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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do mean girls start so early?!

202 replies

Pamalarrr · 06/05/2025 11:58

DD is in Year 2 and her class and year is very girl heavy. There are 18 girls in her class.

DD is sensitive, a bit of a stickler for rules, hates getting into trouble etc. She's what I would call a typical 6 year old - she is one of the younger girls in the class with a summer birthday so not quite 7 yet.

The class has a group of 4 girls who are all share birthdays Sept - Dec. When the school has a non-uniform day they've been known to turn up in crop tops! My personal view is I think they look awful on 7 year olds and are far too old.

DD has a lovely group of friends, all very similar to DD. However, little comments have started creeping in from the older group of girls, particularly towards DD and another girl about how they wear there hair, babyish clothes they wear when they don't have to wear uniform etc. The ringleader pushes them out of the way, laughs at them and generally says unkind things.

The mum of the ringleader has accused parents of stealing her DDs school jumpers, shouted at the teachers when it was meet the new teachers accusing them of not being on it compared to the previous year group.

Whilst I suspect some of this behaviour is learned, is there anything else we can do to make DD more resilient? I didn't think this started so young. I want DD to be stronger than I was and to be able to stand up to girls like this.

Is this typical Y2 behaviour?!

OP posts:
Differentforgirls · 06/05/2025 14:27

CoffeeCantata · 06/05/2025 13:48

No - I get your point completely and so do some others on here who've bothered to read your post carefully.

These girls are precocious (no-one can deny that) in more ways than one, and in my experience of children there is a definite link between sexual precociousness and 'teenage' 'mean girl' behaviour. AND - these girls are picking on and belittling others because they see their clothing choices as babyish. So those pps being all prissy about the crop-top issue need to think a bit more deeply. It most definitely IS relevant.

There is also a link between "precociousness" and CSA. It says a lot that you call these children names. They are children FFS.

Helpel · 06/05/2025 14:28

Imagine being so bigoted that you think a young girl wearing a crop top is chavvy, from a trash family and will end up a no hoper when she's older. I mentioned earlier in the thread my girls have worn crop tops (their own choice) since age of 5 or 6. They don't choose them because they watch tik tok, they choose them because they do gymnastics for 10+ hours each per week and it fits with that aesthetic and lifestyle (not that they understand that!). We are actually a 'smartphone free childhood' family. The people who make such stereotypical associations are as 'mean' as the girls the OP is complaining about.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/05/2025 14:29

PluckyCheeks · 06/05/2025 14:23

Can you explain the thought process behind what led you to thinking revealing, sexualised clothes for children is fine? (Even if they are plastered with Disney characters…)

Personally, I don't really like seeing crop tops on young girls.

However, there are things that I dislike much more than seeing a little bit of a young girl's midriff.

For example, grown women making sweeping judgements about young girls based on the way that they're dressed. Or people making nasty, snobbish comments based on assumptions about social class. Or people teaching their kids to put other kids down instead of dealing with things through the proper channels.

HungreeHipp0 · 06/05/2025 14:30

My eldest DD started having problems with a couple of girls last year, they were 7/8 years old. She's the quiet, rule abiding type (she's actually awaiting ASD assessment) and is significantly less mature than these girls. I know they have much older siblings which I think plays a big part.

My DD had her hair chopped in class, slime rubbed into it, physically pushed around, called horrible names. All by a girl who now at the age of 9 can be seen strolling into school on PE days wearing a crop top, shorts so short you can see her bum cheeks and a Stanley cup under one arm.

Yes I judge. I blame older siblings, free access to Tik Tok and parents who seem to want their child to be their best friend.

kalokagathos · 06/05/2025 14:32

Readytohealnow · 06/05/2025 12:04

Sadly yes.
Girl friendship dramas start at 6 and continue until 60+…

😄😄😅Oh dear!!! I must have skipped all that!

SnoopyPajamas · 06/05/2025 14:32

In terms of what you can do to make your DD more resilient . . . it's a tough one. I think what I'd suggest is being sure to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. Ask to hear about her experiences and just listen.

A big part of it will be that she feels invalidated, and other children aren't speaking up for her, even if they think what's happening is wrong. She needs an outlet to just talk about what happened and process it, first of all. Don't rush to get angry. Let her explain what happened, and ask her how she feels about it. Listen, listen, listen.

My second piece of advice would be to remember you're dealing with a child. They don't process the way adults do. When I was bullied as a child, my mother was quick to dismiss it by telling me the bullies were "just jealous". She would jump in with this statement very quickly in the telling of any story, and would seem quite impatient. It might have been anger at them, or frustration with the situation, but as a child, I didn't see that. I felt she was impatient with me. That I was being silly. That I shouldn't care.

