AIBU to be annoyed mum is on holiday over 2nd babys due date?

[Mumblebumble1]

My parents split their time between the UK (40 mins away) and Spain.

My second baby is due on 19th July, they have booked to be in Spain from 3rd -18th July. They booked this since finding out the due date. They book flights around £25 each way, so could easily rearrange but won't.

I'm not really sure now what to do with DS when I go into labour. AIBU to expect my mum to be around to look after DS when I'm in hospital?

Just feeling really let down by my parents!

With the state of the NHS and lack of midwives, it can be pretty important for the dh to be at the birth.

My dh had to catch the baby when I was in the delivery suite due to the fact there were no midwives there. that was 20 years ago, and the lack of midwives has got worse, not better I understand.

Get over yourself.
They have a life too. Did you even ask them to be around/available to you?

Seems as if your mum planned to be back for due date and probably anticipating that baby might be late thought that would be completely fine. I think you should have someone else on standby just in case but they are planning to be there for the due date. Which is good of them, they could of stayed in Spain all summer!

Ffs the guilt tripping here. Shes’s due to have a second baby and everyone is like ‘did you ask????’
my mum died when i was 23 and i woiuld never have ecpected to ask. My mum would have cancelled all plans and not thought twice about it. I would do the same for my daughter.
i’m sorry you had to ask. I wouldn’t have expected to and hoped i wouldn’t have had to.
yanbu in my opinion

This seems most obvious solution. OP might not have a husband or boyfriend.

I would arrange for your in-laws to come a bit earlier than your due date and support you and your child while you are giving birth. Send your mum a postcard letting her know when you get around to it.

Of course you're not at all unreasonable to want your mum to watch your oldest so your husband can be by your side. Asking her to do that and them if they would plan their travel to be home for a few weeks before your due date would have been a completely reasonable thing to do. It's not even unreasonable to be disappointed that their planned trip might mean she's unavailable.

But blaming your mum for not anticipating your completely unarticulated wishes is not reasonable. Your mum wasn't at the hospital with your for your last delivery and she's only watched your oldest a few times in his life, so it's not surprising that she expected her role this time to be the same as the last - come for a lovely visit to meet the baby when you get home - and made her plans accordingly. You and your DH are the ones responsible for making plans (and backup plans) and communicating what help you need/want.

I think it was actually fine to ask (not demand) if your parents can shift their flights but the request definitely needed to start with an acknowledgment that it was your lapse in communciation that lead to the scheduling clash, not them doing anything wrong.

I'm truly shocked at some of the replies on here....if you are mums or like me a grandparent what's on earth has happened to you all....this woman is having a second baby...she obviously want her partner to be there at this special....and painful moment x yes of course she needs help looking after her first child....its only natural to think her Mum ....just might think about trying to be around if needed..plus other grandparents..or family members.....and yes they can get on with normal life etc...but have phone by side if called.....not go abroad 🤔 x

We get a year maternity leave in UK, it's usa that only gets 2 weeks

Ahh I’m sorry your life isn’t pampered enough you have such low expectations in terms of what to expect during one of the biggest events in the family.
your comment is mean and patronising! Of course the father would have to look after the toddler if there’s no other option…. BUT not sure if you’re aware an arrival of a baby is a big deal - a massive deal! For everyone in a healthy supportive family! For the mother, the father, the siblings and grandparents. I’m sorry you need it to be explained to you. The midwives although v important during the birth are not the father of the baby.
you’re making it out like the OP wants to go to the cinema and now that her mother is away she has to go alone 🙄
my parents flew from another country two weeks before my due date with DC2 to be here for help, all my friends parents that live locally were on stand by around their GC birth, (none of them do any regular childcare). I thought it’s just a normal thing to have a support of your parents if they’re present and not selfish. That’s what I do for my friends and family too.

the expectation I guess is wrong on your part but I absolutely would have expected the same.
Mine wouldn’t have dreamed of it.

you mention siblings. Are any of them close enough? Sounds like PIL will drop what they can when the time comes though and they’ll be happy to oblige

I think some people are missing the fact they live abroad half the time. They aren't just popping over for a holiday!
They haven't been involved with much childcare previously and aren't psychic to know that the OP wanted them to help this time. It would have helped if the OP had said when telling them the news how they would really like it if they were here before the due date and would like their help with DS, not asking them after the flights had been booked.

That thread is about grandparents, but particularly mothers rather than fathers, being expected to provide regular care for their grandchildren.

OP has said:

'There is no expectation on them to provide free regular childcare, they have watched my son twice in 3 years.'

Hoping that they would step up to look after OP's first child while she is giving birth to her second is hardly being entitled. Them not doing it will definitely spoil their relationship.

I’d be upset if my parents did that. Do you think they specifically do not want to baby sit?
my mum made a point to not book anything that she couldn’t cancel a month before baby 2 and 3

So OP would be alone during labour?

OP's parents have only ever looked after her child twice in three years so they are hardly doting grandparents. In fact, they sound absolutely shit.

Luckily, OP has a lovely MIL who lives a few hours away but will travel to help her son and DIL when she goes into labour.

They do have a life that doesn't seem to include OP and her family. They have looked after her child twice in three years so are obviously pretty shit grandparents. OP is disappointed as they are her parents and she would like their support.

As she doesn't have this, she has said that her lovely MIL will come and look after her older child while she is in labour.

I agree with this. It's how it SHOULD be but obviously everyone has different levels of standards/kindness and consideration, and selfishness 😟

Yep. And this magnified 100 x if it’s the DH’s parents!

Loved your reaction to this! I do feel for you and not sure why MissingPop is so angry. You don't sound entitled at all, just hurt that she wouldn't want to be there and to help more than anything. My Mum wouldn't have even thought about being away when I was due and I think most mums would be exactly the same - thankfully. Good luck and hope you have a happy, healthy baby xx

You could either 1) ask them if they could please be there before your due date as you are concerned you might go into labour early
2) ask a good friend if they can step up and help .
When I lived overseas I had no help whatsoever.
A new neighbour moved in next door to us who had a small child and was in the early stages of pregnancy.
We became friends and I offered to help her day or night when she was worried about going into labour before her mum arrived from another country .
We set up a travel cot all ready for her little daughter, plus a few supplies just in case I needed to take the little one day or night .
I also prepared to pick up her child from baby / toddler care too if necessary.
She offered the same to me when I got pregnant with my 2nd .
My child was a bit older ( school age ) so wouldn’t have been too difficult to look after in an emergency

Yanbu I couldn't imagine a world in which I would leave my DD and go on holiday in this situation.

Husband/partner? In-laws? Friends/neighbours? Does seem odd to me, but all parents are different. Have you been taking them for granted, and they're a bit miffed?

I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to think that your Mum would want to be around when you go into labour. I would never have to ask my Mum this, and she would never arrange to be away so close to due date (even if I hadn’t asked!). But what is your relationship with your parents like? Could this just be a lack of communication?

That’s sad OP. I don’t think many women would disappear abroad whilst their daughter is due to givr birth

I think most people (nowadays) need family to help when baby no 2 comes along: it’s not unreasonable to expect help from your own mother