Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

I think people have completely missed the point of this thread.

It doesn't matter if the OP had requested a hen involving a pint and a bag of crisps at her local, or a month on Mars. It doesn't matter if randoms on the internet love what she's planning or would rather rip their own eyes out. It also doesn't matter if they could afford it with some loose change from down the back of the sofa or would have to sell a kidney to take part.

She's upset because several of her friends agreed to go and have now collectively discussed it behind her back and pulled out, despite the fact that what she is planning sounds consistent with the norms of her friend group and that she personally has gone on their similar hens in the past. Unless the OP is being misleading, it doesn't sound like the slight increase in cost is really the determining factor here.

OP, I think YANBU to be upset, although uninviting these friends from your wedding would not be the wisest course of action, which you have already acknowledged.

I think the best thing for your own peace of mind would be to assume 'best intentions' - that your friends have not deliberately acted badly and perhaps have stuff going on which you don't know about. Then put it behind you and focus on having a lovely time, even if the plan has to change a bit.

£170+ each for a beach bar is not a "slight" increase

cancel your fancy expensive hen do and have something local all your friends can afford to attend.

Is it about having your friends around you to celebrate? or is it about you having a fancy do at other people's expense?

the fact you are even considering cancelling their wedding invitations speaks volumes - about you. These girls aren't your friends, they are your room meat, instagram fillers, rent-a-crowd.

Social media.

I've never understood this whole let the friends arrange your hen do, this is why.

But that's subjective.

If her friends are all high earning with a lot of disposable income, and who typically choose to spend money on travelling and going out, then £170 may genuinely be no big deal. The OP is best placed to judge this, based on past behaviour of the group.

If her friends' circumstances have changed which means it has become a big deal, then the correct way of handling it would be to be upfront and let the organiser or the OP know directly, rather than orchestrate a mass bailing.

Then coming on a public forum is probably not going to get the responses the OP is looking for as for the majority of the population being thrown an extra bill for amounts such as that would need to be a consideration

Financially my friend group are probably similar to OPs but even I would be pissed off at extra expenses being added after the original amount were discussed

Marriage used to be a celebration of moving from single status, to buying and equipping a home to move in together.

Now it's simply obtaining a certificate, as all the above has already taken place.
There's no transition of living status to celebrate, it's just an excuse to party at other people's expense and show off on SM.

Get under someone else? On a hen do?

How does that work exactly?

Are you all going to clear out of your expensive villa and give your friend some alone time with whoever she picks up in some club in Ibiza? Or would you be happy for her to go off and spend the night in some stranger's hotel room?

I can't think of any way your friend might "get under someone else" at your hen do in Ibiza which wouldn't involve her putting herself at serious risk, away from her friends, in a foreign country, having probably consumed a lot of alcohol.

I'm starting to wonder what your idea of friendship actually is.

It's really cheeky to expect friends to leave the country just because you're getting married. I don't get it at all. Why should they spend hundreds (if not more!) of pounds on your hen do? And then no doubt they will need to spend more on your wedding! How important do you actually think you are?

In years gone by people would have had a night in the local pub, job done. Everyone has a good time and nobody breaks the bank. Weddings and related celebrations are getting ridiculous.

If OP is cheeky her friends are equally cheeky as she attending foreign hens for them.

I agree with PP the point of the thread has been lost - 5 friends have had a conversation separately and dumped texts into a group chat that they’re pulling out of an event, and didn’t have the decency to call OP up and just say it to her directly. Who wouldn’t be upset about that! It’s never a nice feeling knowing people have made a decision about something without you and agreed on how to break it to you. Have they done it this way because OP has gone ultimate bridezilla? We don’t know. Have they done it because they’re crap friends? We don’t know.

The question/point of the thread was ‘would I be wrong to say they can’t attend the wedding’ and everyone - INCLUDING OP - very quickly ascertained that that is not the right course of action. The majority of posts since have just been manic spitting about money/finances, Ocean Beach, spoiled women, social media, influencers, foreign hens… people are easily wound up by certain topics on this site!

Classy.

Agree.

People seem to think the important parts of marriage are the multiple hen dos, the wedding itself and the 'reveal' photos on SM afterwards.

Sure people don't think/realise about the ACTUAL marriage itself. What will all these immature girls focus on when the hen dos are over and the day itself is over. Utter lunacy.

