Do mean girls start so early?!

[Pamalarrr]

DD is in Year 2 and her class and year is very girl heavy. There are 18 girls in her class.

DD is sensitive, a bit of a stickler for rules, hates getting into trouble etc. She's what I would call a typical 6 year old - she is one of the younger girls in the class with a summer birthday so not quite 7 yet.

The class has a group of 4 girls who are all share birthdays Sept - Dec. When the school has a non-uniform day they've been known to turn up in crop tops! My personal view is I think they look awful on 7 year olds and are far too old.

DD has a lovely group of friends, all very similar to DD. However, little comments have started creeping in from the older group of girls, particularly towards DD and another girl about how they wear there hair, babyish clothes they wear when they don't have to wear uniform etc. The ringleader pushes them out of the way, laughs at them and generally says unkind things.

The mum of the ringleader has accused parents of stealing her DDs school jumpers, shouted at the teachers when it was meet the new teachers accusing them of not being on it compared to the previous year group.

Whilst I suspect some of this behaviour is learned, is there anything else we can do to make DD more resilient? I didn't think this started so young. I want DD to be stronger than I was and to be able to stand up to girls like this.

Is this typical Y2 behaviour?!

I’d be willing to bet that based on the fact the parents of the bullies are letting their 7 y o girls wear crop tops in addition to how the OP has says they’ve behaved, they’re not well bred. It has nothing to do with money and all to do with breeding, upbringing and manners. Plenty of rich people are chavs, iyswim.

Yes, it starts early. Some girls are very able to pull the strings on other children, particularly other girls, and engage in social manipulation.

I think combating bullying has limited value tbh. It's fine as far as it goes. But teachers can't really sort that stuff out in the end. The girls that engage will very quickly figure out how to fly under the radar and how to manipulate the school rules. So I think resilience is important.

There were a few things I managed to figure out in those early years that I found served me well. That I didn't really need the approval of people like that, and would be unlikely to get it. That life is a lot happier if you don't care what people like that think or do. That your own friends are fine. Not to trust girls trying to draw you in to bully others. That what other people think is "cool" isn't that important, and in fact mostly people like that are pretty lame.

My mum and dad all told me these things which I am sure was helpful, but honestly, most of it I figured out from experience. Bad experiences with the bullies, the bad experience of trying to be friends and ending up manipulated. Sometimes dealing with feeling left out. Summer break, and finding some real peace away from kids like that, was also really meaningful for me, it gave some important perspective.

When my dd was that age there were girls who would try to move her from her space on the carpet and I told her to plant herself firmly down so she couldn't be shoved along.

Also mentioned it to the teacher.

Perhaps, but you could also guarantee that your dc would learn some shockingly nasty behaviour and some horribly snobbish attitudes. If those are the values that you want to raise your dc to espouse, then I guess you will succeed in your endeavour. Personally, I always wanted my own dc to grow into a decent human being.

"Well bred" jesus christ

The irony!😂

It's relevant background; the crop tops was an example of the 'grown up' clothes the girls wear, which is relevant to them bullying others girls not dressed in that type of fashion. The mum going on a rampage about jumpers is relevant, as it shows she's not likely to respond well if op was to approach her about the daughter's mean behaviour (and may even show that the mother is the root of her daughter's issues).

I think @PluckyCheeks must be on a bit of a wind up, actually. Well played, as you had me taken in for a minute. That last post was a step too far though. Nobody is that lacking in self awareness.

No - I think she needs to bolster her daughter's self-esteem by assuring her that these girls are in no way superior because they wear clothing which is inappropriately sexualised for what would once have been called 'infants'!

Not wearing crop-tops etc at age 6/7 is most definitely NOT babyish and I would be far more concerned with reassuring my daughter that her clothing was fine than worrying about portraying these girls in a critical light. As for them - I'm sure they'll live!

Good parents don't want their youngsters galloping through childhood towards puberty 6 years early!!! Let them be children and not have to feel put down for it.

Actually not. I grew up with chavs, I kind of was one, hence my utter contempt for them as I’ve seen it all up close. I might be a bit of a Becky Sharp but it’s better than the alternative! I certainly wouldn’t want my daughters around “crop top” girls and will be very sharp elbowed in ensuring they mix with the right sorts.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/04/25/i-grew-up-poor-making-rich-friends-changed-my-life/

I wouldn’t judge the child I’d judge her parents for buying their 7yo a crop top

Exactly.

@Pamalarrr That's typical at that age, but it's not OK.

