Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

You can’t be real.

Right? I mean that's a big traumatic event in anyone's life. That her own friend can't see that things other than jealously might be motivating her attests to the self absorbed mindset OP has demonstrated throuhgout these posts. Her heartbreak is not about you, you are not at the centre of her decisions. It's really understandable a weekend away spending loads when you are feeling like shit is not a priority.

It’s a weekend - not a week. What’s the saying - get over someone by getting under someone else 😂

Wow, this thread has it all. I'm very grateful for my friends and that's all I can say 😂

I'll be surprised if you have any friends left at the end of this. A weekend is a long time if you're struggling. Try empathy.

She might also have had a lot of sudden expenses linked to her breakup, like finding somewhere else to live.

Why do hen and stag do's have to be so elaborate?

Based on your replies in this thread, it may be worth reflecting on whether the comment you perceived as "catty" from a friend who is struggling - and probably the withdrawals as well - were responses to your apparent self-absorption and unrealistic expectations.

I’m interested in what catty remarks she made

Just do something simple and affordable in this country. It shouldn't be a test of friendship to make people go into debt or overstretch their budget just for YOUR amusement. This whole hen party/destination wedding thing has got ridiculous. Why on earth should somebody else use up their money and time, which could fund their OWN holidays, on you?

I was emotionally manipulated into paying £££ for a hen do a few years ago as i didn't want to do all the activities but was told it would be unfair to everyone else as they'd have to pay more.

Then the maid of honour complained I looked miserable on the day. Yeah i did, because it was shit and i didn;t want to be there and couldn;t afford it.

never again.

This hen do sounds like my worst nightmare, but given your description of your friends as gym girlies, and that you casually drop that you can afford a PT, I think we might be pretty different people 🤣

Regardless- I went on an abroad hen do where there were women of very different careers from poorly paid nurses to big bucks, some with kids, some not etc. The budget was arranged to be affordable for all - this means not pushing the lesser paid to have to go beyond themselves. Maybe the rich ones would have liked some extra fancy things but the point was that it was fair to everyone and didn’t put pressure on. Everything was budgeted beforehand and we each paid into a pot that covered all our group drinks, dinners, even Ubers etc, and then the maid of honour and one other paid all costs everywhere using that pot. The only extra costs were if people decided to buy a coffee or extra shots or something. I have to budget carefully in my life so this was an amazing set-up for me, I paid for everything in advance and there were no surprise costs or pressure at all to extend myself. Overall we paid for flights each (around £80-150 depending where people flew from/ what time etc) and then it was something like £300 all combined for the flat/ food/drink etc. I think my extra costs came to like 20 quid.

In an earlier post you said they didn't need to stay in any set accommodation.... now they do as you've got favourable rates??

You won't see it from MN point of view, nor that of your friends, so this is a pointless exercise.

Go to Ibiza, get your "influencer" photos in all the right places, with all the right poses.... but I feel for you, at this is how you value your life.

I'd be interested to know in 5 years' time if this is still your view.

Well this horrible comment by you, is very illuminating, I have to say.

It's too much. They don't need to justify themselves to you.

In the current financial climate, things can change week to week let alone month to month. I could say I’d attend something now, but whether I can still afford to attend when I get to the point of having to pay is a different matter.

I wouldn’t get myself into the situation of course because I wouldn’t agree to go on a foreign hen do but it’s not a stable economy at the moment.

There used to be an expression when I was a kid that my mum used that some people were exceptionally shallow -and that’s how you are coming across OP -I appreciate you want it all insta worthy and ‘look at us’ but friendships are about more than this- it doesn’t matter if they can afford it but don’t want to afford it - they may have other things going on in life that take more priority money or time wise- I’ve got a lovely friend who is somewhat flakey and overcommits to stuff she then either can’t afford or her situation changes like the wind- just accept however disappointing it is that arrangements need to be reviewed, unless of course they aren’t close friends they were just people you know making the numbers up so you could get favourable rates etc!! And watch your wedding arrangements too, many a bridezilla discovers she loses her true friends over unrealistic expectations and costs - the best weddings I’ve been to have actually been relatively simple - not a staged show off event

It literally IS like that... Sounds right up your street judging from your posts on here tbh.

I mean - OP can look for all the reasons in the world.

Offer up justifications.

Plain fact is: friends are pulling out.

If it isn’t £££ - as OP seems to think.

Why on earth might it be?

What a puzzler.

🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇
🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈

How many sharks have been jumped by this point in the thread? Help. I’ve lost count ….

Which is why I suspect the marriage itself is doomed. The rest is commentary. Almost hitting the 1000 mark. What a bloody waste of everyone's time.

@SerafinasGoose boom boom! 😆

I am trying to imagine what this hen do will be like... but if the issue was that costs kept creeping up, why on earth has your best friend decided it's a good idea to look into getting a dedicated waiter, which presumably ramps up the costs once again?

OP, listen to what your other friends are telling you, and rein it all in - in a big way.

What is more important to you?

Having an expensive drunken tacky instagrammable weekend, funded partly by your fiancé as you don’t have the money?

Or your friendships?

Classy!