Husband cant give me what I want/need AIBU to leave?

[Mayhooray]

Ive become increasingly unhappy in our marriage (incidentally our wedding anniversary is tomorrow) My husband just cannot give me what I need/thought life would be like. When first marrying, he lead me to believe that he was a provider. As it stands he contributes nothing to family life, I pay all bills, manage all house work and all childcare. He works for his dad for a measly wage, but spends 24/7 at his parents “working”. He works extremely long hours for this measly wage and we hardly ever see him, there are no days off no trips out no family holidays. When he does come home most nights youngest is already in bed and he will spend his evening eating his super, spending about an hour in the bath, another hour maybe two on the phone to his friends, might pop in for a quick chat with our eldest DS who is 8, then spends the rest of the evening on his phone. This evening we have had a falling out, with our anniversary coming up i have been wanting to be intimate, last night he went out with the boys and he promised he would come home early so we could have some time together, fast forward to half 1 this morning, and he comes in, goes straight to sleep. This evening i again wanted to be intimate, he finally got out of the bath and we tried, but he was just so awkward, he bent my knee in such away i told him to get off and leave me alone. Ive literally had enough!

There have been other similar threads as you have said. Almost identical info.

Maybe farmers wives are starting a revolution

Up your standards!
Less abusive than his dad does not = good man.
He's a crap father too, he's not going to suddenly go from doing his best to avoid spending time with his kids to wanting 50/50.

Send him back to his mum's full time and get on with your life. This one's not a keeper.

I think the one big difference between OP and this sort of set up - I also recognise it although more from a cultural perspective than a farming one - is that the difference is that the family business, is to some extent, supporting the entire family - eg by providing a home, food for all members of the family, perhaps other familial support in the form of collaborative chores/childcare etc.

So disposable income might well be limited but the family, collaboratively, are providing the basics.

This isn't happening here - OP is living away from teh farm, paying rent/mortgage and all bills etc.

You need to tell him how unhappy you are and that you don't intend on letting things carry on as is.
You can't afford and don't want to keep carring him, and effectively his parents.

If you yourself own the property that you all live in tell him you'd like him to move out to give you some thinking time...and stretch that thinking time until you're ready to make a decision, a decision that's based on what's best for you, no one else.
It seems you're quite capable of financing yourself and your DC.

Use this time wisely to see if you could actually live without him.
Don't be bullied into rushing things and taking your DH back, if his family get involved make it as plain as you can that you neither want or need any input from his parents on your relationship with your DH.

You yourself seem in a strong position finance/house wise ultimately it's your choice how you'd like you future to pan out.
You can let it carry on and waste your life to the farming way or move on while still so young and build what you really want for yourself and your DC.

Yes, I see that. Its just quite hard not to go down the rabbit hole of what you know when you’re specifically asked about it, as I was there.

I wish OP all the best whatever she decides to do.

Well, there’s someone else in exactly your situation then. Exactly.

Your life is for you to enjoy and nobody should be bringing you down leave him

Totally agree with this.

There are loads in exactly my situation, all my friends are farmers wives x

Its obvious to anyone in farming that this was a farming family because it's such a common scenario.

I'm late to the thread so probably going over old ground but I'd say a mininum of a third of all farming families in this country have this exact issue or something very similar.

It's a major part of the reason the inheritance tax issue won't go away - so many farming families basically treat the younger generations like slaves on the basis that they inherit everything to continue with one day.

Farming can be like an addictive drug. You know its bad for you but it just becomes the most important thing in life at the cost of your relationships your health and your finances. It's why divorce and suicide rates in farming are both sky-high.

I asked this upthread too and don’t think OP has answered this either.

It’s probably not super relevant to what she does now but I’m curious to know how men “pretend” to be a provider.

It’s not clear to me why @Mayhooray ever thought he would pull his weight financially let alone be the main provider. It doesn’t sound as if he was earning lots or doing all the housework at any point of their relationship.
A lesson to others, judge men by their actions not by what they say.

