Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

[Charalf]

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

It's just unbelievable the lengths parents have to go to these days because " kids didn't ask to be born".
Why.on earth did they decide on a baby when they can't house it?

This is an epic disaster waiting to happen

you’d be better charging them rent which you then set aside on an account for them. Chances of them saving are 0%

No you can’t monitor their finances ffs, way too controlling. But you are frankly bonkers to be doing this anyway. Recipe for disaster, sorry op. They are adults, presumably responsible enough to get pregnant therefore need to step up and get on with it. Help from a distance of course, but having them move in to what sounds like quite a small property is crazy, and giving up your bedroom is crazy on steroids. I hope your own relationship is strong, it’s going to need to be…

This is an absolutely horrendous idea.You don't have enough room to do this. A crying baby ,in the middle of the night, when there is nowhere for the mother to go ( because you are trying to sleep in the living room) is going to be a nightmare. They need to rent somewhere and live as adults. If they can't buy a house that's tough.

YABU

You can’t ask to see someones bank statements that’s controlling.

Just tell them they have until X date to find somewhere else to live.

It’s up to them whether they choose to save up their money or not.

6 months before the date, remind them that the date is coming up and that you can help them look for homes etc.

Getting them out may be the tricky part.

Have very strong, clear boundaries from the start about house rules, the amount of money they need to pay you and the date they need to move out by.

Adults live in their own adult houses. But actually, you are right, looking at statements is really intrusive and not on.

So if you're using the living room as a bedroom, you obviously don't have the room to house them.

Will you still be using the living as a living room during the day then just sleep on a sofa bed at night for 2 years? Your back will be knackered! What if you get ill and just want to go to bed? What about lie ins?

Do they currently work? If the partner is relocating, does he actually have a job to come to? No point him moving if he doesn't have a job. And what about DSD's maternity pay? Will that be enough to cover bills if he isn't working?

I don't think any of you have thought this through at all.

And you can't demand to see their bank statements, too controlling and if you're that controlling, the next 2 years are going to be utter hell all round.

When I fell pregnant, I had to live with my parents for 6 weeks before my house was ready after my rental contract ended, hell on earth! I wanted to rent short term but my mum insisted saying it was a waste of money, she was right but for the sake of sanity, I should have rented!

To answer your specific question, yes, I’m afraid to say that it would be unreasonable to insist on seeing bank statements. They are adults and aren’t obliged to show their financial information to anybody, even if being helped out to such an extent as you propose. You simply have to trust, that they are saving as required to be able to move out in two tears time. And have many open conversations about it along the way.

If you are close to your step daughter and have a really decent relationship with two-way respect and trust, then I don’t blame you for wanting to make this extreme gesture of help and kindness towards them. How else are they to be able to launch themselves as an independent little family with their own home. It is so difficult to do this without some form of financial help in this day and age.

Obviously, as many have already pointed out, it won’t be an easy time with many unexpected blips and trials along the way, especially with a new baby in the mix.
Every tiny detail of planning and ground rules really have to be examined and really thought out beforehand which it seems you are trying to figure out with your AIBU. It’s a sacrifice which clearly, others on here wouldn’t be prepared to make.
I applaud you for doing this and trying to give your step daughter this chance at a good life. It is extremely generous of you so all the very best to you.

Thankyou all, this was my idea. And actually took my partner some convincing before he agreed.

Our 12 year old also lives in the home and has his own room and has a say in the decision and knows he can speak up at any time.(he defiantly will)

I'm not expecting it to be easy, but want to be able to support them.

I have explained it will be on a 6 month rolling basis.

We are going to sit down, all 5 of us and discuss the particulates. Whilst it may not be a perfect solution, when it comes to family I'm very firm in the belief of doing everything I can for my children. Life doesn't always go to plan and I. Sure ill gain some grey hairs along the way.

The job opportunities for the type of job he does are much better here than where he lives and he stays over regulary and is extremely considerate and respectful.

You also have a child at home?? 12 going on 13 with hormonal, emotional rollercoasters quickly approaching??

You are mad to do this!

Sounds a terrible plan.