Sometimes they start young but sometimes I think it’s having older siblings/cousins that they learn the behaviour from. It’s not always girls either.

This.

I understand wanting your child to be resilient, but in this situation, there shouldn't be any onus at all on your daughter to be resilient. It shouldn't be happening in the first place.

Resilience will develop as she finds her sense of right and wrong and her confidence in that. She needs to see adults cracking down on this and not accepting it in any way, shape or form.

When she understands that, she will also learn not to accept it. You set the example.

Bullying is wrong, black and white, pure and simple. She doesn't need to use this as a way to develop resilience - it simply shouldn't be happening.

Get involved, and get the school to clamp down on it. Stand up for your daughter yourself and show her how it's done.

I can’t really advise as I have yet to deal with this, but I guess you have to try to build your daughter’s confidence in being herself. Make sure she knows that there is no correct way to dress, that she and her friends are having a normal, happy childhood and the opinions of the ringleader and her clique are one hundred percent irrelevant.

I would tell that probably the ringleader is not very happy or secure and probably not as lucky in her home life, and the other girls may be insecure or scared of her. That she is not someone to be daunted by. But the bottom line is your dd needs to know that whatever the problems this other girl has, it does not make it ok for her to be nasty. So your dd should always confide in you or another grown up about any problems.

The first step is to get your dd to genuinely see there is no reason to care about this girl’s opinions or what she says, and to be confident in herself. That comes across to bullies and they usually will back off. I would suggest that while bearing in mind the bullies may have their own issues, your dd should feel free to stand up for herself. She and friends can just laugh and tell this girl straight that no one cares about her opinions. They can say…we like who we are, we wear and do what we like and we are happy with that. We don’t care what you think or say. If she pushes, turn round and say firmly no, do not push me! Whatever happens do not scurry off or ignore it as that sends the signal that you’re too scared to challenge the bully, and the bully will feed off that fear.

Your daughter can say outright, you don’t seem happy or confident if you have to be rude to others to make yourself feel good. If every attempt to be superior by the bully is met with pity and condescension that can help, but ultimately they may have to fight back a bit with some slightly mean comments of their own. That’s just life and it isn’t for the purpose of being rude, it’s for the purpose of showing the bully that they are cowed or bothered..and that’s key because it will take the fun out of it for the bully.

mean girls at 6 are still mean girls at 16. Advise your daughter to steer well clear of them and help her gain as much fun and confidence as she can from her healthy friendships.

Clearly that should say aren’t cowed!

My GD just 7 has moved school at the beginning of year 2 due to relocation of 200miles.
The new school is"outstanding" a Cof E and very oversubscribed (just coincidence it was available) She has had trouble from the get go. Teacher not particularly helpful, other mums have rallied round to include her but comments range from you are my least best friend to, you are cool but you clothes aren't. Etc. Her old school had 3 classes per year group and she loved it, this class1 and 2 combined. It is difficult to manage when sometimes she says she has had no one to play with. We too are trying to make her resilient but why should she be, if all kids were just nice....

100% this. The kids can't help what clothes their parents buy them and the mean girls would still be mean no matter what they wore.
It's kind of a side note really anyone buying a kid that young crop tops is either really weird or just stupid

This. Keep reporting to the teacher, this behaviour needs nipping in the bud sharpish.

Did she also physically bully your daughter OP? Or was this another child in the group?

What a thing to say to a child. I hope you don't have any...

I had a similar situation in year two with my daughter OP and I did have a chat with the teacher who was really good. She did lots of clever low-key things like shifting tables of girls around and talking to the whole class in a pointed way about kindness and what that means, not making comments about clothing etc. You don't have to massively up the ante, go in all guns blazing or use the word 'bullying' - just tell the teacher you're worried about some incidents of unkindness and unhelpful dynamics in the class which are affecting your daughter and her learning and happiness at school. Any decent teacher will want to hear it and will want to work to ensure your daughter is happy at school.

Omg that's awful OP. Sorry your daughter is having to deal with this.

It's bizarre behaviour for this age.

I have a year 2 DD who is December born, so 7yo - she wears crop tops and "cute" clothes but there's no way she would ever be unkind to anyone else in her class.

We embody kindness at home so I think a lot of bad behaviour is modelled at home and passed on. Pity the crappy parenting of the mean girls.

I think you're unlucky there's 18 girls in the class also. That's rotten luck.

My DD only has 6 girls in her class and they all play nicely. There's 13 boys though so I think the girls like sticking together.