Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

[Charalf]

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

I clicked YANBU for expecting them to prove they are saving. However I think the logistics are difficult here. I think you should keep your room otherwise what happens when baby is up in the night or up and about early. You will get disturbed sleep. I would keep Mum & baby in box room & then partner can visit when he wants but stays on sofa. She can go visit him. Where is he living at the moment? Have either of them saved anything up yet or are they spending all their money?

I think I would find it hard not to judge what they are spending on if they were using my house (and bedroom) rent free. I would expect them to not have take outs, expensive clothes, fancy car.

I don’t think they should have to show you anything to do with their savings, that is a bit patronising . On the other hand, I think you should know them well enough to be able to trust them with their savings. Ground rules certainly do need to be set, and that includes a roster of who is going to do what with the housework. I also don’t think you should be giving up your room. If everything falls on you, resentment will build up. I think you have taken on too much but good luck with it all the same.

Doesn't she give a stuff about you. If my step mum was sleeping on the sofa because of me I'd feel terrible and not let it happen.

Surely the thing to do would be to charge them for lodging and save that for them.
I agree it's very geneous of you to give up your room, but it sounds like an emergency and it's a heartwarming response.

I wouldn't even do this for my own child.

Obviously, ship has sailed now, but housing this pair should have been their priority before bringing a baby into the mix.

You clearly don't have room for them OP! You have a bedroom, boxroom, living room and kitchen - and I assume 1 bathroom. Utter madness to imagine 4 adults and a baby sharing such a tiny space.

I do understand the need to help the younger generation these days, but there are limits to how helping impinges on our own comfort and living standards. Owning a home isn't a right, it is a luxury. Your SD and her partner need to work this out themselves. Old enough to get pregnant, really should mean old enough to deal with consequences. Babies shouldn't be being born for others to deal with.

Ahh bless, you really think that these two will be disciplined enough to save for a house in a year or two? She’s 22 and is pregnant to someone who lives at the other end of the country. I predict that them and their newborn will slowly take over your house and you will be watching them spend the ‘house deposit’ money on shit that you would probably deem unnecessary in their circumstances.

Good luck!

Madness

So you have a two bedroom/one reception home, and you'll be four adults and a baby using the living room as a bedroom, for TWO YEARS?

That's insanity, and your relationship with her and her partner, your relationship with your DH, and probably the relationship between your DSD and her partner will all suffer, and possibly be destroyed.

I think you're completely mad. You have accepted them Into your home when you just don't have space for them. There will be a new baby so a lot of stress and a lot of mess as well. Do you feel they might not save? There are a lot of expenses with babies and it can be very difficult to save up.

Who owns the house they are moving into? Is it yours or does it belong to both you and your partner?

This sounds mad. A man who you hardly know, who your SD has never lived with, who she also isn’t married to, moving into your house and taking your bedroom?

Four adults and a baby in a 1.5 bedroom house is a recipe for disaster. You won’t be getting a good nights sleep for years to come.

Unreasonable to ask for bank statements but not unreasonable for her dad to make an odd comment to remind them that them staying with you is temporary. Especially if you’re giving up your living room. I’d also make sure you’re not babysitting too often, might not be an issue, but it can be when you’re living in the same home. Very good of you to do it, but 100% get some house rules and make sure you’re strict on them from day 1.

Firstly I would not give up my room
Who put forward the idea of the partner moving in in the first place? If it wasn’t you has your hand been forced by your partner? Or your stepdaughter?
My advice would be (and I am speaking from experience) when starting a new set up like this look at the ending before you decide- hopefully they will have saved and either have a deposit for a house or for a rental property with good savings behind them. What will happen if they spend their money on holidays, take aways, clothes etc while you are cramped up in your own home?
Bear in mind that it will be very hard to tell them to leave at the end of the two years if they haven’t saved and have no money when they have a baby in tow.

Set firm rules about childcare too.

It's kind that you want to help but I wouldn't do it at the expense of your own marriage and home. If you are giving up your room it doesn't sound like you have the space for 5 people why does the boyfriend need to move in?
I don't think you can ask for proof they are saving if you go ahead with them moving in I would be explicitly clear on the date they are moving out by have you chatted about how long it might take them to save a deposit?

