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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

277 replies

Charalf · 05/05/2025 22:19

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

OP posts:
Mollypolly2610 · 05/05/2025 22:21

Good luck you will need it!!

MadeleineAllbright · 05/05/2025 22:22

Yes, YABU. That’s overly controlling, and an invasion of their privacy. They are adults, and regardless of their living situation, deserve to be treated as adults.

It’s absolutely fine to give them a hard deadline of two years to move out together, but you cannot monitor their finances. You either trust them and want them there or you don’t.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2025 22:22

You’re absolutely mad. Mad. Don’t do it.

Poonu · 05/05/2025 22:22

This is a huge undertaking. Definitely set strict ground rules and boundaries. Wish you all the best of luck.

DorothyStorm · 05/05/2025 22:22

Yes yabu. Give them a specific deadline and it is then their problem.

however, this sounds like a terrible plan. You clearly don't have the room.

steff13 · 05/05/2025 22:23

Are they both working? If he's moving from across the country does he have a job lined up near where you live?

Aizen · 05/05/2025 22:24

First of all, what does her father (presumably your DH) say about ground rules and boundaries?

I would not give up my room for anyone. I know she is pregnant, but they are younger (I think!) and can use the living room.

I think it's reasonable to expect them to save like mad while living rent free with you. How you go about getting the evidence is up to you.

They should contribute to the food/utilities, even a token amount while they are there I think. Gets them budgeting for their own house.

You are very good to do this for them. Let's hope they appreciate it.

Brokenfurnitureandroses · 05/05/2025 22:24

Actually I think you are being unreasonable doing this to yourself.
you are being very kind but are you sure? This would be a very nice thing to do for a child. You are doing it for a step-child and her partner. And there will be a baby soon too! And doing it for up to 2 years!! And also moving out of your own room to a living room!
Are you really sure sure? Or are you being pressurised by your partner? These people are adults after all.
And no, you’re not being unreasonable at all to ask for evidence of saving.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2025 22:24

Are you really going to be able to turf them out with a baby when it turns out they can’t afford their own place in 2 years?

Hoppinggreen · 05/05/2025 22:26

If you didn't allow this what was their alternative plan?
You are being very generous

Picklechicken · 05/05/2025 22:26

You do realise they are never going to move out if you do this - unless you literally chuck them out?

Sorry op but you are being an absolute mug. There is no way I’d be doing this. My dd is the same sort of age and I would never, ever let her have a partner live with us, let alone give up my bedroom!

OrangeAndPistachio · 05/05/2025 22:27

Don't do it. They have very little reason to move if they have a room of their own and babysitters on tap.

Why can't she move in with him?

Brefugee · 05/05/2025 22:30

i wouldn't be moving out of my room for anyone, but i guess you've committed now.

No need to ask for proof - just be clear (and to your DH too) that they are moving out by X-date, no question. Or you get your own place.

ETA: but you are completely and utterly bonkers for even entertaining the idea

tiredbuttried · 05/05/2025 22:32

Picklechicken · 05/05/2025 22:26

You do realise they are never going to move out if you do this - unless you literally chuck them out?

Sorry op but you are being an absolute mug. There is no way I’d be doing this. My dd is the same sort of age and I would never, ever let her have a partner live with us, let alone give up my bedroom!

That’s not necessarily true.
most would much rather have their own place

cestlavielife · 05/05/2025 22:33

Just no.
Has her partner stayed over before? What job will he have? Why can't they rent something? Why do you want to live with couple and baby when you don't have the space?

Picklechicken · 05/05/2025 22:36

tiredbuttried · 05/05/2025 22:32

That’s not necessarily true.
most would much rather have their own place

Show quote history

Hmm. I’m not so sure. A lot of 20 somethings are very happy to stay home forever if it’s comfy enough and they’re allowed to have their partner live with them.

Ponderingwindow · 05/05/2025 22:38

I think you are insane to agree to this.

if you do, I would require they have an account specifically for saving for a house deposit that they are required to make a defined contribution to every month. You should be able to check the account. If they don’t like that option, they could pay you rent and you can save it for them.

They should be saving either what they would have paid in rent or 30% of their income, whichever is smaller, since in some areas rent is exorbitant.

I would also place conditions on employment. The partner should work full time. You need to come to an agreement on what stepdaughters maternity leave and return to work looks like.

you are giving up you bedroom. You need to be certain that they are doing everything possible to save as quickly as possible. If they balk and say they deserve privacy, let them get their own home.

QuickPeachPoet · 05/05/2025 22:39

Ridiculous idea.
She will be hanging around the house for months on end when she has the baby. You won’t even be able to get your space back while they are at work. Keeping you up through the night. Making a mess. Taking over the bathroom. I can’t think of anything worse.
If they wanted that badly to save for a deposit they should have considered their family planning a bit better.

Dinosweetpea · 05/05/2025 22:45

This is utterly bonkers!

thismummydrinksgin · 05/05/2025 22:57

Take rent but save it fir them?

AdaColeman · 05/05/2025 23:01

Don't do it.
It will all end in tears....probably your tears.

Has he got a job lined up? Who is going to care for the baby? Why doesn't she move to where he is living? How will you all fit into your small house?

HoskinsChoice · 05/05/2025 23:02

thismummydrinksgin · 05/05/2025 22:57

Take rent but save it fir them?

Exactly this! 👆

Bushmillsbabe · 05/05/2025 23:06

As others have said, do this as if it's a lodger. Agreement about rent (can save for then if wish) behaviours and expectations, what will happen if 'rules' broken, expected time frames etc.

MrsDoubtfire123 · 05/05/2025 23:10

Don’t do this OP . You don’t have enough space and your own marriage will suffer. It’s a lovely idea .. but you just don’t have the room sadly ! Don’t give up your room. It will end up feeling like you and your husband live with them , not the other way around. Good luck !

Heronwatcher · 05/05/2025 23:13

Just set a deadline.

I honestly think you’re mad and this is a recipe for disaster especially in a small
house. Really can’t you think of a reason to get out of it now?