OP, although I think all your plans are verrrryyyy excessive and frankly a bit batshit, there's something about the fact that you're taking all the criticism in your stride endearing.

So enjoy your multiple celebrations with all those who attend.

This is turning on to a bit of a pile on. Op has every right to organise what ever she wants for her hen night and wedding, but more importantly other people are entitled to pull out or not attend for what ever reason

That's awful.
You're showing no empathy whatsoever.

It's a phrase and it's clearly a joke

That’s where you’ve gone wrong! I blooming loved Pacha before I had kids 😂

I'm still completely puzzled about these incredibly expensive stag and hen dos. I am, admittedly, at the older end of the Mumsnet spectrum, but what's wrong with going on an evening out together, or spending a spa day together? Why does it have to be this atronomically expensive and time-consuming 'destination' do?

I've been married twice. My first wedding was a traditional white wedding affair - not as expensive as today's can be - lovely wedding dress, nice dresses for the bridesmaids, a reception at a local hotel. No favours, no band, no first dance - just friends and family getting together.

The marriage didn't last, and tbh, I found the whole wedding thing a bit exhausting. I was ready to leave after the ceremony, but it was good to see friends and family.

The marriage didn't last. It was a bit doomed, tbh, as we were both very young and my ex was dominant and abusive. My second marriage, we just went to the registry office with a couple of friends to act as witnesses. No hen, no stag, no reception. Friedns and family joined us at the pub for lunch afterwards. I loved it and so did my DH. We remaiend happily married until his death five years ago. It's the marriage that counts, not the wedding.

I hope none of your friends are on here as this is very outing!

It's the marriage that counts, not the wedding.

Exactly. I am puzzled by the sheer waste of money, apart from anything else.

The marriage, the relationship, the love a couple has for one another - they're the important elements.

People are losing sight of this.

Yes but there costs have increased beyond what they've agreed. Her fiance is covering the costs of beds (which she previously said they would get back with a minor spend) and have a private waiter which costs even more. The min spend on drinks/food is more than the 50 pounds she mentioned earlier.

I've got no problem with abroad hen does- I enjoy them.

However, when you agree to a price and then it's 'oh and this, just £50 extra 'and before you know it, the costs have jumped up.

We had a similar situation with a friend
It was a long weekend away but in UK. We agreed on everything, price was at thr top of end of what I could afford but manageable...at that price.

Then the maid of honour booked it. Fine.

Then it was 'oh we need to get these decorations'. Then sprcific outfits and accessories. Then going out to a specific bar with Vip area. Then entry tickets to xxx.

Before I knew it, it was another £200+ and unaffordable for many of us, and then the rows started because it went up stealthily and it was hard to say no, I can afford the hen trip but not all of these sudden extras.

Luckily, the bride was sensible and put her foot down and said no to the extras - she just wanted us there. The MOH ended up being vile and grumpy...she wanted the credit of organising all these fun extras that no one else could afford

@Tekknonan in the same way you are deeply uninterested in a foreign hen/multi day affair etc., is it not perfectly conceivable that someone else is interested in that? It’s hard to see how that’s puzzling. Everyone likes different things.

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with the pub or a spa day or a meal or no hen - that’s just not OP’s preference? It also wasn’t her friends preference when she attended their foreign hens.

My preference would be no hen, to get married in a registry office with nobody else there, and to spend ‘big’ on a dress and a photographer to get pics of us. That doesn’t mean I am puzzled by foreign hens and big, expensive do’s, and it certainly doesn’t mean I go to my friends foreign hens and 300 guest weddings and think ‘hmm, it’s the marriage that counts not the wedding’.

I am really glad that you have it sorted how you want it.

Just to mention though, you may have more fun going in the evening when you have eaten and had pre drinks. 6 pieces of sushi is about 35 euro if I remember. These beach clubs are so hot in the summer, you sweat on a beach all day and are in no fit state to actually enjoy it in the evening! And the pools can be like people soup.

I am sure you’ll make the most of it. But I just want you to actually enjoy it and not leave there sweaty and tired and miss the best bit!

Check out Sunset Ashram for a beautiful sunset. You don’t even have to pay for the food there, you can take drinks and food and sit on the beach. Or book a booth for a (pricey) dinner and drinks.