Husband cant give me what I want/need AIBU to leave?

[Mayhooray]

Ive become increasingly unhappy in our marriage (incidentally our wedding anniversary is tomorrow) My husband just cannot give me what I need/thought life would be like. When first marrying, he lead me to believe that he was a provider. As it stands he contributes nothing to family life, I pay all bills, manage all house work and all childcare. He works for his dad for a measly wage, but spends 24/7 at his parents “working”. He works extremely long hours for this measly wage and we hardly ever see him, there are no days off no trips out no family holidays. When he does come home most nights youngest is already in bed and he will spend his evening eating his super, spending about an hour in the bath, another hour maybe two on the phone to his friends, might pop in for a quick chat with our eldest DS who is 8, then spends the rest of the evening on his phone. This evening we have had a falling out, with our anniversary coming up i have been wanting to be intimate, last night he went out with the boys and he promised he would come home early so we could have some time together, fast forward to half 1 this morning, and he comes in, goes straight to sleep. This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

YANBU OP

LEAVE him. I did this recently for similar reasons but I am 43. I wish I left at 33. I'm having the best time now

Yes, find the courage to do it. My friend decided that she would leave her partner once the children were all grown up. She did this. The problem was that by the time that happened her life had passed her by (she was an older mum to boot) and she had to deal with all that entails...the loss of her looks etc. She was depressed over it for ages. We only get one chance at life. Please don't waste yours. The children will be fine if you leave - they will probably be better off.

Sounds like a nightmare. I see zero benefits. No money, no help, no sex. Do you love him? Are the kids close to him?

I live in a farming community and this sounds like a lot of the husbands around here. They work at the ‘Family’ farm/industrial business a few miles away, its really an excuse to have little to do with the wife and kids and live like a teenager at their parents house.

I think he would go for 50/50 to avoid paying CM but then just leave the children with his Mum and find somewhere else to be - so OP is right to be concerned about custody if she decides to leave.

33? Get out now. You have your whole life ahead if you. Why be stuck with this fool just because he is stuck?

He is not loving towards you, not generous, and not caring. He treats you like a farm animal: you produced children, give milk and do labour for him but other than that you get left in an outbuilding until he remembers he needs something from you.

Dump him snd let him get on with his farm servant life.

If you want to know how to do it just start making demands on him and invidious comparisons to better lifestyles. He can’t keep up and he will rather leave and sulk.

My first thoughts when I started reading.

All incredibly similar in the way they're written. Just never seems to be the same poster

Its an absolutely chronic issue in farming communities. There are nearly identical posts on parking or hedges here all the time yet no one ever says—suspiciously—“did you post this before?”

The issue of child arrangements is really a big one and “ just leave him” fails to acknowledge that. playing a slightly longer game- is it possible to move a little bit further away so that doing 50-50 would be impracticable?

I agree, I can see how it might seem unusual to those in urban or suburban areas but in the countryside its absolutely rife. I live in the Scottish Highlands in a sheep crofting area and have two friends/neighbours who are in exactly this situation.

Opting out of family life in this way seems to be worse at the beginning when there are babies - most of the farming men I’ve known over 30 years here do seem to step up a bit more once the children are older and more relatable and his childhood friends have moved on in life and stopped spending every evening in the pub.

I think people are naturally suspicious on MN and it only occurs to people here to say ‘have you posted this before?’ once someone says ‘is he a farmer?’.

Immature manchildren are still horny 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Mayhooray

Listen, anyone is entitled to leave any relationship at any time for any reason. Or no reason at all. And you have a very, very good reason. You are unhappy. Maybe we aren't supposed to expect life to be a bed of roses 24/7, but we are certainly supposed to be reasonably happy. And you are not.

See a solicitor ASAP. If your house was yours before marriage, you really need to know where you stand as far as any claim he may have on it and any other assets you may have had before the marriage. Chances are that he has no real assets in his name. Because chances are his parents haven't put his name on diddly squat.

As far as the DC, well, I know it will be hard to have them away from you. But chances are it won't be 50/50 in 'real life', even if that is what the court orders. Again, talk to a solicitor. Find out what is 'usual' in your area and what your options are. But staying in a horrible marriage will destroy 'who you are'. And that doesn't help your children one bit. Eventually they will pick up on how things are. They may even learn lessons about relationships that you don't want them to learn. A divorce will upset them for a time. But they will heal. And growing up they will see children of divorce all around them. It's not the stigma it was in my day.

You are too young to spend the next 20 to 50 years of your life in unhappiness. Yes, it will be hard and painful to divorce. But things that are worth doing usually are. And you will be free to live your life in peace and calm.

I said he didnt sound capable, I didn't say he wouldn't want to.

When you say exactly this situation, do you mean they work for their parents and get no defined salary and just have to ask for money like a 14 year old?
Because a farmer working long hours and not being there, I am not surprised by, but the latter I find shocking.

In DH case he receives a very small monthly wage, if anything else is required yes he does have to ask, or at least ask his gather for the business card.

*father

What strikes me abotu this set up, is that therefore his parents must be 100% aware that YOU are funding their son, and, ultimately, THEM. And they're okay with that?

It's so weird, all my parents wanted for me and my siblings was for us to be independent....

My dsis I mentioned before had this dynamic re money. Not all parents want their dc to be independent!

I felt so sorry for her, she had to list their bills that needed paying, basically beg them for her dh's wages.

Though it did work out well in the end (miraculously)

Yes, around here a few work and eat every day at the parents business, either farming or industrial, plant hire etc some distance away. I wouldn’t say ‘asking for money like a 14 year old’ but often working for nothing/very little because ‘family business’ or ‘helping Mum and Dad’.

The parents have often bought the couple’s marital home (another small farm) so they’re ‘owed’, both work and company.

The men I’m thinking of who do this usually also have a job or two on other unrelated farms, sometimes in other counties which keeps them out of the house (away from the babies and emotional wife) even more, sometimes for weeks at a time. Its easily justified as ‘doing this all for you’ when challenged.

The whole thing seems to get better once the kids are all over about the age of 8 and the family situation stabilises. I’ve never known anyone leave over it. In my experience in rural areas with family farms going way back on both sides leaving is much easier said than done and very rare unless there’s physical violence.

Hit the wrong button, sorry. You're not being unreasonable.

Why would parents do this to their kids?

There are only two solutions here OP.

1. End the marriage, separate and live your life

2. Put up with it, be miserable and waste at least ten more years of your life

Both are hard choices but I know which I would choose.

They don’t see it that way. Independence isn’t much of a ‘thing’ in the same way as the place I came from (an urban industrial area with lots of nuclear families and migrant workers).

We are outsiders here having only lived in this community for 30 years and having no children but most people I know in our crofting region live in extended family groups going back many generations, sometimes in the same farmhouse, sometimes on adjoining land but elderly parents remain the top priority for the son who has inherited or wants to stay, until their deaths. Other sons do move away/become estranged.

Its a very traditional way of life that has its faults, but then so does individualism, in my opinion. I’m not going to get into a discussion about that though!

That is really well put @BippityBippityBoo

Exactly what I witnessed with my dsis. Right down to it getting better once the kids were all over the age of 8.

Though there's no crystal ball for OP.

Because in peasant families the most important source of free labour is that of children and their spouses.