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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

277 replies

Charalf · 05/05/2025 22:19

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 05/05/2025 23:15

Is this definitely what YOU want OP?

gamerchick · 05/05/2025 23:17

You don't have the room for 2 more people and the gear that brings with them OP.

No you can't go through their bank statements.

This isn't going to work.

TheSilentSister · 05/05/2025 23:18

I guess as she's already living with you, the baby would too. You don't have to invite the partner to stay though. Can you afford the extra elec, gas, water and council tax? If he doesn't come to live with you, they might be more inclined to find their own place.
Don't do it OP. You simply don't have the room.

pikkumyy77 · 05/05/2025 23:21

Don’t do this. Just don’t. It will be a disaster for them. People never save for a deposit under these schemes. And you are destroying your own quality of life. This will end in tears.

Othersideofworld · 05/05/2025 23:28

Like others have said, you can’t control their savings but what if you offer to charge a “rent” which they know if their savings for deposit and you’ll hold it in an account for two years, they can add more but it’s not to be withdrawn. Involve them in the plan, say how hard you have found it to save with young baby etc. this is to help them, etc.

FloatingSquirrel · 05/05/2025 23:31

Get them on the council waiting list. Unless they're both high earners then saving for a deposit will only be the first step. They'll likely need a high deposit to qualify to borrow enough given current house prices so unlikely to save enough in a year or 2 especially with a child to provide for.

AmusedGoose · 05/05/2025 23:34

Charge them rent but save it for them. Simple. Dontbdo too much babysitting as it may cause friction or they may come to rely on live in childcare.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2025 00:12

AmusedGoose · 05/05/2025 23:34

Charge them rent but save it for them. Simple. Dontbdo too much babysitting as it may cause friction or they may come to rely on live in childcare.

Save them money while giving up her bedroom for them?

PinkyFlamingo · 06/05/2025 00:23

You're giving up your room? Are you mad?

Gymnopedie · 06/05/2025 00:35

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Has she been saving for any of that time? If you're not going to charge them rent then presumably she hasn't been paying when it was just her. So does she have savings? What about him?

What is your relationship with her like now? Does she share the chores, is she considerate?

I understand that you want to do right by them but I think this could be a disastrous way to do it.

Tbrh · 06/05/2025 01:25

This is bound to end in disaster

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/05/2025 01:31

Bonkers idea!

You haven't the space and it's too long a period.

Also WHY would you give up your room??? If you're committed to idea.. Surely they should have the lounge??

YehRight · 06/05/2025 01:36

I don't think you can really request to view their bank statements. That's too much. You just give them a deadline and that's it. Although I understand your concern about not wanting to go through all this for nothing.

But I do think this will be tough. They'll likely have a completely different lifestyle to you being in their early 20s.

Delphiniumandlupins · 06/05/2025 02:01

How many other people are living in your home? Giving up your bedroom might be OK if you were swapping rooms but you are going to have no living room (unless you use the boxroom for clothing etc and only sleep in the living room). Even so, an extra adult and a baby are going to majorly impact your household. If they are buying their own food you'll need to work around each other in the kitchen. Some discussion around cleaning and laundry would be sensible, maybe a contribution towards increased utilities. However, you shouldn't try to monitor their savings and a definite departure date is needed. I think you are planning a very kind thing but it will be harder than you envisage.

BruFord · 06/05/2025 02:09

So they’re having a child whom they can’t actually house?

I disagree with @MadeleineAllbright because they’re not behaving like adults at all, they’re being extremely irresponsible.

So yes, I think that you can insist that they have a plan to save and find their own place in two years. If they don’t start adulting quickly, that poor child is going to have a rough time.

PeloMom · 06/05/2025 02:33

I agree with charging them rent and saving it for them (without telling them so that they budget better) if you want to ensure they have a lump sum. Don’t give your room- they have to figure out how they fit. If you make it too comfortable they’ll never have motivation to leave.

LadyChillT · 06/05/2025 02:37

fake a health condition that means the whole idea has to be scrapped

Dogpatter · 06/05/2025 02:41

I wouldn’t ask to see statement. Tell them to pay you rent and save it for them. They have it back when they choose to move out.

FiveShelties · 06/05/2025 02:52

I think you are being unreasonable for even considering having two adults who are expecting a baby to live with you, when you don't have enough space.

Muffinmam · 06/05/2025 03:05

Why would ever agree to this? It’s utter madness.

Muffinmam · 06/05/2025 03:06

Dogpatter · 06/05/2025 02:41

I wouldn’t ask to see statement. Tell them to pay you rent and save it for them. They have it back when they choose to move out.

I think this is the way to go. Better yet, put it in a Trust account.

Pinky1256 · 06/05/2025 03:13

I have always said that I can have my children live with me as adults but never with a partner. Issues will surely come up and it will only damage your current relationship with your SD. I see it time and time again, things will sour and you will be the bad one even though you are the one offering lots of help. A friend did it with her own son and new wife, fighting, spouse didn't want to work, at home all day and my friend supporting both of them.

Then in your case you don't even have the room, you won't have any type of privacy. Definitely take it back and help in different ways.

Kisskiss · 06/05/2025 03:45

Don’t give up your room, it’s a bad idea. They should use the box room ( as a nursery or for mum and baby) and the partner can use the living room?
thT will incentivise them to save for their own place.
you can’t demand to see bank statements, it’s controlling!! Also, set ground rules and ask for a nominal contribution to bills?

Elektra1 · 06/05/2025 05:01

If they can’t house themselves and a child, why are they having a child?

LookingAtMyBhunas · 06/05/2025 05:05

Mad.

We have such an obsession with the property ladder in this country that you'd rather they live with their baby in completely unsuitable conditions rather than rent.

Use the money you would have lost from them not paying you anything for the next 2 years for a deposit on a rental.