Right, I have adult son and his wife living with us for nearly 6 years now. DH and I are very easy going but it is sometimes very difficult. They live rent free, and were supposed to be here for only a couple of years but DIL has developed some chronic health conditions and can no longer work. There are no DC'S and not likely to be any, but we live in a large 4 bedroom house so they can have their own room and living room. I would struggle if me and DH did not have our own space.
As regards to cooking etc it can cause all sorts of difficulties of wanting to cook at the same time, use of utensils, storage of food, fridge space. I have had to clear a cupboard for their stuff.
You can't ask to see their bank statements that is unreasonable but seeing how much "stuff" a young baby/child needs I worry at the practical logistics with your limited space. Have you discussed the possibility with them of applying for LA housing or is it not an option?
It is a difficult thing and I must admit I would wish it otherwise in my case, but you do what you have to do!
Good luck!

Surely you will end up feeling like outsiders in your own home. I assume it's only a 2 bed house as you mention them having your room as her box room isn't big enough. So does that mean they have the main bedroom and the box room when the baby is old enough while you are still in the living room?

Others have raised good points you need to look at:
What has she been doing while living with you up to now? Paid rent or living rent free? Has she saved or spent the money?
What jobs do they both have? If her partner is moving across the country, does he have something lined up or is he going to be unemployed hanging around your home? What is her plans regarding maternity and returning to work? Will she return full time? Nursery costs?
Have you considered the rise in bills having extra people in your home?
Unless they are in some really high flying job I don't see that they will save as much as you think, as you say you want them to sort their own food. I assume they will also be buying stuff for the baby and as they will think they are living rent free then they will see themselves as having a lot of disposable income.

This is madness and you will wind up resenting them! If you do go through with it, make them stay in the living room. If they are too comfortable they won't have an incentive to leave. Why can't they rent their own place? I think you're heading for disaster.

To be honest this is a situation that would test the limits of unconditional love between you and an actual dc.

It is very unusual for someone to unconditionally love their step child. They often like them, perhaps even love them in the way you would a good friend. Would you have taken her father to court for denying access if you'd divorced when she was younger?

There is nothing wrong or evil in acknowledging the difference. Many mums would struggle with this for even their own dc and grandchild.

I think you are going to have a very hard time, and be very unappreciated (I would never have made my step mother sleep on the sofa for me).

How well do you know the partner if he lives so far away? Having close relatives to stay is a chore let alone a near stranger! At 23, with all due respect, she's not had much opportunity to forge a career, you don't say what the partner does work wise, but with the cost of a baby, even living with you, saving a deposit for a house seems wholly unrealistic at that age.
Good luck

Voted YABU for giving up your bedroom.and allowing it to happen in the first place. Who suggested this plan? Having a baby with nowhere to live and no savings is a recipe for disaster. Put a stop to these proposed living arrangements now, before they begin.

This is the only way you can maintain equilibrium in what is going to be very difficult circumstances for you all. Charge them rent for what they anticipate being able to save and deposit it in a high interest account. Give it back to them once they're ready to buy, or when you ask them to leave because it becomes too much. If they start to say they can't afford the rent you're asking or request not to pay because they can't afford it that month, then you know it's going to be impossible for them to get a deposit together within the anticipated time frame and they will have to seek alternate accommodation. They will be centering themselves and their little family in all this and are not likely to appreciate the sacrifice you are offering to make.

Also remember no good deed goes unpunished and you risk damaging your relationship with the couple by agreeing to this.

Why you giving up your room. Yabu. They will never leave. They need to get their own place

Hi whilst this is a very kind offer does that mean you will not have a living room for up to 2 years or do you have another reception room as living in your 'bedroom' is hard and I did it as a renter / lodger - for a long time

It sounds like you SD has never lived out of the home how is she normally at managing finances does she currently pay rent, saving monthly etc

Personally I would sit down all 4 of you and I would just discuss everything essentially you are giving them free rent which depending on where you are could be worth over 10k p.a

Make sure they look into any entitlement they are entitled to , CB, wage top ups etc and put that in the budget

They have decided to have a child so I don't see any harm in sitting them down and asking to see their financial planning and making it clear that your generosity only extends so far

I’ve not read all responses so not sure if it’s been suggested but you could ask them to transfer you a certain amount each month that they want to save and put it in savings for them. That way you know for a fact they are saving and can’t have access to it unless they absolutely need something for baby ect.

I think it's a lovely idea. If her partner is working full time they could have a deposit very quickly if they just live of her mat pay.

I’d suggest you charge them rent, put it in savings and give it back to them. If they know they are living rent free they might be tempted to spend rather than save.

as PP have said, good luck!