Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

Im going to be sexist here but I have to say it,
Men and women book these trips away, without fail some or all of the women pull out closer to the time.

I don’t know if it’s because the reality is extra work, handing caring responsibilities over, they don’t think they deserve the money spent on them, they want to prioritise their family holiday or just plain old, men get priority but it always happens dnd men rarely ever cancel anything.

men plan it, book it and go.
women plan it, book it and back out

Nearly 38 with two kids. I can’t stand unnecessary stimulation, the thought of a swimsuit, or drinking in the sun. Waste of energy and precious sleep. Being around people all weekend with no guaranteed rest sounds like hell. I used to love hen dos, now I hate them.

When I was nearly 30, I had an abroad hen and was set on a beach club. I even spent £600 on a vodka bottle. I can’t I did that!!! I cared so much about looking good and the photos. Now I have a much better life with my DCs, don’t post holidays, and don’t obsess over looks. There’s so much more to life.

I was ghosted at the end of uni by my close friends of 3 years. One turned them against me. It was a lonely, confusing 5 months. I watched on Facebook as they went out, had a leavers prom, and a graduation holiday I wasn’t invited to.

7 years later I made it my mission to show them how many friends I had by getting loads to fly out for my hen. I couldn’t wait for that beach club photo as my profile pic. Why did I care so much?

If I had a hen now I wouldn’t even do a UK Airbnb. It’s so expensive. I’ve been to a few post-pandemic and the costs add up. Honestly, if I got married now I’m not sure I’d even have one

I'm still puzzled about this - the OP is perfectly happy with the WhatsApp group talking about the trip "behind her back" because (presumably) they're arranging surprises, etc (most of which will be adding to the costs, of which the OP has no actual idea), but then is cross that the ones pulling out have said so ON the WhatsApp and not to her directly.

But that's exactly how it would happen - all of a sudden, the trip has grown like Topsy and people begin to see it's getting out of hand. The OP claimed the cost of the beach club would "only" be about £50pp - and then we find out it's Blue Marlin and a quick look at the website shows that this is a massive underestimate.

OP is so comfortable in her entitlement to conspicuous consumption and vulgarity, both material and emotional, it’s fascinating to watch

The friends shouldn’t have agreed to go to the hen do in the first place. They’ve changed their minds at the last minute.

That’s why I refused to even discuss going away for my hen party. There was mention of ‘Barcelona’ and I shut that down immediately.
I knew half would cancel and the other half would be stressed over the price.

(its just my experience now and not a scientific fact.)

https://youtube.com/shorts/AqoX142P7iw?si=11RvGzerekG_471u

This thread reminds me of these!

It's hardly at the last minute when nothing has actually been booked yet...

So anyone who has a big hen do is vulgar. Wow…

Having read all of the OP’s posts, I must admit I have little sympathy.

I want this, I want that, me me me, downgrade and have to brave somewhere not so ‘insta-worthy.’ Two overseas trips needed. Comments about other people’s financial situations which you likely know nowt about. It’s the done thing and has always been popular. No, it hasn’t. You’re just buying into a self absorbed and entitled culture and seem to have little idea or thought for anyone but you. Are you marrying a professional footballer?!

Women get catty about how much they are expected to spend on someone else.

Men just can’t wait to go and drink and have a laugh.

seen it so many times.

I don't really understand why you started this thread. You don't seem interested in other people's perspectives on the situation, you seem defensive towards every possible scenario or idea posters have voiced. You may not think you are a bridezilla but you are coming across as one.

To answer your original question, yes you would be wrong to disinvite them from the wedding just because they don't want to commit to what sounds like an astonomically expensive summer based around your hen(s!) and wedding.

They may be high earners but everyone has a limit and they might have other plans they wanted to fulfil this summer that they need money for.

I disagree... I'm making huge generalisations here but.... Stags find cheap accommodation, cheap food and cheap bars. Look at what OP is expecting... beach clubs with beds where waiters wait on you all day! The cost is incomparable. The original "flights and accommodation are so cheap" quickly gets completely out of hand. No wonder people pull out! Add on top of that that the stag usually expects feck all, just for people to show up. The hen on the other hand might expect themes which require people to buy new outfits, an itinerary with every minute planned, essentially bossing adults around. And when the bride is as entitled as the OP, it gets tiring very quickly!

So mum’s paying for the UK hen, fiancé and friends paying for the abroad hen….
When did weddings stop being about the couple and start being about absolutely everything else ?

Maybe they agreed befroe they knew they had to pay for app too . With the ever escalating cost .

It’s not just the money, the attitude sucks

Her first instinct was to disinvite people who couldn’t make it and keep a petty tally on who spent how much on what

The big thing on her mind is the booking of a sun lounger at a beach club, sorry but I don’t call it distinction

It has nothing to do with a wedding or friendship, it’s just a massive, expensive competitive show off for the bride in things that are very basica and twee

It might come from being insecure. I just did a post about being exactly the same for my own hen.

that said it might also be over indulgence growing up.

it is really inconsiderate for people to drop out as payment is due. I myself organised two UK hen dos and I had 3 people drop out as I was booking accommodation, all sisters/cousins of the groom, and must have known they couldn’t afford it from the start and a couple had kids, but dropped out together. I think they liked the idea. Nothing malice but hugely annoying. It’s not easy planning these things.

If multiple people are dropping out due to cost, that suggests more consideration should have gone into planning. The hens/planners ought to decide from the start what is more important - friends attending, or having the fancy party of their dreams, and send invites accordingly.

Agree.
If they can't afford the location you want (or simply choose to spend their money in other ways) you can hardly blame them for not going.

I think it is funny how people have said I’m ignoring posts. I’ve replied to any common replies and said in one of my first replies that I’m not going to uninvite my friends from the wedding.

I went to Marbella for one of the hens last summer and that was a damn sight more expensive than what is being proposed here AND the bride’s costs were covered.

Have you asked the 5 why they've pulled out?

Things are a lot more expensive this year. I know if it came down to it and I was wealthy enough to afford one holiday this year, it wouldn’t be to a hen party for someone else. I would go on my own holiday and do as I please.

Especially if we had done that type of thing already many times.

I think people get blinkers on when they get married and want a certain image along with that. My cousin last year - over £1500 total each for the hens on her abroad hen, it was 'just' £500 flights and accomodation, then day trips/excursions/clubs/cabs/meals out etc, then someone did a 'surprise' boat trip we all had to chip in for. Somehow a mishap with one of the club bookings meant we all owed an extra £90 once we got home. It was out of hand. Then a London Hen, another £200. Then an extra £1,200 for me and my husband and kids to travel to her destination wedding and accomodation (plus on top of that, meals/drinks etc while there). That's all my holiday budget for the year gone on someone else's wedding. I just don't understand the entitlement some people feel towards their friend and family's money. (I didn't have a hen, and my wedding was registry office then a party in a function room local to me, cost me £6k and nobody had to pay more than petrol to the venue).

Maybe people are still paying off the Marbella trip then?
What you did last year is really irrelevant to anyone else's circumstances this year.

Your lack of awareness is actually astonishing