Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

[Charalf]

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

This has disaster written all over it!

Does he have a job lined up for when he moves in with you? How much of a deposit are they likely to save in a year? Does she have a job that she'll return to? What about childcare? Are you in a 2-bed house with you in the main bedroom and her in a box room? Where will all your stuff go if you sleep in the living room?

I would not be doing this at all-you've going to feel like strangers in your own home and they will take over. I'd suggest they rent somewhere and you could maybe help them with a month's rent up front.

Does he have a good job lined up this end of the country?

Your SD will be on mat leave. Will her job give full pay or will they be left with one/reduced salary to save with?

As well as grocery shopping I'd have more gound rules over laundry, cooking, keeping tidy, cleaning. Don't be running around doing stuff for them.

All that said, I'd be damned if I'd give up my room for two years. I worry that it will get strained long before then but it will be difficult to get them to leave with a young baby.

Lovely offer but you can't be controlling in this way. As others have said, just keep to the hard deadline and make sure they know it won't slide. That should focus minds.

This is very generous of you, and I know you're doing it with good intentions, but it has disaster written all over it.

Where are you going to relax at night? In your bedroom to watch the tv? Or are you turning the box room into a lounge/den area? Or will this become a nursery?

They should be at least contributing to food and utility bills, even if you don’t take rent for living there. Two extra mouthfuls is alot to feed.

What's their working arrangements? Whats its line living with stepdaughter now?

How has this long distance relationship worked? How well do you know the boyfriend? Why isn’t she moving to where he is? How long have they been together?

The problem is babies are really expensive so saving might be difficult. Whilst this is so generous of you, your home is small.

What job has her partner got near you? What are their plans?

Don’t do it! It sounds like hell!

But if you do, take rent (at least £500 pm) and don’t tell them you’re saving a portion of it for them to get their own place.

Was the pregnancy unplanned?

Have to agree with majority saying not to do it. You’re assuming 2 years is all they need but life is complicated and so many things could happen preventing them leaving. If they’re all adults, the should just rent given how small your house appears to be.

If you do go ahead, why not charge them rent, but put it in a savings account... Then when the deadline hits you can gift it to them? That way they have reason to pull their weight and work hard, because they owe you the rent, but also they have the guarantee that they can afford to move out at the end of the 2 years?

I think most of the two-thirds who have ticked unreasonable have done so because they think the whole idea of them moving in is unreasonable.

Rather than referring to the question asked (Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regularly they are saving?)

They've no incentive to pay the rent then, because it's not rent, it's just a savings account.

Can’t believe this is real considering she’s probably get a flat and benefits.
You effectively will become unwanted people in your own house, living in the sitting room?
Totally undoable.

Like most pps I think this is a very bad idea. You have no idea what will happen when the baby is born, and the costs involved. Are you and her dad going to do childcare?

What sort of childcare do you expect to do?

Watch out for mission creep if you volunteer for one thing and end up doing more than you planned for.

I said unreasonable on the basis of asking to see financial statements. She just can't do that.

You should charge them “rent” that you then give to them as a lump sum. Unless she has demonstrated that she is really good with money (but the fact you want to see statements tells me otherwise…). This will get them used to the concept of paying a mortgage too, so you could justify it that way.

This is the obvious non-invasive solution. Work out how much they (realistically) need to save, work out how much they can save monthly, divide one by the other and add a couple of months for unforeseen circumstances...that's your deadline.

I agree. This whole situation has disaster written all over it.
The house is far too small, they could get a flat.

Same. You can't just ask to see personal details like this.

The only way they could guarantee money is being saved is to do as others suggest and charge rent and put into a savings account instead. This way the parents know the money is being saved and still effectively allow them to live for free in the home.

The whole idea is a bad one as I think every time they bought something or went out you would be questioning it, which could cause arguments. Would you be scrutinising their every move knowing that they are spending money they should be saving?

Personally I think you're mad to agree to move out of your room! A better idea would be to have SD & partner in the living room on a sofa bed & with a cot so that the room can still be a living room during the day & they'll have easy kitchen access if needed.
You definitely need to put something in place so that you have reassurance that they are saving enough for a deposit otherwise they might get too comfy & not move out for a long time.

I should have added that op shouldn't tell them they're saving it. They should just quietly keep it aside 👍

no way would I agree to this in my house. I have made it clear to my DD if she is old enough and mature enough to plan a family she has to do so under her own roof .
If her and her partner can’t provide a home of their own for a child, don’t have one .

What are the chances of them saving enough in 2 years that they’ll be able to put down enough of a deposit that they’ll have an affordable mortgage based on affordability, after all, they will have childcare costs to consider, and at such a young age probably don’t earn a great deal?

I would do the maths and if the timescale isn’t long enough then you’d be better off giving them a rental deposit and them renting, rather than upending your entire life for a pipe dream.

No no no. Do not give up your bedroom. That’s your only privacy. IF you are insistent that this happens (and it has disaster written all over it) then they have the sitting room. They are going to be up later than you anyway. You don’t have the room for this. Certainly don’t make them that comfortable that you feel like the lodgers as they have a bedroom and you don’t.

This is bonkers. You cannot move out of your own room. In essence you are turning your house over to them.

If you do go ahead, no, you can't go asking for savings account statements.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster.