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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband cant give me what I want/need AIBU to leave?

174 replies

Mayhooray · 05/05/2025 23:36

Ive become increasingly unhappy in our marriage (incidentally our wedding anniversary is tomorrow) My husband just cannot give me what I need/thought life would be like. When first marrying, he lead me to believe that he was a provider. As it stands he contributes nothing to family life, I pay all bills, manage all house work and all childcare. He works for his dad for a measly wage, but spends 24/7 at his parents “working”. He works extremely long hours for this measly wage and we hardly ever see him, there are no days off no trips out no family holidays. When he does come home most nights youngest is already in bed and he will spend his evening eating his super, spending about an hour in the bath, another hour maybe two on the phone to his friends, might pop in for a quick chat with our eldest DS who is 8, then spends the rest of the evening on his phone. This evening we have had a falling out, with our anniversary coming up i have been wanting to be intimate, last night he went out with the boys and he promised he would come home early so we could have some time together, fast forward to half 1 this morning, and he comes in, goes straight to sleep. This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/05/2025 23:40

Sounds like a miserable marriage, he isn't bringing anything to the table, YANBU at all.

Newstarters · 05/05/2025 23:47

Sounds awful. Sorry to be cliche but do you any doubts about his sexuality or fidelity? I just can’t imagine a straight man who is attracted and loyal to his wife constantly prioritising his “boys” over his partner even when sex is on the table.

I think you need to sit down and have a chat with him, tell him you need at least an equal contribution as you never signed up to subsidise his soft life.

You said he led you to believe he was a provider - so what work was he doing before you married him?

Newstarters · 05/05/2025 23:53

This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

also wanted to add the fact he took so long to get out of the bath then treated you like that sounds like deliberate humiliation, and an attempt to put you off having or asking for sex with him again.

This isn’t some one night stand random who isn’t familiar with your body, so you can’t put it down to first time sex awkwardness or clumsiness.

Personally I wouldn’t ask for sex again, he clearly is reluctant and you deserve better than this.

Original poster
Mayhooray · 05/05/2025 23:57

Newstarters · 05/05/2025 23:53

This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

also wanted to add the fact he took so long to get out of the bath then treated you like that sounds like deliberate humiliation, and an attempt to put you off having or asking for sex with him again.

This isn’t some one night stand random who isn’t familiar with your body, so you can’t put it down to first time sex awkwardness or clumsiness.

Personally I wouldn’t ask for sex again, he clearly is reluctant and you deserve better than this.

The thing is he does pester for intimacy at times but goes about it the completely wrong way, then I think is it me? Have i built up so much resentment against him that he cant do anything right.

OP posts:
Newstarters · 06/05/2025 00:05

No wonder why you resent him. You’re subsidising his unwise career choices and carrying both the financial and domestic burden. Have you spoke to him about this and pointed out that he isn’t being the provider he said he would be?

If he drags his feet to have sex with you when you initiate it but wants it at other times, could potentially be a control issue.

Sorry but to be frank it doesn’t sound as if he respects or even likes you though. He’d rather be with his “boys” - says it all.

caringcarer · 06/05/2025 00:06

He sounds inconsiderate, a poor DH and a dreadful father. He can't hardly ever see his youngest DC. I'd say enough is enough and leave him. It sounds like he doesn't really have a relationship with his kids.

Newstarters · 06/05/2025 00:09

As it stands he contributes nothing to family life, I pay all bills, manage all house work and all childcare

I can’t understand living like this. It’s one thing if he was a SAHD instead of a “provider” and pulling his weight at home, but he’s just left literally everything down to you for no good reason . I’m always amazed that there’s women who put up with this.

Crushed23 · 06/05/2025 00:13

How does he spend 24/7 at his parents’ business working, when he’s going out with friends until 1:30am or spending an hour in the bath followed by 2 hours on the phone chatting to friends? Is he pretending to be overworked to avoid spending time with you?

In any case, you sound very unhappy and he doesn’t appear to bring anything to the table. I would call this one quits - you’d be better off as a single parent.

Original poster
Mayhooray · 06/05/2025 00:14

I think im only putting up with it for the sake of our children, i could not bare not having them with me if i were to leave DH

OP posts:
Newstarters · 06/05/2025 00:17

How did he present before you had children? You say he pretended to be a provider - so I assume he had a better job then?

Original poster
Mayhooray · 06/05/2025 00:18

Crushed23 · 06/05/2025 00:13

How does he spend 24/7 at his parents’ business working, when he’s going out with friends until 1:30am or spending an hour in the bath followed by 2 hours on the phone chatting to friends? Is he pretending to be overworked to avoid spending time with you?

In any case, you sound very unhappy and he doesn’t appear to bring anything to the table. I would call this one quits - you’d be better off as a single parent.