My mother had never actually taught me resilience, but seemed to expect me to have it. I 'knew' I 'should' be able to brush off the bullying, but no-one had ever shown me how to do that. As far as I could tell, I was just supposed to not have feelings about it. If I cared, I was being oversensitive and weak. The result was that I felt worse, clammed up, and stopped going to her for comfort.

I'm not saying don't be angry at the situation. But it's better to keep that anger in check in front of your child. Listen to them, validate their positive traits, and make sure they know there's no truth to the bullying and that it's not okay. But resist the urge to let your emotions out in front of them. I think some mums believe ranting and raving about what a little bitch the bully is will make their daughter feel better, but often it just keys everything up even more. They think their daughter wants a tiger mum to defend her. But what she actually wants is a steady, comforting presence, who seems rational when she says the bully is wrong. Someone who isn't just saying it out of maternal bias.

The parent who says "No-one talks about my daughter like that!" and hares off on one, is making it all about their feelings, and that can be quite unsettling to a child. Versus the parent who says: "That isn't true, and it's not right someone spoke to you like that. Here's what we're going to try first, to fix this. And if that doesn't work, we'll try something else."

Try to empower your child to resolve the conflict herself, and try not to demonise the other girl. The more your daughter can understand her bully as just a person with flaws, who may even be capable of change, the more in control she will feel. Show her the power of pushing back calmly on bad behaviour. "Your top is babyish!" "I like it." "It's babyish!" "It's my top, and I like it. I'm bored. Do you want to do some painting? I like your paintings." Etc. Teach her to not give the nasty comments any oxygen, and learn to redirect the other little girl with positivity instead. Sometimes, that's enough. And if it isn't, she'll feel stronger because she tried, instead of letting the grown-ups manage the situation for her.

PluckyCheeks · 06/05/2025 14:33

Dramatic · 06/05/2025 14:26

Do you find a 7 year old child's belly sexual?

No but you seem to be unaware of the vast number of nonces out there who do.

Betterdeals · 06/05/2025 14:33

kalokagathos · 06/05/2025 14:32

😄😄😅Oh dear!!! I must have skipped all that!

On mumsnet they do

in RL, no so much.

i haven’t had a “drama” with a single friend since i was…. Maybe 15?

Differentforgirls · 06/05/2025 14:34

CoffeeCantata · 06/05/2025 14:16

That what other people think is "cool" isn't that important, and in fact mostly people like that are pretty lame.

True!

Not suggesting this should be communicated to children - before any holier-than-thou person jumps on me - but in my experience as a parent and teacher, the cool kids at this age - often the sexually precocious ones - were often pretty sad specimens in the longer game.

What do you mean by "sad specimens"?

Ponoka7 · 06/05/2025 14:36

PluckyCheeks · 06/05/2025 14:23

Can you explain the thought process behind what led you to thinking revealing, sexualised clothes for children is fine? (Even if they are plastered with Disney characters…)

Our summers are now hot, we go on holiday to hot places. My GC did gymnastics from toddlerhood. They wore leotards etc. This GD is clumsy (dyspraxia), but ls constantly moving/fidgeting etc so shorts are the best choice, as are non baggy clothes. Children's bodies aren't sexual. We've sexualised women's bodies, but we don't all have to buy into it. Fwiw Pedophiles like plaited hair and pretty dresses/school uniforms. Plus my GD likes what she wears, that's the main thing. My generation (child of the 60/70's) wore dresses that barely covered our behinds. Why are you sexualising clothing?

PluckyCheeks · 06/05/2025 14:38

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/05/2025 14:29

Personally, I don't really like seeing crop tops on young girls.

However, there are things that I dislike much more than seeing a little bit of a young girl's midriff.

For example, grown women making sweeping judgements about young girls based on the way that they're dressed. Or people making nasty, snobbish comments based on assumptions about social class. Or people teaching their kids to put other kids down instead of dealing with things through the proper channels.

👍

mathanxiety · 06/05/2025 14:40

It's not the norm but it definitely can happen.

Complain to the teacher about bullying. Don't be fobbed off.

Ignore the people bleating about your judgement of the crop tops. This attire is clearly synchronised and chosen with the aim of showing off to the rest of the class how sophisticated the clique members are. Crop tops are not suitable for children and the school needs an out of uniform policy stating no bare midriffs.

