Husband cant give me what I want/need AIBU to leave?

[Mayhooray]

Ive become increasingly unhappy in our marriage (incidentally our wedding anniversary is tomorrow) My husband just cannot give me what I need/thought life would be like. When first marrying, he lead me to believe that he was a provider. As it stands he contributes nothing to family life, I pay all bills, manage all house work and all childcare. He works for his dad for a measly wage, but spends 24/7 at his parents “working”. He works extremely long hours for this measly wage and we hardly ever see him, there are no days off no trips out no family holidays. When he does come home most nights youngest is already in bed and he will spend his evening eating his super, spending about an hour in the bath, another hour maybe two on the phone to his friends, might pop in for a quick chat with our eldest DS who is 8, then spends the rest of the evening on his phone. This evening we have had a falling out, with our anniversary coming up i have been wanting to be intimate, last night he went out with the boys and he promised he would come home early so we could have some time together, fast forward to half 1 this morning, and he comes in, goes straight to sleep. This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

Didn’t you post about this before a good few months ago

Thank you for this detailed reply, its given me much to think about and alot of groundwork to do if I do want out, which I do, its just not going to be simple. The thing is its not even as if he married a woman not understanding farming life, i am a farmers daughter and also love to farm, but as it stands were not even in a position to do that.

My father was (semi retired) a farmer and just before he got married the entire farm was handed over to him, if they are promising him that he will inherit they need to hand it over to him now ( gift it) otherwise why should he continue to work on it, they are just dangling a carrot in front of him

If you end up in court over child arrangements which you can then as for “right of first refusal” which means you have to be offered the opportunity to have your DC over any other childcare including his parents. If they don’t have their own bedroom there then that’s a justification as to why 50:50 overnight would be unfair on the DC.

You need to plan strategically to extract you & the DC from an awful situation.

Has he been given a share in the farm at all? If not surely he has to be paid, have a pension etc.

Note to self:
If I get divorced and am looking for a relationship, stay away from farmers.
Tell daughter to stay away from farmers and their sons.

Wtf. Anytime I read about a farmer husband, it is a nightmare situation.

Most people hand what they have over to their children when they die without requiring them to work unpaid for 40 years beforehand.

Yes, my grandmother begged me not to marry a farmer “you'll work till your sick and have you’re ass kicked at the same time” I wish I had listened

I would honestly suspect he either doesn’t love your or he’s cheating.

Not because of the long work hours, but because he comes home and he’s still checked out. He puts 0 effort in.

I would leave because you’re already on your own as it is.

He doesn't sound remotely like someone capable of cheating. He sounds like an infant.

Thank you, I don't think he is, I could never imagine it, he is just so passive and complacent about everything I feel like he needs a good shake but even then I don’t think it would help

If he is a farmer there will be an inheritance issue. Working for very little awaiting the farm inheritance to work it is quite the norm for farming families but have big effects on the relationships within the family. If he is the only farming son and no other siblings then he will inherit. At the same time, his life ( from childhood) is impacting your family life. He is passive in your relationship and passive with his parents ( avoiding conflict) He needs to step up and have mature conversations with his parents on the future even if there is backlash. He needs a level of control over the farm. Farming requires dedication 24/7 when he will eventually be in charge and make changes according to income and family needs. He does not have to walk away from the farm but if he can choose to he can drop hours at the farm for other better paying work and parents can choose to sell some of the animals on. If he keeps choosing or prioritising theirs needs or wants then you need to get your ducks in a row and start to separate as actions speak loudly.

I'm going against the grain here. Well, not against the grain but I want to let you know, you're in precisely the situation my dsis was at your age. I don't know your dcs ages but her 3 were very young.

Bil was utterly useless like yours, completely beholden to his family and angry too. I woild 100% have left him if I was her back then.

However, over his late 20s and into his 30s he grew up, detached from his family, found some ambition and became a decent earner (never as high as dsis but still), and now is a solid pillar of the community type. He's devoted to her and the dc now and I really envy their marriage.

It's quite possible your dh won't change like this over the years, I just don't know. One indicator that I've found very accurately predicts a man's behaviour - how does his father treat his mother? They tend to follow the same pattern (not counting those who deliberately choose to and work on being different, and even those ones often revert to type over time)

I just find the not acknowledging a question that gets asked lots of times and isn’t rude strange, not just on this thread. You can just say you’d rather not answer it.

Ah, sorry I see OP has confirmed he’s from the farming community. I’ve been away from the thread for a while.

Oh fuck me, no.

I knew a couple (I live very rural) who were in similar situation but lived in cottage on farm. They didnt mind the drudge & no money as set to inherit, what they didnt know was the parents were heavily in debt and also did equity release on the farm, including the cottage. On death of first parent the whole house of cards came down, they found themselves homeless, no savings, couldnt afford rent, no career, it was a shit show. So on that experience and you say they are not nice people, do not assume inheritance is a given, adding into that the new laws. Make sure you and your child are secure.

I know DH is a good man even with all this going on, my FIL treats his wife poorly, DH is not as mean to me as his father is to his mother. DH is very angry to at times, tired, stressed, overworked and possibly resenting his own family whilst i an resenting him, its quite the situation 😪

Even if the parents are sincere, I would recommend you watch "The Field", with Richard Harris. Generations of small farmers slaving away their entire lives over land they didn't want, but wanted to pass down to their sons, who didn't want it either, but once they had it felt obliged to slave away at it "so they had something to pass down to their children".

One way to handle it is either not to officially divorce at all but just to send him home to his parents and separate.

Let them know you are waiting until he inherits the farm to divorce in order to take half his assets. See if he and his parents would rather force a divorce now and trade you full ownership of your premarital assets (ie the house) and full control of the kids (or 70/30) for a clean divorce now. If he ever inherits—which he may not—he can still pass the inheritance to his children with you. But you will be free and clear.

Seems like he's enmeshed with them due to obligation and guilt, and maybe fear too as you say they're not very nice people. I'm not familiar with the farming world but somehow he needs to want to break free in order for the marriage to work. I feel for you.

Speak to a solicitor to check your position, but this sounds like a good idea for negotiating with him.

And keep a record, if you don't already, of the time you spend with the kids - breakfast, school drop off, inset/holidays, homework, bedtimes, illness, doctor and dentist appointments. The whole lot.

Have you posted before? This is about the third thread I have seen like this

He's not a good man, he treats you like a total doormat. You think he'll have the kids 50/50 just to dump them on his mum so he doesn't have to give you any maintenance - that is the actions of a selfish prick. He's a bad husband and a terrible father.

No i havent x

He isn’t a husband..he’s a lodger

Well all farmers must be cocklodgers because I've definitely read two other threads on a similar vein. Can't remember what the outcome was.

You should leave him and go far away