If you want to help, be it through helping them with practical steps such as helping the DP with a local job search in your area, or helping them identify affordable accommodation...supporting the daughter to be independent outside of your home...helping them set up a budget spreadsheet...helping them declutter to move into a small flat of their own. That kind of thing.

That is going to be a crazy set up and very cramped, I imagine there will be alot of stress and arguments in such close quarters.

However instead of saying no rent as long as you save, I'd be charging them rent and saving it for them. Xx

Good luck OP.

Crikey, you're a saint!

I wouldn't ask to see their savings, but you could offer to do a budget with the, and help with looking at a good savings account etc.

Where I would put house rules in place is around how you all live together. And how YOU retain some semblance of privacy, particularly giving up your room, and having a near-stranger move in.

What are your boundaries? This will be very important with your DSD's partner moving in. He won't necessarily know your family's practices, so you'll need to be really clear.

• How will you share the kitchen and bathroom? Cooking & showering times etc
• Who will do the cleaning?
• How will you & your DH have private space & time eg - how will you use the sitting room?
• How will your DSD's partner step up as a father? Wat will be your expectations (or not) of being a hands on grandparent?What about your DH's responsibilities as a grandparent?

For me, these would be far more important things to consider than their savings.

Giving up your bedroom or living room is not a good idea. Move 12yo to the box room and they can have his room. Arrange a monthly payment and save it for them. Set out ground rules for cleaning, noise, etc. Good luck!

Bollocks. If it were me I'd even say you can pay me rent and I'll save it for you for a deposit.

They're doing a massive favour for these adults which will give them a huge opportunity for the future. Perfectly reasonable to have basic house rules and them staying there being conditional on saving.

You'll not find much positivity for this 'supporting your children at all costs' here on mumsnet - it never fails to surprise me how cold this place can be about adult children.

I think you're doing the right thing though of course it's going to be hard work. My 'DIL's parents took her, my son & my grandson in when she was struggling with PND (I'd have had them in a heartbeat but don't have the room & they did, but only just) & I'll be eternally grateful to them for it.

Ultimately your DSD's boyf isn't likely to want to stay too long just like my son didn't. Going back to living with 'parents' is a total loss of privacy & independence & he'll probably want to get that back for them pretty quickly.

Set some clear boundaries, take some form of rent that you'll put aside (be clear that's what you're doing) so they can save through you. Don't ask to see what they are spending/saving, that's not fair cos they'll be in the early stages of new parenthood which could look like absolutely anything at all.

Good luck & I think you're doing the right thing.

Thankyou all, we have decided against uprooting my son, as I don't feel it is fair on him, to be more impacted by this than needs be and want to ensure he has his own space from what we appreciate will be chaos at times

I think this is an absolutely mad idea and your life will be horrendous.

So what's the plan? Are they not moving in anymore?

Well they didn't bother saving before deciding to have a baby, they will not save now.

I feel that the 12 year old should be prioritised in this situation, all a disaster in the making.

You don't have room for this. I'd rather pay an amount towards their rent for a year than do this. Why doesn't your step-daughter have savings if she lives at home?

You're simply planning to fail if you think removing the living room is a better option than putting the only solo person into a smaller room. Is there an option to pay their rent on a nice studio flat? So you start payment, they pick up bills and say 20% of the rent cost, then gradually increase their rent share until they are fully independent?

I let my adult children stay with me rent free. What I don't do is allow partners or babies they can't support.
Parents aren't required to support children at all costs, especially when it impacts their other children. There's such a thing as enabling.

I think a lot of responses to the OP are harsh, unless you are in that position with your DC'S you have no idea how you will react/ or cope I know from my own experience how you imagine you will cope or react differs entirely when you are presented in reality with the situation.

How lovely of you to offer this support. Just set clear boundaries and a clear deadline. It wont be easy, but if everyone is sensible and respectful it will give them such an enormous boost for the rest of their lives. I really would think about moving the 12yo though. It wont do him any more to have a smaller bedroom for a while. Perhaps some extra pocket money courtesy of big sis to sweeten the deal?
It's very British to be utterly horrified at a temporary sacrifice to help your nearest and dearest...