has since asked for my help eg on kit days and I love being able to do that and spend time with her and my gd (about 2 hours away). Dd2 is expecting her 2nd baby but for various reasons she seems to prefer having friends babysit. I will be available though.

If they weren’t told, YABU.

I know I’d stick around if it was my child but I’m very paranoid about childbirth complications and I guess maybe for them it’s not your first baby so it’s… fine? However I have friends whose parents go off on holidays during Christmas, which to me is absolutely bizarre, so it really depends on the family.

Not sure what your problem is?

Didn’t want to see our parents for at least 3 weeks.

Well maybe she will feel like that, but I didn’t. I looked after both parents until they died, because they were old and vulnerable and I loved them. I didn’t begrudge them the years of healthy retirement they’d worked so hard for.

@RosesAndHellebores I'm finding myself a bit squeezed too - my parents are in their 80s ( my only sibling died last year), I have 2 dd in their 30s with young dc (one pregnant) and I still have one dc at school. I also have to work as I can't retire until I'm 67.

If OP's parents are sending her a message that they won't prioritise her childcare needs over their own lives, even when she is giving birth, they shouldn't feel bad when OP doesn't prioritise their care needs when they are much older. If it's good for them to set boundaries, it will be fine when OP does the same.

Luckily OP has a very nice MIL who will come over when she goes into labour. I hope her parents make arrangements for their old age that don't involve OP.

Your having a baby your mum is not and it`s her time to do what she wants now.
You have a husband to help they are his kids.

Luckily OP has a very nice MIL who will come over when she goes into labour. I hope her parents make arrangements for their old age that don't involve OP.

If she has a lovely helpful MIL where’s the problem?

Just because they're due then doesn't mean baby will appear on time. And even if you did go into labour on your due date, they'll be bAck by then?

I’ve been following this thread and I’m baffled by the wide range of responses.

Theres a massive gap in what people would consider reasonable behaviour towards the birth of a grandchild.

For me, the grandparents are planning to visit around the birth date and be there for two weeks after. Completely fair enough and a potentially nicely timed visit to support mums recovery and babies first few days in the world.

Because the grandparents may not be there for the labour itself and the (not formerly communicated childcare ask) people are acting like these are the worst grandparents in the world and who are worthy of diminished care support when they age older. This is absurd!!

Have people considered that the OP’s in-laws could make the trip at short notice. Why does it always have to be the females parents to support at the drop of a hat. They don’t live here 100% of the time. Are they expected to put their own life on hold for a month for this?

Being there to support a mum and baby on the first few days is different to being the on call babysitter for another child.

Also without a doubt it’s always different with a second and subsequent child to how it was with the first. It’s always the way.

@Mumblebumble1 it seems your focus is on having childcare available rather than grandparents meeting their grandchild.
Your initial post says AIBU to expect them to be there to look after DS. This actually makes it sound like you only want them around because they are doing you a favour.

My parents went away on a last minute holiday for 2 weeks when my second child was due, even though they were meant to look after my oldest, while I was giving birth. My mom told me to keep the baby inside until they got back! 🤦‍♀️ she missed the birth, my dc’s 1st and 2nd birthday due to being on holiday and it looks like she is going to be missing the 3rd birthday too. They expect me to celebrate my dc’s birthday early or late, which I refuse to do!

There's a 5 week window of when a baby is considered "full term" for birth. While the first couple of weeks of that window are less likely to be when baby is born, it's a huge imposition to assume that grandparents will be avaliable to do childcare for the birth. Especially when they are regularly away.

Having avaliable, local, interested parents of the right lifestyle and state of health (including being alive) to be able to help out is a luxury. It isn't something to take for granted and feel entitled to. When people don't have that fortunate combination, they have to wing it, swap favours and be heavily compromised.

When you do have that fortunate combination, look after that relationship, and communicate with each other, not assume then be annoyed that they're living their own lives.

I don’t think YABU. I didn’t specifically ask my parents - it was obvious I’d need their help to look after DS when DD was born, just as my Nana had looked after my sister for my parents when I was born.
I understand mumsnetters are saying you should have asked them but really you shouldn’t need to. They should want to be there for you.
if I were you I would speak to them and ask them to change their dates.

I honestly now wouldn’t want them. Fuck ‘em off and slot them in when it suits you.
this is right out of my own parents playbook. They are incredibly selfish (most recent example of them booking a thoughtless holiday is too outing but trust me - they are unbearably selfish) there’d be no rush from me to let them breeze back for the photo opps.

Similar happened when I was expecting my first.
My Mam's holiday was booked first and although I'd never suggest she reschedule her holiday, I would have been gutted if she missed the day baby was born.
Due date 6 Nov.
Mam due to return from holiday 10 Nov.
Baby arrived on 10 Nov.
It's like baby knew and hung on in there 😀

Yes, it’s op’s life, baby, problem, yada yada…but they are her parents no less. You don’t stop caring about your children and their lives just because they are now adults, otherwise what’s the bloody point in having family.

Suggesting that she should give birth alone because her parents feel like a holiday is harsh and not something I would do to my own daughter. The daughter I am expecting in June, and funnily enough my mum planned her holiday in May so she’ll be around when the baby is born and she can help with my oldest.

I actually do feel bad for op and I think her feelings are understandable.

Personally, I think a new mum needs her mother, at birth and for a while afterwards. So I would always stick around, no matter the inconvenience. I don't want to provide regular childcare, but I would always be there for the first few months.
I am baffled as I usually think GPs are taken advantage of! Not here though.

Why? the world does not revolve around someone making the choice to have children

Of course lots of people are not as lucky with the family support or availability and have to find ways to work around the situation.

The issue here is that op does have available family who are choosing not to support her. She’s well within her right to feel hurt by this.

I don’t hear people calling elderly parents selfish or entitled when they eventually need more support from their own children, who inevitably have to put their lives on hold for a while. Our society only ever seems to view mothers in need as entitled if they dare ask for help.

Nobody suggested she give birth alone. (she is very fortunate to have PIL’s right here in the UK).

And nobody suggested parents should stop caring for their adult children. But asking them to relocate for what could be 5-6 weeks in the event the baby arrived at any of these possible delivery dates is wild. Especially when she has other support that’s not a flight away.

A much more practical solution would be to split the childcare need between PIL’s and parents. Have them on ‘standby’ over different weeks. That way the parents from travelling from abroad aren’t sitting around for weeks waiting.

Oh just stop it! A new grandchild should be something to celebrate.
its not like they’re down a mine and this is the only 2 weeks they can go. They are 50/50 - it’s a choice - if remember that choice.