Husband cant give me what I want/need AIBU to leave?

[Mayhooray]

Ive become increasingly unhappy in our marriage (incidentally our wedding anniversary is tomorrow) My husband just cannot give me what I need/thought life would be like. When first marrying, he lead me to believe that he was a provider. As it stands he contributes nothing to family life, I pay all bills, manage all house work and all childcare. He works for his dad for a measly wage, but spends 24/7 at his parents “working”. He works extremely long hours for this measly wage and we hardly ever see him, there are no days off no trips out no family holidays. When he does come home most nights youngest is already in bed and he will spend his evening eating his super, spending about an hour in the bath, another hour maybe two on the phone to his friends, might pop in for a quick chat with our eldest DS who is 8, then spends the rest of the evening on his phone. This evening we have had a falling out, with our anniversary coming up i have been wanting to be intimate, last night he went out with the boys and he promised he would come home early so we could have some time together, fast forward to half 1 this morning, and he comes in, goes straight to sleep. This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

@Mayhooray If you're feeling like this at 33 OP, how will you feel at 43? 53?
I've read so many comments on MN from women who have faced the "scary" prospect of leaving a deeply unhappy and/or abusive marriage and all of them have said that, despite some inevitable challenges, it's "the best thing I've ever done" - they have literally found the happiness they craved, either by being on their own with their DC or with a new partner in a blended family.
Take that leap of faith OP - you owe it to yourself and your DC.

It's actually really good that you can see what you're afraid of.

I can imagine that the current reality, because it seems known, appears less scary than the unknown of what happens if you leave him.

But there are hundreds of women on here who can tell you how much better their lives are since they left the father of their children for being useless.

I think you meant "Did he ever work and provide for the family?" It's absolutely clear from OP's first post that she is the one who does all the provision for the family.

No OP you should be scared of NOT splitting. Very unhealthy relationship dynamics are being taught to the DC and they will mimic them unless you
do something about it. You’d be better off showing them what a strong independent woman looks like and the consequences of not pulling your weight in a relationship.

You deserve better and so do your children.

I get really frustrated when people come on here and moan about their lives but won’t answer any questions from the very people they are hoping will help them! This poster has been asked time and time again what her husband’s job is. Does she answer? No, of course not. She has also been asked many other things in an effort to help her improve matters, but the answers she gives are on her own terms and don’t really address the questions.
I lose patience with people like this and feel that, if they won’t discuss the issue, then they should be left alone to deal with it themselves. I just don’t know why she bothered asking!

Good. Then she already does everything, supports herself and the kids financially and doesn't need him for anything (or rather, he doesn't give her anything emotionally or physically of any worth). Nothing to be scared of, just ditch the useless lump and carry on.

@Ilikeadrink14 I agree. It’s quite odd that op bypasses the millionth time asked if it’s farming and won’t acknowledge in any way, even just to say she doesn’t want to reveal what it is.

is it odd?

We all have to be cautious on SM, surely?

@Mayhooray has given enough information to read between the lines and offer our thoughts, no?

I am going to make an educated guess that the family business is a family farm - have you posted about your situation before OP ?

Apologies, I did not realise not posting in depth details would cause offence, yes he is a farmer, but my situation is still the same, farmer or not.

I often agree that posters are weird to ignore questions, but I'm not sure it's relevant here? he works long hours, earns very little money, contributes nothing, is under the control of his parents - it doesn't realyl matter if the family business is a farm or a carpentry shop or a team of plumbers. Sure, it might mean that more people who also come from farming communities might have more/less sympathy but in this case, Im' not sure it's relevant - OP is carrying the financial and practical load and she's not happy.

Maybe not. Where do you live. Is the home attached to the farm or do you independently own it?
There are different rules on divorce for farming properties

It's already over.
It sounds like it's time to go through the formalities and make it official.

I’m Sorry Op, I did not mean to add to your distress. It’s just family farms bring their own particular problems and issues like housing and inheritance and “ promises” of a better future. I just thought people could give you more targeted specific advice if this was the case. I wish you a happier future and strength for whatever lies ahead,

I never understand these posts. How did he lead you to believe he was a provider? Was he generous to start or did he just appear to have things?

The whole things sounds utterly miserable anyway, so cute your losses and go. At least you know you can provide for yourself.

Do you live in a tied property on the farm? if yes than you need help to find accommodation. You need to speak to womens aid to find out your options, if only to find what options you have. If you live away from the parents thats easier ask him to move out, you are paying for everything anyway. Usually a perk of the hard labour is a rent free home on farm as part of the salary. If this isnt the life you want the sooner you get your options sorted the better.

No we live in a property I own in another village, he has a lot to travel which adds to the distress, there is no room on the farm for him but he is still expected to work. The promise of a rent free home in exchange for his labour was dangled in front of us before marriage and children by his parents, who quickly took that promise from him.

Then you are not being unreasonable to ask he moves back to his parents or gets a better paid job with set hours, that would probably do him a favour as well. You need to tell him it just isn't working for you, you personally are supporting him, his parents and his child, it's too much. It's a starting point but if he is in such a dysfunctional family he won't be able to break away easily, family guilt and servitude is a strong emotional factor, however it is his problem not yours and certainly not your child's fault xx

No, leave this man.

He brings nothing to the table. You are both setting a shit example to your children. A really grim example of how a woman should be treated and how a father behaves. History will repeat itself. Never mind you and your husband. Break the chain for the sake of your children, their future partners and your grandchildren.

It's more ignoring questions that annoys people. Saying "I'd rather not answer that" is fine but when a lot of people are asking the same question it can be frustrating when an OP answers a lot of less important ones, but not that.

Has he given you any reasons why he continues to work long hours for zero salary? Is he capable of constructing an argument as to why he's better off carrying on like this?

Becuase to be quite honest at the moment he doesn't sound like any sort of functioning adult.

This is wierd. YANBU. He’s not behaving like your partner at all! X

Speak to a solicitor and find out the reality of your situations.

From what you say, he is basically slave labour.

Look into national minimum wage - and pension law. His parents may be breaking the law.

Find out the reality of willing and inheriting farms under today's conditions. What is his and your children's future realistically going to be like?

Bear in mind that as your husband he co-owns your house, its contents, your income, savings, pension.

Find out the likelihood of him being able to get 50/50. If this happens, your children will be living in that farmhouse with those people away from you for half their time, with you paying for it.

You'll need to gather ALL the evidence and the practicalities.

What's the distance from school like?

What hours do you work?

What's the current and historic childcare duty split like?

Do a detailed breakdown of exactly what you do and what he does.

How much you spend on absolutely everything child and home care related. Records and receipts.

I don't think he'll ever change. He's probably the latest product of generations living this way - is it an old farming family? Has it been in their hands for a long time?

He's been infantilised by them, his childhood bedroom is preserved so he'd go straight back there as the cheap live in farmhand. Generations of fear, obligation and guilt are just playing an old story out once more with him. All ambition and independence stunted out of him. It is in effect, cultural.

And he seems semi detached as a family man. You were together as teenagers; were you both inexperienced and did you have the children young?

Is there any indication your children might be sucked into this too? Are you in fact breeding and raising up their next generation of dirt cheap farm workers?

You need. Professional. Help.

For him as a farmer, its the guilt of leaving his father in a mess, it would be the guilt of leaving the animals with no one to tend to them and the guilt if he left of not having anything to pass on to his son, but its just not working. I agree his parents are key in this but they are very unpleasant people. I doubt he ever will walk away so I think im going to have to x