I remember dating a guy who earned well over 100K, he had a lot of investments too, very smart with money but I noticed early on despite him claiming he was a “provider”,
he was far stingier with money than many men I’d dated before who had less. He liked to spend a lot on himself and even said he himself liked to be “spoilt” by partners so it wasn’t that he was frugal or didn’t like nice things but he just didn’t want to spend on me .

once he asked what I’d like for my birthday and before I even opened my mouth to answer he rushed in and said “ I bets you don’t really want a lot do you”

I think he was trying to groom me to accept the bare basics so I just said goodbye.

It wasn’t just about the money/stinginess but I didn’t like he was trying to deceive me and his words and actions weren’t adding up. It’s almost like he thought talking about the money he had could replace spending it on me. He was trying to dangle the idea of him being a provider in front of me but I could see if we ever got married and had kids no way would I have much access to his money.

Did you ever work and provide for the family?

Well yes it sounds like she has always worked and provides for the family. Which is why I’m mystified she thought married would be any different.

Well before we were married we were living separetly with no children. He had his wage I had mine, please bare in mind I have been with him since 18. Like ive previously posted his parents led him to believe that if he continued to work at the farm and thing were serious between us, he would be provided with a home for us and any future family, the work he did to generate income for the farm would go into our bills etc. His parents took this promise from him and we found ourselves in a position where I needed to provide a home, pay bills etc etc and his position on the farm has still remained the same

That's really hard.

Is there any chance you could change the living situation so it's less detrimental to you? Could you say you're unable to pay for the house anymore? Or somehow wangle it so they have to provide for you (or you'd be wihout a home?), using his "free" labour as leverage?

Although I guess if you own the house then hopefully it's increasing in value, so at least you've got that.

Also I wonder if you could have marriage counselling and get him to really think about his enmeshment - see clearly how he's being taken advantage of by unpleasant people. And actually, is this really the life he wants to pass on to his son?

Maybe with some help he could imagine a different future where he breaks away?

Thanks for clarifying that - well that’s unfortunate they lied to you, but did you not have any idea of how much his wage was before you married? Was he living independently or with his parents?

I appreciate you weren’t living together but if you get to the point of being engaged I’d have thought you’d have known how much money he had - or were his parents paying him more before you got married?

Anyway moving forward now that things are drastically different from what he and his parents led you to believe, have you sat down and spoke to him about this and said it’s unsatisfactory and essentially not what you signed up to?

he would be provided with a home for us and any future family

Did they provide a home btw?

ETA

I see you’ve already answered this and no they did not.

The promise of a rent free home in exchange for his labour was dangled in front of us before marriage and children by his parents, who quickly took that promise from him

That’s completely awful they deceived you like this and again a warning to all to look at people’s actions not their words.

Yes he lived with his parents. Yes I was aware of his wage however with his parents promise that he would have a home and would be able to pay for his bills from the farms income (seeing that he works to generate that income) the situation would have been fair enough.

The more you type, the more I wonder if the issue here is his parents. That doesn't mean you should stay with him, but can you sit him down for a final very serious conversation about how you've both been let down by his parents and then see what happens?

Yeah I see what you mean. Living rent free would’ve made a massive difference. It’s awful that they deceived you like this.

Has your husband never said anything about his parents lies? Have you ever raised it with him - or is it like the elephant in the room?

Also…I’m not psychology expert but I wonder if he feels some shame about the situation but instead of being brave enough to confront his parents or at least make a plan with you to escape the situation, he has chosen the cowardly route where he avoids you/family life and buries his head in the sand.

Based on this update alone I'd do something that in my opinion is a last resort, and that's give him an ultimatum, but would that work.

You could possibly be in this alone anyway so do you stay and be unhappy/continue to sub everyone financially alone or separate and lead your life how you want to.
Where will your DH get money from to pay CM?

He obviously loves what he does or else he'd have found somewhere else by now, you don't live in a tied house so it's not as though his working there will affect whether you have a roof over your heads.

His parents have not stuck to their part of the deal, in doing so are treating not only your DH badly but also yourself.

But then they've seen you're doing what they should have done without much protest so I expect they are very happy to let it continue, saves them having to finance their DS.

I don't know if you've DS's or DD's but is this the life you want for them when they're old enough....to become farmers?

Would he consider looking for a tenancy for his own farm

Have you made that solicitors appointment yet, to find out his rights re national minimum wage and pension?

Does he even have a pension?