Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

[Charalf]

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

I see what you're saying but it's making a lot of assumptions, we don't actually know anything about the couples' situation but for him living a long way away. I mean, he could just stay away & make promises that never come to fruition, but he isn't so I'd take that as a good sign.

Heh. I am not British by birth. I'd say it is very unBritish to plan kids carefully.

What does this mean? You're no longer having them live with you? I ve seen adult siblings move home again when I was 10-15 and it's never been nice. They're adults who want to come and go whenever, cook whatever at any time, waste money on escaping the house, slacking on cleaning and washing up. Arguments will happen. It's stressful and horrible for the younger siblings. I personally would advise against it.

So what happens at the end of the two years when they haven't saved, haven't moved out as they cannot afford it and she is pregnant again?

A near identical scenario brought my brother and his wife to the edge of divorce and greatly impacted their mental health, it took a very long time for the family to recover from the damage done to all the relationships.

I suggest that you have a 'shared living meeting' every month set in stone. Here you can all bring up any niggle before it becomes a deal breaker.
As the home owners, you should also stipulate the time of the arrangement.

I would say they can stay for one year, then on a six month basis - with you giving them four months notice should you want to reclain their room.
Good luck with it all - it could be sweet.

The box room needs to work as well as it can. Brain storm that..

@Charalf rule one . The money you expect then to save . They pay to you monthly instead .
This is the only way to ensure they save and you get your home back .

If saving hard is the condition then I'd be wanting them to pay rent to me and I would save it on their behalf. Asking to see regular proof of their savings will seem controlling and infantalising and intrusive. So taken rent off them and saving it for them is the safer option.

Obviously it would have to be done in a legal and tax efficient way, so it isn't seen as your money which you then gift back to them, but they need to ideally not have access to that money otherwise the temptation to just fritter it will be too great. I think if you don't charge them rent at all and take it all on trust, then it's going to cause arguments and headaches further down the line. If you start to feel they are becoming accustomed to an unrealistically high standard of living and an overly generous disposable income because they don't save what they promised they would, it's going to cause huge resentment.

I'd do this for family too.

You could take 'rent' and put it into a savings account for them... But check out implications for tax / benefits etc first. Maybe better for them to set up a DD into an ISA or a LISA? It's topped up by government.

Not having a living room can be challenging. Have you explored other options? Look at ways of maximising living areas on a 'makeshift' basis?- eg boarding out loft, garden room, converting garage etc etc you will need clothes storage if sleeping in living room- understairs cupboard?

Your plan is insane!

Why would you suggest this?

Once you get this in you won’t be able to move them out again. You’ll feel bad for the baby etc,

Where was your stepdaughter living before? They can move to the other side of the country where he was from? Doesn’t he have a job?

That's a disaster waiting to happen. Your quality of life will go down the drain, and they'd probably never leave.

I'm really confused why so many think they won't want to leave & they'll never be rid of them etc, that's a really peculiar & cynical default assumption.

I think this is a crazy plan. four adults, an almost-teenager and a baby in a 3-bed, 1 living room house is going to be far too cramped, and you'll all get on each other's nerves.

Does SD's partner have a job lined up for when he moves in? He'll need one if they're to save any money to fund a move, esp while SD is on mat leave.

I'm another one in favour of the couple paying "rent" that you can save for them so they can find their own place.

Absolutely this!!

My daughter and her boyfriend moved in for the end of her pregnancy and first 6 months of grandsons life as they’d been living abroad in staff accommodation. They had a bedroom and bathroom here and you’d think plenty of space, but you forget about how much stuff babies need and the size of it. The travel system, bassinet, cot, bouncy chair, high chair, baby bath, changing mat, play mat, toys, clothes, even a packet of nappies is bigger than an adult shoebox.

It worked out ok for us, but we still had a sitting room. I don’t think your house is big enough to fit comfortably. It’s really hard

So are you just not going to have a living room for 2 years? How is that prioritising family and your 12 year olds needs? Where are you going to sit and spend time together as a a family?

On mumsnet everything British people do is WRONG
Everything other nationalities do is fine because "It's cultural."
There was a thread about a 3 year old being sent abroad away from parents the other day. All fine because "It's cultural." Even when a poster said their mother was from that culture and had been deeply damaged by being sent away at 3.

It’s a bad idea sorry. If they must stay with you then get them a bunk bed for the box room, you can’t sleep in the living room that’s ridiculous.

True, where does your 12 year old fit into this? Two extra adults and a baby in a cramped space. I'd hide in my room!

It will be a disaster.

I've done it in better conditions and all of us couldn't wait to have our own space again

It will destroy your relationship

A lady I know did this, albeit in a two bed and just her plus DD, DD’s partner and new baby. No husband or 12yr old to consider.
It was incredibly stressful for all concerned and didn’t end well. Find another way to support them would be my advice. If theyre old enough to be parents, they're old enough to sort their living arrangements.

Why don't you charge them a rent, and put that rent in a savings account as their house deposit. They will get used to paying monthly rent/mortgage at the same time.

I didn't say everything British people do is wrong did I? If we're allowed to criticise other cultures, surely we're allowed to criticise our own too?

No rent, no bills, probably no cooking or cleaning, bit of free babysitting thrown in, why would they leave?

Because most people don't want to live with their parents forever do they?

This won't be what you want to hear but there's no way this arrangement can work when you won't have your own space. You won't be able to simply go to bed when your bed is in the sitting room nor will you be able to get up late or lay in bed when one of you is unwell. They won't be able to have friends over because the sitting room is your bedroom. Your son will have to restrict his friends to his bedroom because the sitting room has the dual role of being your bedroom and you might have nowhere else to sit. It sounds as though you are the family problem solver but there is actually no reason why they can't find accommodation and live quite happily even if it takes longer to save for a deposit. I know I'm going to sound judgmental but two adults who have a baby on the way should be adult enough to sort their own accommodation out and not simply move in with mum and dad.

Have a look at the parents with adult kids forum.