Husband cant give me what I want/need AIBU to leave?

[Mayhooray]

Ive become increasingly unhappy in our marriage (incidentally our wedding anniversary is tomorrow) My husband just cannot give me what I need/thought life would be like. When first marrying, he lead me to believe that he was a provider. As it stands he contributes nothing to family life, I pay all bills, manage all house work and all childcare. He works for his dad for a measly wage, but spends 24/7 at his parents “working”. He works extremely long hours for this measly wage and we hardly ever see him, there are no days off no trips out no family holidays. When he does come home most nights youngest is already in bed and he will spend his evening eating his super, spending about an hour in the bath, another hour maybe two on the phone to his friends, might pop in for a quick chat with our eldest DS who is 8, then spends the rest of the evening on his phone. This evening we have had a falling out, with our anniversary coming up i have been wanting to be intimate, last night he went out with the boys and he promised he would come home early so we could have some time together, fast forward to half 1 this morning, and he comes in, goes straight to sleep. This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

So I assume you work full time, pay all the bills an do all the childcare? You are not gaining anything from having him in your life and certainly, if anything, you'll be better off financially as you want be funding his food, water and gas. And you might at least get a (small) amount in CMS.

I would not be concerned about 50/50. tell him to move back to his parents. If he wants 50/50, he can take you to court via mediation. He is unlikely to do that. If he does, I think you can very easily demonstrate that you are the primary carer (all school runs, all bed times, his going out and you being unable to go out as he prioritises his preferences, his lack of financial support), and that therefore 50:50 is not in the best interests of the children vs a more sensible - EOW (possibly just one night) and one night a week for dinner.

You probably know already that you need him, and he probably knows it deep down too. This dynamic isn’t going to foster a happy marriage, and forcing yourself to be intimate with him will not fix things. I would have a very serious conversation with him about how you feel and give him 6 months to sort himself out. It’s on him, not you, to make changes. If he can’t or won’t, then you really are better off alone.

What needs to happen is that he breaks away from his parents’ business and finds himself a new job.

If he is working for a pittance, that is exploitation.

There is a net transfer of funds, in a way, from your household finances to his parents’ retirement coffers. Actually, his parents are exploiting you, too, because you have to make up for the shortfall by being responsible for all family finances.

He sounds like a useless man baby and I'm surprised you even want to be intimate with him at this point. He is a walking talking turn off.

Oh god, don't tie yourself down into such a miserable life!

But if you'd already made this arrangement and discussed it with him then when he says "I'm off to choir practice tonight" you say "no, you're looking after the kids because I'm doing X aswe agreed".

Why are you being such a doormat?

No way would I put up with that shit. Get a divorce, you are getting nothing out of this situation and neither are your children.
They threaten 50/50 but rarely go through with it.
They only care about not paying CMS.

Sorry, but he sounds worse than useless.

Does he spend his measly wage on himself or does he contribute to family expenses?

This. Honestly nothing will ever change. Get lawyered up and on your way. He will still be like this in 30 years.

He’s a farmer isn’t he? The family business, measly wage, long hours, no holidays …
Youre worth so much more than he’s giving you and your children.

He works 24/7 and you resent him having a bath? You sound a bit needy and grabby.

Is he a farmer?

He works 24/7 for his family and OP sees none of this money at all. She pays for everything so he is actually the grabby one.

She isn't needy, she can and does manage everything on her own. She would be better sending this mummy's boy back to his parents.

Farmer by any chance?

Id do marriage counselling with a view to separating amicably

100%. I'd imagine he might pop round for an hour on a Saturday afternoon at most to visit his kids if you separate. Which you must! Why on earth put up with this misery?!

Because Im scared of the impact seperating will have. Im scared of the impact on the children, and tbh I’m scared of his family, they are very very unpleasant people who will make my life even more miserable than it already is. They thrive off dramas /gossip and stories. They twist and turn things to suit them. I have very little support of my own, i have my father near by and he is my biggest support and help but is 80. My brother lives away and my friends are also his friends, i have been with him since I was 18 so our lives are quite intertwined. I know in my heart i will be far happier without him, its just finding the guts to do it.

Are you serious? They don't actually pay him any salary from the family busnies he works for, but he is entirely dependent on asking them for money as and when he needs it?

I expect he was in the family business when you met him, earning basic wage when you met him, hopeless round the house, doing his own thing. Why did you marry him and have a child? Honest question. Did you think he would change? Was he ever any good at being intimate and just can't be bothered?
The upshot is you have put up with it, his life is still the same. I don't see him having an epiphany so you are no worse off without him. Do you, him, his parents own your home?
Ask him to move back to his parents, unhappy parents create atmospheres and unhappy kids, better to be happy without him.

Edited to say posted before your last update. Call women's aid and sign up for the freedom program to get real professional support xx

Maybe start by telling him you want £1500 a month paid each month into a bills account.
Tell him if he won't do this from his current job, he can find a new one...
Then wait and see what the response is.
If he starts to argue then you have found a way to start the conversation .

Indeed. This sounds like modern-day slavery to me, but OP's DH is so used to the set-up he probably doesn't realise it and, well, it's "family"! 🙄

Yes, I was also wondering whether it was farming, as that would be the only conceivable 'excuse' I can imagine for all that work for no real pay. In farming, it is quite common to have the understanding that the sons work for nearly nothing on the family farm as it would be passed on at some point.

@Mayhooray

"its just finding the guts to do it" Totally understandable when children are involved.

Read this it may be helpful?

Leaving is a scary process but you cannot stay and waste your life, surely?

The impact staying has on you and your children is much worse than you breaking up.
Get your financial ducks in a row and then take action to start separating and divorce.

How was he any different before you married him and had children? If he was the same useless lump pre-marriage, then pre-first child, why did you think he would change going forward? Did you ever work and provide for the family?