Husband cant give me what I want/need AIBU to leave?

[Mayhooray]

Ive become increasingly unhappy in our marriage (incidentally our wedding anniversary is tomorrow) My husband just cannot give me what I need/thought life would be like. When first marrying, he lead me to believe that he was a provider. As it stands he contributes nothing to family life, I pay all bills, manage all house work and all childcare. He works for his dad for a measly wage, but spends 24/7 at his parents “working”. He works extremely long hours for this measly wage and we hardly ever see him, there are no days off no trips out no family holidays. When he does come home most nights youngest is already in bed and he will spend his evening eating his super, spending about an hour in the bath, another hour maybe two on the phone to his friends, might pop in for a quick chat with our eldest DS who is 8, then spends the rest of the evening on his phone. This evening we have had a falling out, with our anniversary coming up i have been wanting to be intimate, last night he went out with the boys and he promised he would come home early so we could have some time together, fast forward to half 1 this morning, and he comes in, goes straight to sleep. This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

Life is truly too short for this OP.
Based on the age of your kids, I assume you’re still quite young? Don’t waste another minute on this marriage.

Im 33, i do feel like life is passing us by waiting for a better life x

Have you ever asked him what he thinks he brings to your marriage?

Have you asked him what he thinks he brings to the marriage?

Not money
Not sharing the housework
Not parenting
Not the mental load
Not sex
Not interesting conversations
Not a travel partner
Not a partner in anyway really

Have you spelt that out to him and asked would he like to be married to someone like him?

OP your partner brings nothing positive to your life.

You deserve better than this. Time to end the relationship.

Life's too short. Walk away.

Throw him back to his parents. They probably still have his childhood bedroom laid out for him.

It's unlikely that your children would see him very much. When my husband left us 30 years ago there was no such concept as 50/50. The children went for the day EOW and he took them to McDonald's on a Wednesday evening. There is no need for your children to live with him for any period and , from what you've said, it's unlikely he would want that, or be able to actually facilitate it. Believe me, you are already doing everything. Not having him wander in and out pointlessly with be a far nicer life than the one you currently have

My SIL had a partner many years ago and had a child with him. He has lived with his parents off and on for all of his life. He has periods of time where he has a partner, moves out to live with her, it always fails and he moves back to mums. When his daughter with SIL was small he moved in with parents so that, when he had his daughter for access weekends, his mother could do all the work and he could go out with his mates. He's 55 and still doing the same thing. Some men are just not worth the space they occupy in the world. Get rid Op.

You will absolutely never, ever find a better life when you are still living in the rubbish one. You need to make a plan of what you want your life to look like and the steps you need to take to achieve it. The first one is going to be the hardest but after you've done it ( getting rid of the dead weight) the rest with can begin to slot into place.

You're only 33! Mate, this is no life. I'd end it. I much preferred only having to rely on me!

My first thought was a farming family too!
Seriously though, he brings absolutely nothing to the table here and I’d hazard a guess that he wouldn’t go for 50/50 if you split!

This isn't a marriage. He vowed to love, honour and cherish you and has utterly failed. He's a deadbeat and serves absolutely no purpose.
Barely anything about your life will change once divorced, except you won't have some bumbling idiot occasionally in your property. He's hardly going to start parenting his kids once he's divorced.

They do still have his bedroom laid out. This is precisely what will happen if we were to separate. DH would simply move back to live with his parents, he will insist 50/50 and allow them to do the work, so again he has a free life. I had plans to go out for a meal with a friend who is due her baby any day now, he said this morning he has choir practice and needs to go 🙈

@Mayhooray

Never put the key to your happiness, into someone else's pocket.

You may be waiting forever and then find your life has gone in the blink of an eye.

Try being more proactive, he's definitely not gonna do it for you.

@Mayhooray he can go to practice as long as he sorts out someone to look after the children.

id tell him his phone has to be switched off when he eventually gets home so he can be present for his family.

Honestly I’d just te him to stay with his folks. Forever.

is the family business farming?

Can you be proactive in designing a life that is much happier and to your liking with said husband, given that you want to stay living with the children etc?

Change things up.
Declare a right to equal ME time. You take up a hobby for a similar time that choir takes - or join in the choir and hire a babysitter.

Declare that it's fair for DH to be responsible for three family meals per week.

List some household tasks that DH is to take over - discuss with him - folding, washing, bathroom clean etc.

Declare a date night each fortnight - put it on the calendar. Ask his parents to baby sit if they live so close.

Discuss with DH and wider family the hours of work for DH.

No one just accidentally happens into a cosy arrangement. You have to work out a sustainable routine
.
Stand up for a happy marriage instead of facilitating a dull existance. Try - without blame - to reorganise your lives for a win/win outcome.

Choir is off tonight, tell him in no uncertain terms you need to have a chat to save your marriage. Set out that he doesn’t contribute round the house, doesn’t support you, and doesn’t provide financially. Tell him that needs to change and ask him what he thinks he actually brings to the party.

If he chooses to go to choir that tells you where you are in the pecking order.

Id start documenting all the time that he works and does activities, and how much time you spend looking after the kids, so if he pushes for 50:50 you can show it is just to avoid financial obligations and not part of the norm.

He sounds like he's in some sort of modern slavery arrangement with his family. Or possibly farming I guess. It seems to be a wretched experience to work all the hours possible on the basis of inheriting a farm but with the new taxes, unless it is profitable enough to pay him a living wage now, he's never going to have the money to pay the taxes so what's the point.

Is the family business something that has given him transferrable skills that he can go and get a job elsewhere?

To be honest, it sounds like you have completely fallen out of love with him and that's difficult to come back from. In your shoes I think I'd ask for a separation and ask him to go home to his parents. See how you feel in a few months.

DH also needs to grow a backbone and negotiate with his family about succession of the bussiness.

He needs to know where he stands. His family needs to sit down with an accountant and plan for the future of him not being tied to the family apron strings.

It is so unfair that he works long hours and his future is unknown. Push for that, Op.

I cannot see what value this man brings to your life.

@Mayhooray what is the family business which takes 12 hours a day from his life??

If you pay all the bills, what is he doing with his measly wage from working in the family business? Is he a shareholder in the business or does he just work for them? I would suspect that he has access to a lot more money than you know about but his family are colluding with him to keep the money in their family and away from you.

He is a terrible husband and father and I would kick him out. You are doing everything on your own anyway, so his absence would hardly be noticed.

Be prepared for him to pay no maintenance as his family will reduce the official amount that they pay him to reduce any maintenance payments.

It’s time to end it. He’s a loser - not a provider. He bent your leg on purpose to avoid sex.

He provides nothing to your life.

Just end this. Have a close friend or family member over to your house and tell him the absolute truth - he contributes nothing. He isn’t a provider - he doesn’t even contribute. He is a shitty father.

What kind of father has your long baths every day?? It’s such an indulgence that he hasn’t even earned.

I feel for you. It sounds grim. You’re living as a lone parent. With an inattentive bf. He doesn’t appear to be parenting in any meaningful way.

Did you discuss childcare arrangements before you had kids? Did he just assume you’d look after his kids for him?

I suggest you take time to plan living separately. No need to rush. Every step will be a step towards a better life. Seek legal advice as to what you may be able to settle on. Seek financial advice on how you’ll manage financially (sounds like you will, though you may be entitled to some UC or help with childcare costs).

He may not want 50/50 custody, given how little time he spends with his children.