Moveoverdarlin · 06/05/2025 14:40

Newbie1011 · 06/05/2025 14:13

Also my daughter loves crop tops. She also loves art and gymnastics and is a lovely girl and a kind friend. She is seven years old and we, and her, are not "trash"

Totally agree. I’ve shopping in M&S this morning. So many of their t-shirts for girls aged say 5-15 are cropped. They have matching leggings and shorts and it means about three inches of tummy is exposed. Is that really suggesting their chavs? Surely it’s just a current summer trend.

WashingMychine · 06/05/2025 14:40

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/05/2025 14:29

Personally, I don't really like seeing crop tops on young girls.

However, there are things that I dislike much more than seeing a little bit of a young girl's midriff.

For example, grown women making sweeping judgements about young girls based on the way that they're dressed. Or people making nasty, snobbish comments based on assumptions about social class. Or people teaching their kids to put other kids down instead of dealing with things through the proper channels.

It's about how rude and mean they act. It's fine if your daughter likes wearing a crop top, that's your choice. We're talking about girls who have been exposed to damaging content on social media since they were five or younger, and whose mothers get overly excited about dressing their young daughters like social media influencers, often in revealing clothes with full make up, expensive and harmful 'skin care'. This has a profoundly damaging effect on these young minds. They bring the shallow and hurtful behavior from TikTok and YouTube straight into the playground and classrooms, acting and speaking in ways that mimic that content. They also tend to engage in online bullying in year 4 and 5. These girls are being negatively affected by these influences, and their behaviour is making life very difficult for other girls (and teachers!!).

PluckyCheeks · 06/05/2025 14:41

Ponoka7 · 06/05/2025 14:36

Our summers are now hot, we go on holiday to hot places. My GC did gymnastics from toddlerhood. They wore leotards etc. This GD is clumsy (dyspraxia), but ls constantly moving/fidgeting etc so shorts are the best choice, as are non baggy clothes. Children's bodies aren't sexual. We've sexualised women's bodies, but we don't all have to buy into it. Fwiw Pedophiles like plaited hair and pretty dresses/school uniforms. Plus my GD likes what she wears, that's the main thing. My generation (child of the 60/70's) wore dresses that barely covered our behinds. Why are you sexualising clothing?

I’m not, but there’s plenty in this country now who are covering their 5 yo girls in abayas and hijabs, so someone is sexualising them…

PluckyCheeks · 06/05/2025 14:43

Moveoverdarlin · 06/05/2025 14:40

Totally agree. I’ve shopping in M&S this morning. So many of their t-shirts for girls aged say 5-15 are cropped. They have matching leggings and shorts and it means about three inches of tummy is exposed. Is that really suggesting their chavs? Surely it’s just a current summer trend.

Dear old M&S, sounds like they’re trying to compete for market share with Primark…

whippy1981 · 06/05/2025 14:43

Year 3 is usually the point it starts but with influence some can start earlier.

Han86 · 06/05/2025 14:44

Unkindness can occur at any age. Be careful of calling it bullying which could be the case (pushing) however some of it just sounds like they are being mean and making unkind comments to a group. (Monitor at home perhaps how frequently it is occuring and whether it is specifically aimed at your daughter, not the group, not other friends but just her to get an overview). Some children find it hard to communicate as this might be the only interaction they have witnessed (people being mean).
Also it's not just girls and I have seen boys doing similar with the babyish comments if boys aren't playing video games like Fortnite (age inappropriate for primary).
The school may have tried to tackle the crop tops (ours do not allow it and ask the children to cover up with a jumper if that is what they turn up in).
In terms of building resilience, I would encourage her to know when to walk away and not engage with the mean girl. They thrive off attention and if the home life is tricky for them they will enjoy getting the teachers attention at school.
I would also think about what your daughter is doing, is she telling a teacher every bad thing this girl does (you say she is a rule follower)? I would perhaps think about encouraging her to be more discreet. One child I worked with had a love hate relationship with another child. On good days they were fine but other days their friend would wind them up, make nasty comments to them, not let them join in with anyone else. They would let their parent know and speak to a teacher/teaching assistant privately at the end of lunch to say if they wanted the friend spoken to. It is hard to navigate friendships, especially when some gave strong personalities.

Changeyourlifes · 06/05/2025 14:45

TempestTost · 06/05/2025 14:22

The way I'd communicate this to a child is that kids that are nasty about other's clothes are lame.

I know by the time I was about 12 I started to realize on my own that some of these girls, particularly the sexualized ones, came from homes where they weren't supported properly. That the freedoms they seemed to have were actually parents not looking out for them. But I wouldn't put it that way to kids.

I agree and disagree with this. I get where you’re coming from in some cases; but there’s also a wider societal pull to dress a certain way that should be taken into account.

