AIBU to be annoyed mum is on holiday over 2nd babys due date?

[Mumblebumble1]

My parents split their time between the UK (40 mins away) and Spain.

My second baby is due on 19th July, they have booked to be in Spain from 3rd -18th July. They booked this since finding out the due date. They book flights around £25 each way, so could easily rearrange but won't.

I'm not really sure now what to do with DS when I go into labour. AIBU to expect my mum to be around to look after DS when I'm in hospital?

Just feeling really let down by my parents!

I think you are being unreasonable in assuming that they would be there particular as you formed a birth plan that assumed they would be. They don’t live here 100% of the time and therefore you can’t expect them to be here on call when your baby decides to make an appearance.

if your husband is part of your birth plan to be there then who did you think would look after your DS. If you planned your parents then I would expect you would have had to ask them? Not just assume. why not ask your in-laws to travel nearer to you as the due date nears? They won’t be restricted by flights and cancellation costs etc.

as your mum relies on flight times and costs it’s not like she can be super flexible?

I can see why they planned those dates too. They make sense to me to maximise the time they can be there to help.

What is wrong with these parents . I would want to be there for my child / grandchildren.

Were your grandparents involved in your upbringing? X

But presumably you live here the rest of the time? If so then it’s not the same thing.

Well in years to come, you won’t be around and they can go in a care home and even the grandchildren won’t visit. Tough on them. My parents have always helped at a moments notice. I’m so sorry you don’t have the same support xx

My mum lives 300 miles away and the moment I went into labour she drove to be with me. I didn’t have to ask, she is my mum and she knew I’d need her. I can’t imagine ever making the decision to be away from my dd’s close to their due date in the future. I suppose all families are different but I’m with you OP I’d be pretty sad they made that decision.

Yabu to just expect them to babysit, especially if you didn’t actually ask them.
Yanbu, however, to feel disappointed that they are flying out when they are. That would tell me they aren’t that interested in even seeing baby and spending time with you both.

Whats the relationship like generally?
Are they normally active and involved grandparents? If not then it’s very sad, not that unexpected, but their loss.

It wasn't rude, it was perhaps heavy handed. I said I was sorry for your loss. But I took issue with what I see as using a bereavement to downplay the OP's legitimate problem. It happens so often on threads about mums and it bothers me that people who want space to vent about their mums get shut down with the "at least you have a mum" line.

Gently YABU to expect it, but you already know that by now. Unfortunately, as you’re about to find out, no one’s really as fussed after the first 🙊

sorry didn’t press send so hope the thread hasn’t moved on too much!

Yeah I think the lesson learned is to ask outright if you would like someone’s help. It may not even have crossed their mind- and you must know your parents better than your group of friends, so must have some idea what they’re like to anticipate or not.

I would make sure you’ve got back up plans for all contingencies, but if you’d like them to be there, ask them to be around if the baby comes on or after due date. Many second babies are late, not just firsts.

One woman posted yesterday they would be the type of grandmother to only send 5.00 in card and not help out. I wouldn't want to miss the birth of a grandchild and see that my daughter was ok.

Might be an idea for the would be parents to involve their parents in the family planning then before they start trying

I think the issue is that I assumed they would be here.

Never a good idea to assume anything imo, OP, especially when it involves people who spend a lot of time overseas being present.

But maybe (as I think others have said) they planned their flights so as to be back to see you when the baby is born? Which would be reasonable having not been asking to babysit.

It always jumps out at me in the "grandparents should be providing childcare" posts how there's almost always that segue from "they" (poster's parents in the plural) should be doing it to "she" (the female parent) should. Why?

Don't either you or your DH have a sibling or close friend who would help nearby?

But yeah, it is a weird thing for them (both of them) to do.

Had you never actually asked them if they’d be here and available to help with other DC? It might not have occurred to them, are you very close and do they usually provide childcare for existing DC?

I know several families where the DGM is the last person they’d want to ask for help during a second birth so maybe my viewpoint is skewered. Including my own, I’d have actively made plans with someone for helping with DC, definitely not with my own family.

People are being so weird. No wonder society and community is in free fall if people don’t think it’s normal for grandparents to be excited and around for the birth of their grandchild.
What has happened to people. It’s not like it’s a long planned trip of a lifetime. It’s their second home where they go back and forth.

im not surprised people are struggling with a lack of any feeling of family

Problem is as others have said, they could be on stand by for a month or indeed nearly 2 if they want to be around soon after the birth too.

This. Expecting them to put their lives on hold for, say, 4 weeks (to allow for early and late arrivals) is asking a lot imo, especially as they routinely spend a lot of time abroad.

Your title is misleading! They are due back the day before your baby is due! Yes, babies arrive early but equally they can arrive late. By your own admission you assumed they would be there! Why assume instead of asking?

I would be upset - your labour is more likely to be faster and less babysitting required so you could ask a friend to be on standby. Many people would go out of their way to help you if they’re asked.

I think you’re being unreasonable.

You are suppose to use your words and communicate your needs to the people around you. Don’t assume people can read your mind.

I know you cannot plan when your baby arrives and they would potentially be on hold for a month. However, with my first they made sure they were in the UK the month of my due date, so I assumed (again, shouldn't have done) when I told them of this baby they would be in the UK around the due date.

I messaged this morning to check when they would next be away and was told I should 'cross my legs' so the baby doesn't come when they are away.

They have asked myself and siblings to change our flights when visiting them (at our own cost) so thought for the birth of a grandchild they would change them.

I'm just thankful I do have supportive PIL, even though they are a bit further away!

I'm so sorry for your loss 😔 I lost someone close to me 7 weeks before my first born arrived, I know how you feel xxx

So sorry to hear about your Mum. 💚💚💚

Ah that's a pain, but I think people are often a bit oblivious about the logistics! My parents booked a holiday for when I was about 37 weeks after we'd been told there was a high chance of baby coming early. I wasn't too bothered until they kept asking me (after having booked) if I thought it was going to be ok or if they were going to miss it. How was I meant to know?! 😂 As it happened they flew out the day I had an EMCS. No hard feelings. If you have a good relationship I'd ask if there's any chance of them helping or if they'd prefer you ask someone else. Totally fair for you to want your partner with you. All the best, OP 💐

I was actually thinking something similar. My mother was not available to help when I had my first child because my father was dying of cancer and she was caring for him. She wasn't available to help with my second child because she was dying of cancer and I was taking care of her. She wasn't available to help with my third child because she was dead.