AIBU to be annoyed mum is on holiday over 2nd babys due date?

[Mumblebumble1]

My parents split their time between the UK (40 mins away) and Spain.

My second baby is due on 19th July, they have booked to be in Spain from 3rd -18th July. They booked this since finding out the due date. They book flights around £25 each way, so could easily rearrange but won't.

I'm not really sure now what to do with DS when I go into labour. AIBU to expect my mum to be around to look after DS when I'm in hospital?

Just feeling really let down by my parents!

Exactly!

I think in most circumstances parents want to be around to help. I know my DM and MIL were both on stand by for us incase we needed them, and we did. I have 3 DDs and I couldnt imagine being on holiday around the time of their due date, I absolutely want to be there for anything they might need. Its unreasonable to expect the help if you havent spoken to them though, but its not unreasonable to want them around, and want them to want to be around for you. Your mistake was assuming rather than just asking them.

I know that if it was my child I would be around on stand by.

Its so much easier to make these commitments in hypothetical situations 🤣

Agree - yes, logically she should have asked, they aren't mindreaders, etc., etc. The honest truth is that my parents would rather chew their own hands off than have me give birth on my own because DH had to stay with my older child, so no, I never needed to ask them to be around for the birth of DC2 and yes, I'd be hurt if I was the OP.

It appears that your parents are planning to return before your due date anyway?
You certainly aren’t unreasonable to want your mum to be around to support you, but it is a bit unreasonable to have made an assumption and hence not actually asked them to be around to look after your older child, and it’s probably a bit much to expect them to change the dates of their flight, I would think that a £25 flight is an out of season, booked in advance, no luggage flight, and it would be a case of cancelling their current flight with no refund and booking again at a higher cost. Nothing to stop you asking them and maybe offering to pay for a new flight for them.

The other thing is that, although you have a ‘due date’, unless this is a booking for an elective caesarean, it’s very much an estimated DD, and you could just as likely go into labour two weeks early, or still be hanging on a week later, so, chances are even if your parents do change their flights and come back a couple of days earlier, it might not change their ability to be around for you.

Can’t imagine not being available for my now grown up sons & their partners, not just during pregnancy but other major events. They absolutely take it for granted that me and DH will help out. I don’t wait to be asked I always offer which probably makes me one of those awful MIL’s I’m always reading about on here 😂

Not unreasonable to want them around but YABU to just assume they’ll be around to do the childcare for you.

Where's dad and his parents in all this. I had my first (and only baby) an 11hr drive from my parents and would NEVER have expected them to drop everything to be on hand for any reason whether it be free child care or whatever. Sorry to be blunt but it's Your child, it's your choice and its your problem.

This exactly
Daughter due end of July ...first baby
Already made decision that we would not take a holiday this summer....I'm a teacher so it's late July /August or nothing !

Do your parents work / have other commitments?

Regardless, you needed to ask, sounds like they’ve booked to come back on before you’re due. They don’t know what you’re thinking and you don’t know what they’re thinking until you do

You may have assumed your parents would be available, but I do think your parents would have double checked with you before booking the flights.

How is your relationship with your parents in general?

I'm confused - they have booked to be back day before you are due. Unless there is a reason your likely to have baby early like complications or planned section I don't see the issue surely it's better than arranging to go later?
If they wait til your due date then you are maybe a week or 2 late it might be too late for them to organise their trip and it won't be cheap as will be school hols.

Unless you’re having a planned section then it’s very unlikely you’ll give birth on your due date anyway. You have a partner, who will have to look after your son if your parents aren’t able. Yes he may miss the birth but that’s just how it works when you have a second child. Things don’t always go to plan. If it was that important to you, you should have asked them.

Yes you're correct actually. They are planning to be back when she really needs the support.

I would be pretty upset if I were you tbh. They knew that you had a child already, where did they think he is supposed to be? And I’m sure your mum knows that due date is just approximate date. Their flight could be delayed, they might be tired, not well after travel, they would have unpacking to do etc etc.
I could see their point of going before in case you would need them after but they could at least ask you.

I think you are not being unreasonable.

op is not entitled. It’s not a big ask is it to look after your grandchild whilst you’re in labour with another.

all these women saying did you actually ask. I never needed to ask my mum she was called and I said mum I’m in labour and she got in her car drove to me had my children at my house over night both times. You’re right to be annoyed.

I feel your pain. With my second, my mum booked a holiday in Tibet, and my in laws booked a UK coach trip. DH was also potentially working abroad, but at least he was trying to rearrange. I felt really abandoned. In the end I think the coach trip fell through and my mum rearranged her trip saying "I don't know what I was thinking." Because I didn't feel I could rely on family, I asked friends and I had a number of people on standby to look after my older child and to be a birth partner in case DH was abroad. I then felt much more relaxed about it and weirdly more supported than if I was relying on family. Luckily DH was able to come home in time and my friend was the ideal person to look after DC1as she lived around the corner and he was super comfortable with her.

The relationship I have with my mum, she was expecting to be staying with us a week before my due date, without us discussing a thing! I had to tell her I'd rather she didn't (and she understood). I would be offended if my mum did that, I'd worry because it would be so out of character. But I don't know what your relationship is like.

They're not as local as yours, but neither my parents nor in laws offered to have dc1 while I had dc2.

Millions like me - a friend stepped in.

Luckily it was a straightforward birth and I was in and out of hospital within about 8 hours.

My in laws did this with both of our babies and it upset me no end. They did actually end up being here for the birth of DC1 but only because she decided to come via emergency c section and not the scheduled one. With DC2 they weren’t here until he was 3 weeks old because they’d gone away despite covid being rife.

My parents on the other hand planned their holiday so they’d be back about a week before DC1 arrived however in actual fact she arrived the same day they were travelling home so they came to the hospital before even going home first!

Problem is as others have said, they could be on stand by for a month or indeed nearly 2 if they want to be around soon after the birth too. If you don't have a busy life or live nearby and easy to drop things at a moment's notice then it is much easier to be available rather than being on stand by for that long.

We only had one DC so we never had this issue, but we did look after a friend's DD when she went in to labour with her second child, so her DH could be with her. They had a few false starts so DD went to stay with another friend the next day (first friend wasn't available on the first night and they were first on the list for DD sleepover, so didn't want to disappoint their DD). Neither of the parents had family nearby.

Same! I booked a trip to Edinburgh with my friends for mid November. A week later my daughter announced she was pregnant with first child, due at that time….. I told friends I would not be able to make trip.

There is no way I would not be local to any of my children when they were due to have babies, anything else is alien to me!

I’m so sorry for your loss

I think you're right to be peed off, as you say they "could easily rearrange but won't".

The vibe I'm getting is that this isn't the first time you've felt overlooked (I might be wrong though)

I think being in the same country as your daughter who's giving birth is the least you could ask!

Right, well, I think it's a dick move to try and put OP's problem "into perspective" by basically saying "at least you have a mum." Shall we all put our problems into perspective on all these AIBU threads? I mean, on the "my DH pissed me off" threads shall we pop up and say "at least you have a DH"? No? So why is it OK to do it on threads where the OP has a legitimate problem with her mum? It undermines the thread, and tries to minimise a legitimate problem.