Beyond wealth or class is a wider culture transcending that. It is seen as cool for girls to be attractive at school regardless of their home life. It’s naive to not consider how much influence and power the beauty industry, fashion industry, social media etc has on society. It’s like a rite of passage for girls to go through a phase of being conscious about looking attractive, even if they have good support at home. I don’t think it’s necessarily reflective of absent parenting if your child is into mainstream trends. Even “non chavvy” private school girls might engage with that.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/05/2025 14:47

WashingMychine · 06/05/2025 14:40

It's about how rude and mean they act. It's fine if your daughter likes wearing a crop top, that's your choice. We're talking about girls who have been exposed to damaging content on social media since they were five or younger, and whose mothers get overly excited about dressing their young daughters like social media influencers, often in revealing clothes with full make up, expensive and harmful 'skin care'. This has a profoundly damaging effect on these young minds. They bring the shallow and hurtful behavior from TikTok and YouTube straight into the playground and classrooms, acting and speaking in ways that mimic that content. They also tend to engage in online bullying in year 4 and 5. These girls are being negatively affected by these influences, and their behaviour is making life very difficult for other girls (and teachers!!).

If it is about how they act, then let's focus on that and leave out the unnecessarily judgemental comments about how they dress.

And fwiw, this has fuck all to do with my own daughter, who is now an adult in any case but only ever wore a crop top to dance rehearsals. I didn't ever buy them for her and she didn't ever ask for them.

For me, this is not about the clothes that my daughter did or didn't wear, it is about misogyny. As I've already said, I don't particularly like crop tops on young girls (or even older ones for that matter!) but I have a much bigger problem with women and girls being judged for how they choose to dress.

I get that some people are OK with this kind of misogyny, as it is deeply ingrained in our culture, but I do not like it and I will always speak up against it when I see it.

mathanxiety · 06/05/2025 14:49

HungreeHipp0 · 06/05/2025 14:30

My eldest DD started having problems with a couple of girls last year, they were 7/8 years old. She's the quiet, rule abiding type (she's actually awaiting ASD assessment) and is significantly less mature than these girls. I know they have much older siblings which I think plays a big part.

My DD had her hair chopped in class, slime rubbed into it, physically pushed around, called horrible names. All by a girl who now at the age of 9 can be seen strolling into school on PE days wearing a crop top, shorts so short you can see her bum cheeks and a Stanley cup under one arm.

Yes I judge. I blame older siblings, free access to Tik Tok and parents who seem to want their child to be their best friend.

Sorry your child had to endure that.

The pattern of adopting 'sophisticated' clothing meant for older girls frequently goes hand in glove with the mean girl behaviour. People who are castigating the OP for associating the inappropriate attire with the bullying have it wrong. Its all part of the peeformative precocity that these girls are inflicting on their peers.

TyotyaKlava · 06/05/2025 14:53

My dd is in year 2 and I’ve noticed from last summer she refused to wear her “baby” clothes (tops with unicorns, rainbows etc). She will only wear crop tops (even in winter), refuses to childish prints. I think it’s an influence from the other girls in her class.
however I don’t think they bully each other, some girls are mean but I wouldn’t call it bullying

WashingMychine · 06/05/2025 14:56

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/05/2025 14:47

If it is about how they act, then let's focus on that and leave out the unnecessarily judgemental comments about how they dress.

And fwiw, this has fuck all to do with my own daughter, who is now an adult in any case but only ever wore a crop top to dance rehearsals. I didn't ever buy them for her and she didn't ever ask for them.

For me, this is not about the clothes that my daughter did or didn't wear, it is about misogyny. As I've already said, I don't particularly like crop tops on young girls (or even older ones for that matter!) but I have a much bigger problem with women and girls being judged for how they choose to dress.

I get that some people are OK with this kind of misogyny, as it is deeply ingrained in our culture, but I do not like it and I will always speak up against it when I see it.

@mathanxiety expressed it better than i

The pattern of adopting 'sophisticated' clothing meant for older girls frequently goes hand in glove with the mean girl behaviour. People who are castigating the OP for associating the inappropriate attire with the bullying have it wrong. Its all part of the performative precocity that these girls are inflicting on their peers.

^This

80smonster · 06/05/2025 14:58

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MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/05/2025 14:59

WashingMychine · 06/05/2025 14:56

@mathanxiety expressed it better than i

The pattern of adopting 'sophisticated' clothing meant for older girls frequently goes hand in glove with the mean girl behaviour. People who are castigating the OP for associating the inappropriate attire with the bullying have it wrong. Its all part of the performative precocity that these girls are inflicting on their peers.

^This

I stand by what I said above. We should focus on addressing the behaviour, and not on what these kids are wearing.

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