Ok so 24/7 a slight exaggeration on my part mainly because it feels that way. So he will leave the house at around 7:00am, come back 7:00pm/7:30, then spends rest of the evening doing said activities. He does not go out with the boys that much, last night they went because it was a bank holiday, but yes phone most nights, baths, he might “slip back down” to finish something off. He goes to choir practice, great for him, but I feel that prison might have some more freedom to offer me atm 😩

OP posts:
Newstarters · 06/05/2025 00:23

Mayhooray · 06/05/2025 00:14

I think im only putting up with it for the sake of our children, i could not bare not having them with me if i were to leave DH

Well it’s up to you but the sad thing is you seem to have just accepted it, even if you had decided to stay with him surely you could at least challenge him on the fact you do everything?

It’s not clear to me how he was before you married him but right now he’s taking the utter piss out of you.

Original poster
Mayhooray · 06/05/2025 00:29

I have challenged him, we have had many many a conversation about the situation. Nothing has changed, actually he wrote me a cheque to pay for the electricity bill. I told him that I was not some maid that he can pay! His complacency infuriates me

OP posts:
Fantailsflitting · 06/05/2025 00:38

I don't see him as likely to be wanting to get 50% custody. That would require him to rearrange his working hours and actually interact with the children. - shopping, cooking food and doing the washing would be a new experience for him and the end of his hour long soaks in the bath. I'd be leaving this marriage which sounds dire.

2JFDIYOLO · 06/05/2025 00:49

Did you know you're allowed to be happy?

To find yourself first, then seek out a loving equal relationship?

You can't do any of these three with him - you don't like, love, or respect each other.

Monty27 · 06/05/2025 00:57

I had an invisible husband and df to my two dcs. I thought he worked so hard to all hours and his best friend was so exasperated knowing he told me dh was in a pub every night.
Boy did I feel stupid.

Charliecatpaws · 06/05/2025 01:57

Is your husband a farmer?

healthybychristmas · 06/05/2025 05:53

I have said this before on here and get shouted down but there is no way I would accept 50-50 childcare with this man when he doesn't spend more than a few minutes with the children in a week. 50-50 means he wouldn't have to pay any contribution and his mother would end up looking after the children in that time. I would definitely leave him. He is absolutely taking the piss. I wouldn't worry about the children feeling bad about it. They don't even know who he is.

WhiteRosesAndThistles · 06/05/2025 07:00

Charliecatpaws · 06/05/2025 01:57

Is your husband a farmer?

My guess as well. Work your whole life for a pitiful 'wage' on the promise you will inherit the farm in your 60's.....and so the cycle continues with your own children.

BlondiePortz · 06/05/2025 07:02

He lead you to beleive he was a ''provider'' that sounds very old fashioned why would you not provide and support and help each other? why is it up to a man?

Original poster
Mayhooray · 06/05/2025 07:33

BlondiePortz · 06/05/2025 07:02

He lead you to beleive he was a ''provider'' that sounds very old fashioned why would you not provide and support and help each other? why is it up to a man?

Yes quite, why would he not provide and support and help each other

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 06/05/2025 07:35

Mayhooray · 06/05/2025 07:33

Yes quite, why would he not provide and support and help each other

Show quote history

That is up to you to decide really, you are the one that married him so he must have something going for him

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/05/2025 07:40

Mayhooray · 06/05/2025 00:29

I have challenged him, we have had many many a conversation about the situation. Nothing has changed, actually he wrote me a cheque to pay for the electricity bill. I told him that I was not some maid that he can pay! His complacency infuriates me

A cheque? Why didn't he just transfer you the money directly? Was he hoping, perhaps, that you'd tear it up or refuse to take it? Does he, basically, actually really HAVE any money? Or is he trapped in 1994?

Whichever way, and however misguided you might have been when you first got together (how does a man seem to be a 'provider'? Except by paying his way, which I can't imagine he's ever done), it all sounds utterly miserable and if you're doing everything anyway, why not leave? If he's working as hard as he says he is, then he won't take the kids in any case, he won't have time.

CagneyNYPD1 · 06/05/2025 07:47

Let me guess…is his family a farming family?

Original poster
Mayhooray · 06/05/2025 08:28

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/05/2025 07:40

A cheque? Why didn't he just transfer you the money directly? Was he hoping, perhaps, that you'd tear it up or refuse to take it? Does he, basically, actually really HAVE any money? Or is he trapped in 1994?

Whichever way, and however misguided you might have been when you first got together (how does a man seem to be a 'provider'? Except by paying his way, which I can't imagine he's ever done), it all sounds utterly miserable and if you're doing everything anyway, why not leave? If he's working as hard as he says he is, then he won't take the kids in any case, he won't have time.

Show quote history

A cheque, I shit thee not. Its not entirely his fault, his parents are much to blame for enslaving him and teaching him that he must rely on them. He has to ask them for money or is allowed to “take the business card” if on the rare occasion we do go anywhere.

OP posts:
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